Monday, June 24, 2019

Are there...

"Are there ever even split seconds where you forget you have a child with CDKL5?" read a text across my screen a week ago.  I replied with, "I haven't had that I don't think".  My friend explained what had occurred that prompted the text and I replied with a sigh emoji.  The conversation ended.  A little over a week has gone by and I honestly had forgotten about the text, until yesterday morning.

Sam left on his drive to NY with a trailer full of all our things and I am still in Phoenix with all of the kids.  The older kids and baby brother were running around the house, some in their pajamas, some actually dressed.  None of the girls with their hair brushed, and it is debatable if any really had brushed their teeth when I asked.  I was going between the kitchen and Sonzee's room getting her refrigerated meds and making her batch of food, sorting it into containers, and then bringing in what she needed to begin the day.  I changed her diaper, picked out her outfit for the day, started her feed, and then began giving her meds.  Part way through her TPN/Lipids finished and I got out my supplies to heparin lock her central line.  After I was finished I hooked her feeding bag on her Rifton chair, scooped her up, and simultaneously words flashed across my mind as if I was replying to a freshly asked question.

"How can there ever be a split second where I forget I have a child with CDKL5?"  Whether she is awake or asleep there are always tubes coming out of her body.  When I watch her sleep she is always hooked up to a machine.  The only way for her to get in and out of a chair or car is with full assistance.  She cannot get from point A to point B without someone else being involved.  My dreams are beyond having substantial hope for her to have a functioning CDKL5, and my nightmares consist of what is going to happen because of her CDKL5 deficiency.  There are no split seconds of forgetting she is not typical; thank g-d for that too, because coming back to reality a split second later would most likely cause me to fall to my knees and suffer another form of diagnosis day, and I am over that repetition, it happens enough as it is.

As I brushed her hair and picked out her hair tie, I was still thinking about all of my split-second thoughts over the past 4+ years.  How does she have CDKL5?  Why does she have CDKL5? What if she never had CDKL5? What if she were typical?  How would our lives be different?  How would our family look?  What would it be like to have 5 typical kids?  Would we even have 5 kids?  What is a typical life?  Why can't I remember what life was like before CDKL5?  What kind of parent was I before CDKL5? The list continues, there are so many split seconds in a day, but none of them are ever filled with that minuscule bliss of forgetting she has CDKL5, but maybe like everything else, it is for the best.


The Mighty Contributor

Friday, June 21, 2019

Trepidation

The U-haul is sitting in the driveway waiting to be loaded.  I wouldn't let Sam put anything inside it last night out of fear of losing my visual guidance of the items I packed.  I just finished the last of Sonzee's boxes, but those are the last things to get loaded since Sam will have to take the majority of them out each night due to temperature parameters.  I remember the first time we traveled as a family of 3 with Sonzee's oldest sister.  We had so many bags and so many items all for this one little baby.  Now I look at Sonzee's section of the garage pile-which extends into the main area of our house so those items stay cool and I wonder how one person can require so much.

This year marks the 4th summer we will be going to NY with Sonzee.  The only summer of her life we missed was the first year she was born because we were so afraid she would start having infantile spasms and we would be in the middle of nowhere.  Every year since her doctors wish us well and send us on our way, reminding us before we go how proud they are for us not stopping our lives, how great it is that we still go, and how we can reach them at any time if we need to.  Every year we pack up and go more excited than apprehensive, however, this year I am filled with more anxiety than excitement.

This will be the first time we will have traveled out of state with Sonzee since she had her central line placed in December.  This will be the first time she will be on TPN/Lipids and we will not be within a familiar hospital's nurse's reach if she has an emergency or needs emergency labs.  The closest hospital is a regional center that we have visited once and she was out of their comfort zone and all we needed was basic abdomen x-ray.  I am so beyond fearful of a fever.  I am scared out of my mind for a central line infection.  Will she require air flight if that occurs since the children's hospital (that her amazing GI told us to use because she knows the doctors and will coordinate her care once we tell her we are on the way) is over 2 hours away?!  I want to plan and prepare, I do not even know how, and I want it to be a complete waste of time and worry.


