In six days

For three weeks every year, my kids are all "two years apart".  I can respond to the how old are your kids?  question with an even response; and these past three weeks it has been "1, 3, 5, 7, and 9".  The birthday that changes things up occurs in 7 days and the honor is given to Sonzee.  In one week my "toddler" becomes a "preschooler", by age and in theory, but not in our reality.  So this birthday is one I meet with an "inner conflict" for lack of a better term.

Four years old.  Another birthday we are beyond grateful for her to celebrate.  Another birthday we are beyond torn on what she would want to have happen.  Four is that first year where kids are excited about a theme and make specific requests.  Maybe it would be Elsa/Anna, Minnie, or My little pony?  I find the task of determining what she really wants to be daunting, overwhelming, and quite honestly suffocating.  It is another birthday we cannot offer her even a taste of cake or she will suffer.  It is another birthday she does not get to celebrate like a "typical Sonzee" would.  Her gifts are all needs based because honestly how many light up/musical switch adapted toys can one girl have that end up sitting on the shelf?!

In six days I will decorate her door with streamers and wake her up by singing "Happy Birthday".  The "new and improved Sonzee" will smirk ear to ear with all of the doting and attention.  She will give us her adorable crooked smiles and hopefully have a day filled with more time awake than spent seizing.  She will hopefully know the day is a day we are honoring her and when her port needle is removed Tuesday we will have a family pool party in her honor in her swim spa after school.  In 6 days it will be February 11, and while 4 years ago on that day I had no idea we would have embarked on this journey, it will be another February 11 that I will be thankful we are getting to spend with her here.

Searching

After April 16, 2015, I never anticipated that we would ever have a question again as to the "cause" of Sonzee's symptoms.  That was the day we were given a summary for her life.  It was the reason for her uncontrollable seizures, her "eyes doing weird things", her cortical vision impairment, and all of her developmental delays.  8 months later it was the reason for her failure to thrive, for the need to get a g-tube, for her to start the ketogenic diet, and for the hypsarrhythmia found in her EEG background. 13 months from that original April date it was the reason for why her stomach just stopped working and why she needed TPN for the first time.  Despite always searching for various answers for her different presentations of GI issues and never needing to search further for the reasons behind her atrocious seizures, CDKL5 has always been our answer...

Until it wasn't.

In September after Sonzee received her personal gait trainer and began to practice more weight bearing we learned she had 5 fractures all in various stages of healing.  I considered every possible cause, but ultimately CDKL5 received the blame.  There are a handful of kiddos who have a CDKL5 diagnosis who also require extensive bone monitoring and supplements, so like her severe presentation of GI issues, I just considered her to have been impacted more in the area of her bone health.  Honestly, besides blaming the formula she is on, it makes perfect sense to place the burden of this on CDKL5.  She is non-ambulatory, she has severe seizures, and she has osteopenia, of course, it could be CDKL5.  Not one of her doctors felt there was any other explanation, so I let it go.

It wasn't until her most recent fracture within the last two weeks and multiple private messages from followers that a voice of doubt began to get louder in my mind.  It doesn't make sense, (my guess is) 95% of kiddos diagnosed with CDKL5 are non-ambulatory, the majority are non-weight bearing, the same percentage if not more have atrocious seizures, it just doesn't make sense!  How did she get a compression fracture when she cannot even sit? How did she get a buckle fracture in her right ankle when she hasn't even put AFO's on in months?  What caused all of her fractures in September?  These are small fractures, they do not require any casting or surgery.  I decided to call the CDKL5 clinic and ask for orthopedics and endocrinology to consult when we go in 2 weeks.  I was told that they will consult with orthopedics, but this is not a CDKL5 issue and they recommend further testing.  I immediately emailed Sonzee's geneticist and explained the situation, who after hearing CDKL5 clinic recommended the testing said she had no problem starting with the sequencing panel for brittle bones.

