Wednesday, August 31, 2022

134 weeks and 1.5 days

Dear Sonzee, 

I am only two days behind schedule this week.  I would say it has less to do with not making time and more to do with avoidance.  I don't know why specifically I go into these phases. I can't decide if there is something specific causing it or if it is just par for the course.

I do know from history that this time of year I tend to find my avoidance more prominent. I can't bring my self to visit you because I hate seeing your name on the stone. I haven't dropped off your rocks, because of the above mentioned and that makes me feel guilty. I haven't made you rocks because they would sit around on the counter (like everything I have waiting to bring you) because of not wanting to go to your grave...so all together, it's just crummy.

Laeya decided she didn't need to go to grief group. Meena wants to go for the candy. I couldn't decide, but was leaning towards not wanting to go anymore because instead of helping, it tends to hold me back. I haven't officially closed us out, because that seems final, so in line with my current theme of avoidance, it fits right in.

This past week Tzvi had his first scrimmage. He missed one due to being sick, one due to shabbat and was able to go on Sunday. His team is 3-0 and it is looking like it'll be a great season.  Tonight is the start of the seeding tournament, and I am so excited for us to be back in hockey season.

Last week was a full week of school for your siblings and work for me. It was exhausting, but I am adjusting my bedtime to go to sleep earlier so waking up so early won't be so tiring. We will see how it ends up working out.

Noam asked to have your book of you and him read to him this week. I always love when he does that. He has been talking about you randomly, which is also nice.

Anyway, I got to go.

Love you lots and miss you more!

Until next time.

Love always, 
Ema
The Mighty Contributor

Thursday, August 25, 2022

132 weeks and 133 weeks and 3 days

Dear Sonzee, 

The last two weeks have felt insanely long while also flying by at the speed of light. 132 weeks brought us to uncle, Hay-Hay's, and baby Isla's house for the last time this summer.  It was so nice being able to see them all so often this summer. Uncle was working from home and Hay-hay had a dentist appointment so I took baby Isla with us to the pool.  I made a comment that if Tzvi were there I would be back to having 5 physical kids...something I honestly miss without you here. Laeya settled into being back home but also continued to spend time with the same girls she had just spent 6 weeks with.  You would think she would have been over the 24/7 with them, but apparently not.  Noam, Meena, and I joined her at their house for a BBQ on Sunday before visiting uncle's. Laeya and I did a lot of shopping (even though she does not even need any more clothing).  We had a lot of nice lunches together and it was nice having her home again. Tzvi and aba 

After we visited uncle it was the start of 133 weeks. That was filled with a lot of packing and the start of our adventure driving back home.  We stopped and got you key chain rocks from each state when we got your siblings' keychains. I didn't really comprehend how many states we actually drove through until I looked at your collection when we got home. We drove to Memphis for Shabbas and to see the Weiner's.  It was a very restful and nice Shabbas, and then we left Sunday morning for home.  It was the longest drive I have ever done in one day, from Memphis to Albuquerque.  It left Monday's drive much shorter and we arrived around 1pm with just a few snafus. 

I will do my best to write to you on Monday!  Missing you lots!
Love you!

Until next time.

Love always, 
Ema

The Mighty Contributor

Tuesday, August 9, 2022

131 weeks

Dear Sonzee, 

Another week has passed.  It is already the 2nd week of August.  The summer is quickly coming to a close.  Today I will pick up Laeya from her 6 weeks of sleep-away camp. I am so excited to see her, I am trying to occupy myself for the next 2 hours before I leave to get her.  It makes me so incredibly broken that there is still nowhere to go to pick you up, and you have been gone for significantly longer. 

This last week we honored your two and a half years of being gone. I hate the word honor, but there is really no other word for it, as I assure you there is no celebration for your absence. 