The Mighty Contributor

Monday, June 17, 2019

CDKL5 Awareness Day 2019

2015 was the very first year that today became "a day" in our house.  The very first June 17 we all wore CDKL5 shirts and we hung balloons on the CDKL5 awareness yard sign that was placed at the edge of our yard.  We had only known what life with CDKL5 was for technically 4 months and 6 days but really only for the previous 7 weeks after we first learned that CDKL5 WAS the reason behind Sonzee's lack of eye contact, her lack of ability to hold up her head, her lack of ability to give a social smile or to roll, and the reason why she was constantly seizing.  Since that very first June 17 I have always struggled with this day, staring at a blank blog screen but eventually figuring out the best way for me to give homage to a day I rather not know exists.

My biggest struggle with this day is that my brain is conflicted on what the purpose of this day should be.  I wonder if I am supposed to give a little more insight into what exactly life with CDKL5 really is.  I wonder if I should share statistics of the prevalence of CDKL5.  Then I wonder if it is better for me to not say too much, after all, there is surely a newly pregnant friend of mine scrolling through facebook who certainly does not want to know that such a life like this does exist and could happen to them.  I wonder how much I should share as far as how much Sonzee struggles or post one of her seizure videos that inevitably gets cut off at the 10-minute video mark because that is all the seizure tracker app allows.  I wonder if any part of this actually makes a difference to anyone who is not living this life and if so what type?

Bringing awareness to CDKL5 doesn't help prevent the diagnosis occurring to the projected 2 currently undiagnosed families wondering why their child is experiencing seizures, delays, and or difficulties each week.  It doesn't change the fact that based on the projected rate of incidence there are thought to be 30,000 individuals living with CDKL5, with the "official" diagnosed count between 2,000-3,000.  Knowing about CDKL5 does not change that 1:40,000-60,000 births will result in a new baby joining the family. 

Wearing lime green, a CDKL5 child's "team" shirt or some article of clothing with CDKL5 most likely won't bring about questions or do much to strangers walking by, yet all of us families essentially beg others to do so for us.  When you stumble across one of those requests you might continue to scroll by, thankfully it does not really apply to you, and luckily you dodged this really awful bullet.

As I sort through my emotions about awareness and balance out the ups and downs of this roller coaster of a journey, I am left with the feelings of respect and honor.  Today is a day that some of us will always love to hate and or hate to love, but regardless of which, we will shout about CDKL5 from the rooftops to anyone who says even one word to us.  It is a day to simply be aware of all that those of us with a child diagnosed with a CDKL5 diagnosis have lost but simultaneously gained.  It is 24 hours devoted to so many people coming together due to an unfortunate common bond as we try to do something, anything, whatever it is we can to try and make our children's lives the best they can possibly be.  And so to that I say, please help us spread awareness of CDKL5.  Please help us get our stories heard so we can continue research efforts to maybe one day, hopefully during our children's lives, bring about some sort of permanent formal seizure control, and or some type of way for them to make-up all the milestones that they continue to miss.  If for no other reason, please help support us on our journey as we simply parent children who could have very easily been yours.

The Mighty Contributor

Tuesday, June 11, 2019

But just because


As we finished our three day holiday weekend, my older kiddos and I sat on the couch deciding what book I would read to them.  I have an Alice in Wonderland series from my childhood and originally I grabbed that.  Naturally, that opened the way to my son announcing it was "girlie", and my oldest daughter wanting me to read a "Babysitter's Club" book instead, and me saying "It's not girlie, and no we aren't reading the Babysitter's club".  As I opened the book to begin reading my son ran excitedly over to me, handed me "The Phantom Tollbooth", and I said, "Oh, yes, this will be great".

