Thursday, November 19, 2015

Who am I here for?

With every activity, therapy, medical procedure and doctor I choose for Sonzee it is of course always with her best interest in mind.  I try really hard to think about what she will benefit from on a developmental level as well as her own personal enjoyment.  There have been times lately while we are in one of her scheduled classed that I find myself wondering who am I really in the class for.

With all of her activities and appointments her participation and awareness really depends on the minute.  I wish she would print out her anticipated seizure schedule because it would be extremely helpful for me as I create her schedule.  If she's tired or cranky and has had a recent seizure this obviously negatively impacts her involvement.  I try hard not to get frustrated since there is nothing I can do about it, but I have had to leave classes or sit to the side because it was just not going well.  It is on these days especially, that I tend to question my reasoning for putting her in the classes.

Is she really benefiting from being a class that is geared towards typically developing kiddos?  Am I only putting her in these classes because all of her siblings went through the classes?  Is she in these classes simply because it is what I am used to doing with a child her age?  Is she cranky because she is telling me this isn't the right class for her?  Am I doing this class because deep down I hoping she will be more typical?

When I people watch during these classes I can usually see the concerned looks from other mom's who don't know about her diagnosis.  They watch me interact with her and then give me a half crooked smile as our eyes meet.  They watch her, they look at their child and they ask me if Sonzee was a preemie or how old she is.  Sometimes I wish I could read their minds accurately because I would happily answer the questions it appears they are wondering.  I wonder during these times if I am making a bad choice putting her in this type of situation. Or is it my feelings I am wondering about?

I tell myself it will be great for her in the long run being exposed to typically developing same aged peers, but will it?  Or am I simply questioning my decision because of my discomfort?  The awkward way I feel when I look around the room at all the typical kids.  I wonder how much of my discomfort is in my head.  I wonder if she would benefit more from a group interaction with others who are in the same developmental stage?  Or is just me who might feel more comfortable?

When I am in these classes I am constantly wondering,  "who am I in here for?"

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