Aba had a nasty case of food poisoning while he was in Israel, but after 5 days of antibiotics he is starting to feel better, but not 100%. He and Tzvi were delayed leaving Israel due to the missiles, so we got to see them yesterday for a few hours before they flew back to Phoenix. Tzvi (and maybe even aba) had his first experience in a bomb shelter.  I am so thankful I had no idea going to Shabbat what was going on or I would have been a disaster.  I found out in an accidental manner when someone after Shabbat mentioned it in a nonchalant way when I said how their flight was delayed. Tzvi handled it like a champ, but he admitted he was a bit scared.  I wouldn't blame him, that is one life experience I have thankfully been spared thus far. He was calmed down by his cousin sharing in the routineness.  They had 1 min and 30 seconds to get inside once the siren rang.  Some places have only 15-30 seconds. Again, just glad I learned all the details yesterday.

Noam, Meena, and I stayed the night at uncles yesterday, completely unplanned, but it is so nice to love on baby Isla (who by the way is becoming quite the chunker). It has been so nice seeing them so often this summer.  Meena went on a shopping date with Hay-Hay, and she bought her and Laeya a matching Shabbas dress and a new pair of adorable shoes.  

Aba got you a heart rock from Israel! I am so excited to give you all of your new rocks from this summer.  They will be a beautiful addition to the ones you already have.  

Anyway Sonzee bear, I love you and miss you!

Until next time. 

Love always,
Ema

The Mighty Contributor

Wednesday, August 3, 2022

2 years 6 months




Dear Sonzee, 

Today marked 2 years and 6 months since you left me. That is 2.5 years without you.  More than half of your life.  I would ask how, but I am no stranger to the speed that time passes.  I made it through the day without any sudden moments taking my breath away.  That is probably because I didn't want to think about the day until this evening.  In a sense, it was nice to essentially be on my own island without anyone else realizing, acknowledging, or maybe even knowing what today was.  It is definitely a double-edged sword. On one hand, I absolutely hate when people ask me how I am doing on a specific date related to you as if every other day of the year is any different for me. On the other, there is some comfort in knowing that others remember, that the day makes someone take a second to honor, that you are on someone's mind a little bit more today.  There is no winning on this grief journey. Never.

I do not quite understand how time has continued to pass by.  I do not understand how the world didn't stop 2.5 years ago.  For me, my life is surreal, spent balancing a before, during, and after, and not fully embracing the after.  It is filled with a mix of extreme highs and lows as I try to compensate for your loss, but never quite adequately. 

I am truly at a loss.  Two and half years ago you were with me, physically speaking. I know mentally you were out of your body 36 hours before.  I have been listening to an audible book about grieving a child, and the story recounts the exact days leading up to their daughter's death and the day of.  It still fascinates me how many details are remembered surrounding the deaths of a child.  I was thinking while I listened to the story how amazing it was this mother could recount the weeks prior with such perfection without knowing her daughter was going to die.  Then I realized, I didn't know how long you would have left to live and I too could recount the last weeks of your life with painful accuracy.  Some moments in life just become permanent.  Thankfully and not.

I feel like I have learned so little and so much in the two and half years since you left me.  I have definitely changed in the time as well, for better and worse. Two and half years ago seems like a dream and a nightmare all mushed into one block of time.  I still manage to wake up every day.  I still manage to put one foot in front of the other.  I still manage to breathe.  I still don't understand how.

In two and half years I have certainly cycled through all of the stages of grief and then some.  I feel like there should be a different term to describe them because if I could describe them visually, it would be one of those clown mazes, complete with mirrors, shaking, steps, strobe lights, and all of the chaos. If I thought at one point the stages would ever be accomplished I wouldn't be doing grief any justice.  This is one carnival experience that won't ever be ending.  

I wish I knew what you have been up to over these last two and half years. You accomplished a decent amount in your two and half years on earth but never hit the typical milestones.  Have you done so?  Did someone put a sticker on your shirt like I had ready for you and then take a picture with you wearing it?  Have you surpassed all of the typical milestones and completed ones I wouldn't even be able to dream of?  Do they have a sticker for flying?  Are there levels to complete like at swim? Have you earned a sticker for visiting me? Do they give you extra points for your mother not realizing it was even accomplished?  Maybe you could ask to have a sticker added for visiting your mother in her dreams?  I promise I would bring you a rock with that painted on it. 

