Monday, May 31, 2021

69 weeks

Dear Sonzee, 

Today is the last day of May and it also happens to mark the 69th Monday you have been away from us.  This last week was the first official week of summer break for me.  I find myself forgetting what it is that I did the first 3 days, but it was an attempt to get some things done around the house, copious amounts of laundry, and chauffeuring. I find it hard to believe we leave for the summer in less than 3 weeks and there is still so much for me to do. 

On Thursday, aba and I snuck away by ourselves with Mr. Dustin and Mrs. Penny.  I don't think it will ever make sense why it took you and Harper's lives and deaths for us to be part of one another lives, but here we are.  It is such a unique bond we have, and honestly, we had one of our best times away together.  I don't think I have laughed so much since you died, and there was no guilt around them.  In our true Mrs. Penny and ema fashion, we had a lot of dark humor and it was nice to be able to truly feel like myself around her and Mr. Dustin.

Your siblings were able to stay at home and not be sent out to various friends because savta came to watch them with cousin Jessica and her friend.  Everyone had a great time, and Meena even mastered her back handspring (although she has yet to do it for me in person since we came home, but I have a video of proof). Jessica left yesterday and Savta will be leaving tomorrow.  

Not quite sure how time continues to move on by but every week I find it more challenging to process your absence and the distance that seems to build from the last time you were in my arms.  I eagerly await a visit from you in my dreams. I hope you are doing well, having a great time, and staying safe wherever you are.

I miss you so much!

Until next time!

Love always, 
Ema


The Mighty Contributor

Monday, May 24, 2021

68 weeks

Dear Sonzee, 

We have almost finished with another Monday again.  Not quite sure how the days continue to fly by.  I also do not understand how I have so much to do and still no time to manage to get it all done.  This last week has been filled with more after-school activities than I can even process.  Between Meena and her gymnastics and Tzvi and his hockey, I. am. spent.  That is not even including the regularly scheduled ninja for Laeya and Noam and all of their swim classes.  On top of it all, I am trying to do the makeup sessions, which is just so much.  

Thursday was the last day of FBC for the summer.  I managed to survive two preschool graduations (not without tears).  The first one drove me into my office to have a good cry alone and the second one I was able to hide behind the camera I was holding for the online kiddos.  (That was Miss Tara's idea thinking if I was distracted with a job it might help, and it did until my mind had a moment to think, and bam).  Thankfully I have mastered my ability to swallow the tears just as quickly as they occur so few if any people actually noticed.  I did myself a favor and skipped the 3rd one that would have been on your campus.  I never attended preschool graduation there before, this year was not going to be my first. 

Your brother had hockey tryouts for the 2021-2022 season that will begin in August.  What an emotional experience it always is, but this year felt more intense. He earned himself a spot on one of the best 10U teams in the valley. We are so proud, and the boots this year will be purple sequin (if I can find them).  You would have rocked them.  Also, this is the team with the purple blankets!  You would have looked adorable covered in that as well.  My only concern for myself is that his home ice is the place with the wheelchair elevator lift you and your sisters used to ride.  It was the one we used to have to wait for the key to open it up.  I have been there since and found myself staring in that direction in a daydream.  I find myself torn thinking of how maybe one day it won't bother me while simultaneously scared for that day to come.

Meena turned 8 yesterday!  We went to a place that had trampolines, scooters, and all these parkour types of activities.  Meena had her friends, Tzvi and Laeya were with Momo, and Ziva and Noam were both trying to find their place, and I said how they needed a (mobile) Sonzee to bridge the gap.  The three of you would have probably been quite the trio.  Although, honestly I do wonder if maybe you and Mo would have actually been closer than Mo and Meena and if the dynamic would have somehow been altered in general.  We won't ever know, but I do wonder.  

Anyway my love, sorry this letter is being sent so late in the day.

I love and miss you and hope you are doing well, having fun, and staying healthy!

Until next time.

Love always, 
Ema

The Mighty Contributor

Tuesday, May 18, 2021

67 weeks

Dear Sonzee, 

It is mind-boggling it has been 67 weeks (and one day).  I am sorry I am a day late, it was Shavuot and time got away from me Sunday so I couldn't pre-write my letter to you.  I am unsure if I am more astonished 67 Mondays have passed without you here or that I have written you 67 unanswered letters.  This last week Meena decided to try out for the competition team at gymnastics.  She made it on to the developmental team.  She is not exactly thrilled that she is with younger kiddos, but I remind her she literally started her journey 7 weeks ago (this week) and they have been practicing for years.  They told her she is advanced on the floor and beam, but that her bar skills need improvement due to lack of strength. So, naturally, I have downloaded conditioning charts and I am fairly certain in no time she will be moving on through the developmental team groups.  In fact, while at Bear Pines this weekend she taught herself a back handspring and backflip on the trampoline.  (If you could spot her every time she tries these you know I would be forever grateful).

