Hindsight

Over the weekend, close family friends of ours called to let us know that they were sure their daughter was going to be born sometime during the middle of the night and Plan A for who would be watching their son was not answering the phone.  We invited them to come labor at our house and if they needed to leave their son, it would be our pleasure to watch him.  Their prediction was correct and shortly after they arrived, they left our house, and I received a text that the baby was born.

Immediately I was transported back to 9 months and 11 days ago.  My friend’s labor mimicked Sonzee's so much it has given me chills.  How quickly it started, how quickly it ended.  I made a joke it had to do with our awesomely renovated master bathroom, with the luxurious soaker tub Sam insisted we put in.  Plenty of times I find myself reliving Sonzee's birth and the 20 minutes following, when I knew something just was not right with her breathing.  I play the conversation I had with my doula over and over again.  I remember after asking her opinion of the situation, she agreed with me, making me even more nervous because this woman is usually very apprehensive with interventions unless they are 100% required.  I remember she told me a story of a birth she had been at where the mom asked about the baby's eye movements and everyone shrugged them off to "weird baby movements", only to learn five days later that he was suffering from seizures.

That story stuck with me the entire time I was with Sonzee in the NICU.  I have a fairly good inkling looking back that the little leg twitches and body jolts I witnessed and asked the nurses and doctors multiple times about were actually seizures.  It makes sense they were not as evident as she was on three different types of antibiotics and after months with the Sonze, we know she does her best when she is on them.  The doctors/nurses reassured me numerous times that "babies do weird things" and that after her course of antibiotics Sonya would be a perfectly healthy baby girl.  When I look back on my week in the hospital with her, it brings numerous feelings to the surface.  I honestly do not think I have properly dealt with all of my emotions from that experience just yet.

What resonates with me now is the fact that we did not get her treated for seizures until she was over 4 weeks, but I am certain she had been having seizures from birth.  If I think back to the comments I made to Sam about her movements while I was pregnant with her, she was probably having seizures in utero as well.  When she was 3 weeks old I asked my dad, "what if she is having seizures and we aren't aware of them", his reply made me a bit more on edge since he did not brush off my concern, but instead said, "The thing about babies and seizures is you just have to wait and see".  It makes me sick to my stomach to think about it.  I wonder how different would she be if we had given her anti-seizure medications sooner.  Would it have made any difference?  I like to think not, but is that the case?

I know there is nothing I can do about it, and there is no reason to dwell on the past.  I know I did the best that I could and it isn't as if I had experienced it before so how could I have known differently?  I cannot change the past and I cannot beat myself up over how things unfolded, but the fact that hindsight is 20/20 is just another thing added to my short list of things that are truly filed under "things I hate".

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