Do you go to school?  What grade are you in? How does the schooling even work where you are?  Where are you even exactly? Is it one specific place or do you travel all around?  Who do you live with?  Are they people I know?  Do you have a lot of friends? Do you have sleepovers and parties together?  What is your favorite thing to do during the day?  What are your favorite foods? Do you still love to swim and the color red?  What is your favorite music to listen to? What music do you not like? Is it jazz like me or country music like aba?  Can you ride a bike? Have you ever been skiing or ice skating? Aba, I am sure would love to know if you like hockey. 

There is so much I don't know about you and what you are up to.  It literally sucks the air out of my lungs.  Your brother is soon to be the age you never turned, he is out of my sight for 8 hours a day, and I get pictures of what he is up to and I know where I can find him.  I know nothing about you.  It is horrible.  I hope that is one-sided. I hope you are not experiencing the same panic wondering what we are doing here. I hope you are in the know.

My heart is still in pieces two and half years later.  Time has not healed anything.  Grief isn't any better, and it certainly is not over.  The thought of another two and half years passing without you here makes me nauseous, despite knowing that will be my future. Please come and visit me in my dreams, it's been too many years since I have seen your face!  

I love you beyond words Sonzee bear!

Until next time.

Love always, 
Ema




The Mighty Contributor

Monday, August 1, 2022

130 weeks

Dear Sonzee,

130 Mondays have passed. The weeks with 0's at the end seem to hit the hardest.  They for some reason represent an infinite amount of time.  130 weeks.  130 Mondays since you last laid in my lap.  130 Mondays since I last felt your soft skin and gave you a kiss.  

I often wonder who is taking over that role without me being there. I pray it is someone and you haven't been void of receiving cuddles and kisses from someone, but I am also envious of whoever is fortunate enough to be with you. 

130 Mondays since you were driven away from our home for the last time. I cannot seem to remember your siblings' correct names or why I walked into a room, but I can remember 130 Mondays ago like it happened yesterday. I will forever be thankful for as long as that is the case.  (Although I cannot say the same for the 48 hours before that).

This last week all the related service providers and teachers started back at FBC.  I was able to pop in virtually for a meeting on Friday and it was nice to see everyone.  I am very excited about the new school year (although I will be starting later than everyone else).  This week I purchased your siblings' school supplies so when we get back they will be ready to go to school.  

I often times find myself forgetting how old you would be and what grade you would be going into.  Hard to even fathom you as a 7-year-old 2nd grader.  Forever in my mind, you are 4 and in preschool.  The same age as your baby brother.  

This weekend I took Meena and Noam to the trampoline park here.  There was a Jewish special needs camp with a little girl who reminded me so much of you.  She was being held in the lap of someone while on the trampoline.  I stared.  I wanted to go over and ask about her, but I had shoes on, and I couldn't think of anything besides, "Hi, she reminds me of my dead daughter, what is her diagnosis?", so I just started some more.  While my mind created various scenarios of how the counselors were probably thinking how rude I was to stare, and how if they were to say something I would actually be able to bring you up, the tears filled my eyes.  So much so that Meena caught on and asked me if I was okay, I managed to give a smile and say yes, but my throat caught when I went to say how the little girl reminded me of you. It took a good swallow for me to say it to her.  I tried to get her to go over and ask the counselor about her, but she didn't want to and being how I wasn't going, it would have been pretty hypocritical to make her.

Anyway baby girl...I wish you were here (although the walk up the hill would be quite intense pushing you in your wheelchair). I wish you would come and visit me!  I wish I knew what you have been up to for the last 130 Mondays. I miss you so much!

Until next time.

Love always, 
Ema

The Mighty Contributor