On Sunday we all came to visit you with Tzvi's hockey trophy. I am sure you knew because we felt your winds.  We took our family picture with your gravestone and gave an extra shoutout for all of your help this season helping your brother and his team with this achievement.  If it isn't too much this week is his tryout for next season, we are really uncertain which of 3 teams will be his best fit, so we will see what gets taken off the table on its own before it becomes his choice.  These things are always so stressful for me.  I know whatever happens will be what is best and meant to be, but it is just so hard watching your siblings feel disappointed.

This Sunday started "birthday week" for Meena.  I don't understand how she will be 8. I still remember dragging her all around town to all of your therapies watching Frozen a dozen and one times when she was hardly 2.  I miss that I would have an 11, 9, 8, 6, and 3.5 years old.  I don't know how you are 6, so everyone else aging is really challenging for me.  On the same note, Tzvi started his "Ten weeks until ten".  His first gift was a 4 pack of hockey stick holders for his bedroom.  He is going to have a hockey room transformation.  I don't really understand all of this aging business, to be honest.

We leave for NY in a month and 2 days.  I may bring Mermie with me, even though I know it isn't a replacement for you.  It just feels like I am always leaving something somewhere when it is just the fact that you are not with us.  Today was Yizkor again.  I was caught off guard when I remembered Sunday night.  I am sorry I didn't have my red candle for you.  I won't make that mistake again, but thankfully Morah Zupnick had a pretty holder for a white candle for you.  Maybe it was because I was caught off guard but the last 36 hours I felt like I fought back tears more than I had this last week.  So many conversations brought lumps into my throat.  Ones I have had plenty of times, but for some reason or another were harder to have.  It is so random how grief happens.  I think that is something I accept but am still surprised by.  Maybe grief finds it comical to change things up, to make sure we don't get too complacent and that we remain on our toes?  Who knows?

Anyway my love. I hope you are being safe and having a blast!

Until next time.

Love always, 
Ema

The Mighty Contributor

Monday, May 10, 2021

66 weeks

Dear Sonzee, 

Another week down, but an eternity to go.  This past week, I finally found the time to decorate some more rocks for you, and finally added them to your home.  I won't lie, I find it increasingly irritating now when I walk the rows and see how many people are "flattering" me by painting their loved ones' rocks.  My personal feeling at this point is if it isn't for a child, no adult requires painted rocks.  Maybe that's harsh? Maybe it's unfair? Either way, I don't particularly care, I just want everyone to remove the painted rocks that were only painted after seeing all of yours. I get it, I know it is a great idea, but it was my thing for you and now it just feels like it is everywhere and it takes away the special meaning it had for you, for us. I can admit I am bitter and annoyed, but I won't apologize for it. 

We have started to pack for camp.  I know it is 6 weeks away, but I wanted to make sure we had everything all together and organized.  It is the first time since you have been gone that I am actually preparing for something more than an hour before.  I don't know how that makes me feel.  I know I am so excited for your siblings but also a little nervous for them. For myself, I am really on edge.  Naturally, when it came time to prepare for summer it was the routine thing to just rent the same place we have always stayed in, the one you lived in every summer of your life except the one when you were first born because we were afraid to be too far from a children's hospital.  Now the reality that I will be staring at the walls, and looking around the house at all the places you did various things, is setting in.  Summer is our time together, no nurses, just Sonzee and ema days (and for a few years we shared it with Noam).  This summer everyone will be in camp, and it would be back to just us, so now, it will be just me.  I am calling it the "summer of Randi", but really it is going to be more the summer of feeling and being lost.  I can think of all the intentions I have, similar to the ones I used to have for you during the summer, that I most likely won't achieve.  Maybe that is for the best? I mean I haven't really had any time to really grieve alone or figure out life since right after you died the school closed, and your siblings came home, then I went back to work virtually and even worked ESY last year so never had an actual break. I am dreading the unknown, but my life with you prepared me for that, so maybe I will find myself better off than I imagine? 

Yesterday was mother's day.  Year #2 of being tough.  My heart was breaking as I opened everyone's custom gifts for me because it meant I wouldn't have one from you, but somehow you and your twin girl knew what I needed and found a way to make it happen.  I am fairly certain I gave Niagra Falls a run for its money, but I am just still speechless.  I feel it just solidified to me that you and Laeya's bond is unbreakable, and for that, I am beyond thankful. 

Did I mention last week that Nurse Paige came over for breakfast? We all loved seeing her. We weren't sure if Noam would remember her, but she asked her where you were.  You and nurse Paige were one and the same to him, really to all of us.  A girl and her shadow.  It was almost like old times, except her reason for walking through the door wasn't around so she had to settle for the rest of us.  Don't worry, I made her a couple of my signature coffees and an awesome breakfast sandwich.  I look forward to her coming back.

Anyway my love.  Missing you as always. Stay healthy and safe.

Until next time.

Love always, 
Ema

The Mighty Contributor

Monday, May 3, 2021

65 weeks (15 months)


Dear Sonzee, 

Today is a double whammy day.  It not only marks another week that has gone by but another month that has come and gone without you here.  Who would have thought that the pain in my heart could grow?  It is similar to when someone becomes a new parent and doesn't quite understand how they can now love someone so much and the love towards them only grows.  15 months in and my heart feels like each day it shatters a little more and it hurts a little more. I won't be so naive to think it will ever get better, but it fascinates me nonetheless that it can continue to do all those things.  It almost places a value on the amount of love...it really is infinite to an exponential form, which isn't at all making this journey any easier knowing that will translate into emotions of grief.

