We finally toured Sonzee's preschool
yesterday. I say finally, because we have known since she was 2 months
old that we wanted to send her to this school. We have attended the
family program on Friday's over the past 2 years, but have never actually set
foot on the other side of the double doors. We have one remaining meeting
in 13 days that will make this next step our official reality. I am
filled with mixed emotions as my baby girl is getting ready to enter her first
school. On one hand they are the same emotions that have filled my head
and heart as her three older siblings took these same steps, on the
other hand, they could not be more different.
I feel like my mind is
separated into two sides and there is a rope attached to both sides, for every
happy emotion there is one that makes my heart sad, and I am being pulled back
and forth between them. I am so excited that Sonzee will have the ability
to flourish in a new environment, but it is not in the same environment where
her siblings are. I am so thankful she will be in a classroom that is
tailored to meet her needs, but she will no longer be home with me every
day. Her classroom while likely to be amazing and will provide her with
the tools she will need, is not a typical classroom in any manner. I am
so grateful for the opportunities this school will undoubtedly provide for her
and to her, but they are not the opportunities parents wish for their children
to have to experience when they envision their schooling.
We walked from classroom to
classroom, looking through the glass at the children as they learned. We
started by seeing those children who are developmentally the oldest; smiles
across their faces, lights bright in the room, sitting around the table
enjoying their snacks. Multiple teachers and aids at their side helping
them with their snack time activity. As we continued our tour the lights
in the classes were lower to help with seizure activity, and the centers were
slowly replaced with several types of equipment. Sam joked that there were
easily thousands of dollars in equipment in one of the rooms. My heart
bursting at the idea of her getting to experience incredible opportunities that
insurance would never allow us to do at home, but simultaneously hurting at the
fact that she needs all the several types.
My baby girl is no longer a
baby for all intents and purposes, but she will not be walking into her first
day of school. She will not require a teacher to hold her while she kicks
and screams begging me not to leave her. She won't come rushing back to
the door or look at me with a face that pleads with me not to leave her with
people she hardly knows for the day. She won't give me kisses or huggies
or tell me she loves me, to have a good day, that she will miss me or even say
good-bye. I won't look through the glass window and see her
distracted by an activity, so she doesn't realize I am gone. She won't
glance back to see if I have walked away. All the first days of school
experienced since 2015 that brought me tears as I wondered how Sonzee's would
go are about to come to fruition, culminating into the biggest game of tug of
war.
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