Over the weekend, close family friends of ours called to let us
know that they were sure their daughter was going to be born sometime during
the middle of the night and Plan A for who would be watching their son was not
answering the phone. We invited them to come labor at our house and if
they needed to leave their son, it would be our pleasure to watch him.
Their prediction was correct and shortly after they arrived, they left our
house, and I received a text that the baby was born.
Immediately I was transported back to 9
months and 11 days ago. My friend’s labor mimicked Sonzee's so much it
has given me chills. How quickly it started, how quickly it ended.
I made a joke it had to do with our awesomely renovated master bathroom,
with the luxurious soaker tub Sam insisted we put in. Plenty of times I
find myself reliving Sonzee's birth and the 20 minutes following, when I knew
something just was not right with her breathing. I play the conversation
I had with my doula over and over again. I remember after asking her
opinion of the situation, she agreed with me, making me even more nervous
because this woman is usually very apprehensive with interventions unless they
are 100% required. I remember she told me a story of a birth she had been
at where the mom asked about the baby's eye movements and everyone shrugged
them off to "weird baby movements", only to learn five days later that
he was suffering from seizures.
That story stuck with me the entire time I
was with Sonzee in the NICU. I have a fairly good inkling looking back
that the little leg twitches and body jolts I witnessed and asked the nurses
and doctors multiple times about were actually seizures. It makes sense they
were not as evident as she was on three different types of antibiotics and
after months with the Sonze, we know she does her best when she is on them.
The doctors/nurses reassured me numerous times that "babies do weird
things" and that after her course of antibiotics Sonya would be a
perfectly healthy baby girl. When I look back on my week in the hospital
with her, it brings numerous feelings to the surface. I honestly do not
think I have properly dealt with all of my emotions from that experience just
yet.
What resonates with me now is the fact
that we did not get her treated for seizures until she was over 4 weeks, but I
am certain she had been having seizures from birth. If I think back to
the comments I made to Sam about her movements while I was pregnant with her,
she was probably having seizures in utero as well. When she was 3 weeks old I asked my dad,
"what if she is having seizures and we aren't aware of them", his
reply made me a bit more on edge since he did not brush off my concern, but
instead said, "The thing about babies and seizures is you just have to
wait and see". It makes me sick to my stomach to think about it.
I wonder how different would she be if we had given her anti-seizure
medications sooner. Would it have made any difference? I like to
think not, but is that the case?
I know there is nothing I can do about it,
and there is no reason to dwell on the past. I know I did
the best that I could and it isn't as if I had experienced it before so how
could I have known differently? I cannot change the past and I cannot
beat myself up over how things unfolded, but the fact that hindsight is 20/20
is just another thing added to my short list of things that are truly filed
under "things I hate".
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