This month of May wraps up another school year for your friends at FBC.  I am planning on attending two of the graduations, we will see how well my powers of out-of-body experience work.  I know I would never be required to attend, but I want to be there. I just don't know if my desire to celebrate their achievements will win out on my ability to watch other children do what you weren't able to do.  While we never did find out what your school placement for this year would have been, the assumption is you would have stayed at FBC or participated in the program in some way half the day while also attending PHA.  So, it completely takes my breath away that in another 17 days you would be finishing up Kindergarten.  Sometimes I have to try really hard to remind myself that you were going to be a first-grader this fall.  I wonder if there will ever be a time your age won't confuse me.  I still wonder how you have been gone only 15 months and you have aged 2 years.  You were 4 when we said our goodbyes and you would be 6 right now...my brain fails to register that without an immense amount of effort.

Last night we had a camp meeting for your older siblings.  It left me in quite a tizzy being all sorts of overwhelmed with the reality that I will not have them around for an entire month and there will be no visiting day.  A quick email today had them reaching out to me by phone to try and comfort me.  Who knew that my brain would take a summer overnight experience and equate it to your absence?!  I have learned there is just no reasoning with grief so I am thankful for those who hold my hand and walk with me through it.  While there will be no way for me to give them hugs, there will be a way to speak to them whenever I need to. I wish HaShem could work something like that out for me and you.  65 weeks and I swear I feel like you are only going further up into heaven, further out of reach, further out of my familiarity.  I wonder if I were to see you if I would even know you.  Would I walk by you? What would you look like now?  I feel like the parts of you I once knew don't even exist in the world you are part of now.  

I hope wherever you are that you are surrounded by comfort and maybe even more love than you had here if that is even possible.  I hope you at least come and check on us and smile and then go on your way.  Maybe you were the hummingbird lingering outside of bubbie and pop-pop's today. (PS: They got a little puppy, his name is Maximilian, he is currently 3lbs. You would have loved his snuggles and he would have never known what was coming when you would've inevitably kicked him off of you.)

Anyway my love.  Nothing is the same here.  15 months feels like forever, and 65 Mondays seem incomprehensible.  

Until next time.

Love always and forever, 
Ema


The Mighty Contributor

Sunday, May 2, 2021

When it's dark...

Tonight was the big kids camp meeting for summer COVID19 protocols and guidelines.  The meeting itself lasted an hour, but the immense feeling of anxiety and fear are still going for over four.  Maybe it is because today is the 2nd day into a new month, and history states new months are my downfall.  Maybe it is because today is officially bereaved mother's day.  Maybe it is because tomorrow marks 15 months, the 65th Monday since she was last here.  Maybe it is what would have happened during the same meeting if Sonzee hadn't died and it was going to be year one for her two oldest siblings to be going away from me for a month and her one older one for 8 days. Regardless, here I am.

The meeting explained all the testing and conservative procedures that will be occurring.  I honestly don't mind them, they seem fair and appropriate, and will hopefully result in a minimal to no corona exposure experience for all of the thousands of kids that will be attending.  What actually began the tailspin in my mind were the words "no visiting day".  I anticipated this would be the case. I assumed they would want to limit the exposure of the virus into the camp, but hearing the words made my eyes begin to fill with tears. But why?!  I sat listening to the guidelines continue to be spoken and continued to take notes while simultaneously texting a friend to explain everything I was being told.

Almost an hour from the moment I wrote the first text my brain shed some insight into my panic.  It isn't the corona protocol, it isn't even really the no visiting day.  It is the fact that my children are going away and I can't talk to them and they can't talk to me, and my brain told me not to worry because 12 days in I would be rewarded with a hug.  Instead, now it will be an entire month...and I have to remind my brain that this time it isn't because they are joining their sister (heaven forbid).  As of tomorrow, 65 Monday's ago I kissed and said goodbye to Sonzee and that was the last time I saw her, the last time I could hold her and talk to her.  While the rational part of my brain knows it will be seeing pictures of her siblings daily and it knows they will be having a fantastic summer experience, the grief-stricken bereaved mother of theirs is trying to separate out the reasons for their absence and emphasize it isn't permanent, and they will be coming home.  It isn't something that is even easy to make sense to someone who hasn't buried a child.  I can't 100% say it makes any sense, but in grief, rational doesn't exactly have a track record of a first-place win.  

When the idea of sleep away camp first entered my mind I had five living children.  The tears that filled my eyes were a mixture of excitement and remembrance of my childhood summers away from home.  Then Sonzee died, corona happened, and this journey began on quite the detour with splashes of a previous life mixed in with life after.  Every day I try my best to pretend that the loss of a child isn't living through trauma.  I try to remind myself that nothing is up to me, it is all out of my control, and like the quote sitting on my desk staring me in the face, I feel like the only thing I can do is "when it's dark look for the stars" because otherwise, the black sky is just all too much.

The Mighty Contributor