I have to admit I have always known about this book, but honestly have never read it, so part of my desire to oblige my son completely came from the fact that I wanted to read this.  So the four of us sat down together and I began to read.  As I turned each page and read the words I kept thinking how amazingly quotable this book is.  It seemed as if every other line was one I wanted to burn into my mind to reference at a future point. Some of the phrases were cute, some made me chuckle, and others I felt spoke to me in a different way.  We only got 4 chapters in when it was time for the kids to get ready for bed, but I knew there was a quote I had not come across that somehow would be the perfect quote for me to relate to Sonzee.

I posted a picture on Sonya's Facebook page and mentioned how I had hoped Sonzee wouldn't have another seizure but of course within 10 minutes of posting that my hopes were dismantled.  During the 10th day of CDKL5 Awareness month, during neither her first nor most likely last 13+ minute seizure of the day, my mind wandered.   Should I post one of her seizures? Does posting one actually brings more awareness or just bring about pity?  If I posted it would people even want to watch it? I am pretty sure those of us who have to, would much rather not.  If people watch the video would someone comment about our lack of giving her a rescue med 2 minutes in?  I responded in my mind to that comment with the blatant fact that rescue meds do not stop her seizures any quicker than her body chooses to finish them and inevitably within 4-5 hours another one would occur again.  

Returning back from "seizure land", I was wondering if it was time to email her epileptologist and ask for the new medication titration schedule.  Feeling all sorts of weight from watching her endure all that she just had and not even feeling a glimmer of hope that we would ever stop her from this sort of suffering I came across the most clarifying quote.  Maybe CDKL5 won't ever be a string of characters that is known to everyone or will make the daily news in every city, in every state, in ever country, or on every continent.  Maybe there won't ever be a child with a CDKL5 mutation who makes it onto Ellen or is born to a world figure, actor, or famous athlete.  Maybe seizure control or the ability to be more typical won't ever be in Sonzee's cards, and Maybe finding a cure for CDKL5 won't, sadly, fall during her lifetime...

The Mighty Contributor

Wednesday, June 5, 2019

CDKL5

Jun 4, 2019, 2:59 PM
"Hi Randi,
I just got Sonya’s WES back today – it found absolutely nothing else (other than her known CDKL5 mutation). There were not even any variants of uncertain significance. And mitochondrial sequencing was normal too.
So at least we know there’s nothing we’re clearly missing in terms of a second diagnosis."

4 years ago Sonzee received her official diagnosis.  It is the reason behind her seizures, the reason given for every other situation she has encountered since.  The reason that has never given me any excitement as an answer because there is no solution to the issues with an answer like CDKL5.  It was a reason and an answer that just wasn't good enough, so we sought for more clarity, and just shy of 4 months since we did so the answer remains the same.

CDKL5.

While I should be ecstatic that her only mutation is CDKL5, I am honestly completely devastated.  I feel the wind has been knocked from my lungs all over again.  Every single one of the additional diagnoses that she has acquired since she was a newborn baby are all due to a spelling error on one gene out of the 20,000-25,000 that she has in her body.  How can one little gene carry that much weight, how can it hold so much responsibility, how can it create so much havoc? 

I wanted there to be something else to share the burden of all that has happened to her body.  I wanted to be told that her brittle bones and her horrific GI system were not all due to her CDKL5 mutation.  After all, there are not as many children who have either of those issues in the same manner as Sonzee, so there had to be another reason why, another gene to blame, another thing that could share in the cause, another thing "Sonzee related" that explained why.

But here we are, 4 years into her journey and 15 years since the CDKL5 gene was identified in 2004, and children like Sonzee are still seizing 100s of times a day, are still unable to walk, are still unable to talk, are still unable to live independently, and are still dying, all because of a "tiny" mistake on an extremely imperative gene for typical function, all because of CDKL5.


The Mighty Contributor

Sonzee's Slideshow