In 2015 when genetic testing was offered to "find the cause of Sonzee's seizures", I didn't understand what that truly meant.  I have always been thankful that we didn't have to spend years of her life wondering "why" she was the way she was, but I feel like it has prevented us from seeing clearly.  I don't know how I am supposed to be feeling right now, but it is a mixture of hope for a clear cut answer, of sadness over what that answer is likely to reveal, and fear over what it will mean for her.  The days before we were told CDKL5 I said I needed an answer, and as long as we had one I could deal with it.  I feel like I am at that point again...I need an answer and we will deal with whatever it is.

"As long as one keeps searching, the answers come"-Joan Baez

Peek-a-boo

Yesterday we did our annual summer day trip to Kelder's Farm.  My older kids absolutely love berry picking and going on the hayride and trampoline, feeding the animals, and milking the cow.  It is always a fun day and we share the experience with our family friends who have three children; their oldest is older than all of mine, their middle one is the same age as my oldest, and their youngest is a couple of months younger than Sonzee.  Over the years being around their youngest daughter has not really made me sad, just always leaves me in awe thinking of where Sonzee might be if she were typical.  However, this year as she is closer to being three it stings in a different sort of way.

Sonzee's older sister who is 5 has been playing with their youngest daughter almost every day.  They are so cute, and because my daughter is petite, they look close to being the same age, and make the cutest set of pals; hugging each other, laughing, and being silly together.  I was looking back through my pictures from our day at the farm and could not help but feel a pang in my chest as I saw all the pictures of the two of them on the trampoline and holding each other in the smiley-est embraces.  

Those pictures shouted at me "Someone is missing", "She is supposed to be 'Sonzee's friend'", "I should be settling the argument that she could be both of their friends".  It is always these random insignificant moments that crawl into my heart and tug at it in a way I could not have expected.  I have come to know these situations will occur, but since they are unpredictable in a sense, I am never quite prepared for how they will present themselves.  It is on the most perfect fun filled family days that the reality of who Sonzee was not afforded the opportunity to be, sneaks up unexpectedly and says "peek-a-boo".  

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Drifting

It is the night before the first day of camp.  My kids excitedly packed their bags as soon as they each got out of the shower before dinner.  I am used to doing this act myself, and while the Type A part of me cringed letting them throw everything haphazardly into their bags, I took a deep breath and just observed.  I couldn't keep up with their excitement as I was ensuring they each packed their own sunscreens, goggles, towels, and every other item they will need in their backpacks.  I was glancing over the "camphouse" items for Sonzee's bigger sister and trying not to think about the fact that tomorrow should be Sonzee's first day of camp as well.  I know that Sonzee was able to experience Friendship Circle camp in May, but that is not the camp experience I am mourning tonight.

I found my mind drifting off into the distance, to a life that is not mine; what I would refer to as my alter-reality.  It was there I was packing a 4th backpack with two bathing suits and two towels.  Sadly even in my fictitious reality I have no idea what backpack Sonzee would be sporting or what bathing suit style she would prefer.  I think the saddest part of this daydream is that I cannot imagine anything about who Sonzee would have been had she been the typical child we anticipated.  It almost makes me more angry that I cannot even mourn properly, because this deficiency has taken away everything that I should know about my 3 year old.  I am left simply guessing and insinuating about her personality and preferences, but the truth is, she is unable to tell me specifics so even my dreams leave me anxious about the potential disservice I am causing.

There are nights like tonight where I wish Sonzee's CDKL5 deficiency did not exist.  Where we were just a boring, typical family with no obvious outward struggles and I didn't know anything about CDKL5, childhood epilepsy, or have any significant first hand knowledge about a profound developmental disability.  While this is and always will be the path our family must travel, there is still a significant part of my mind that is traveling an imaginary parallel journey filled with the "could haves", "would haves", and "should haves".


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Happy Diagnosis Day?

Happy Diagnosis Day?  I am typically a fan of celebrating every inch stone, milestone, Sonzee-stone, what have you, so it only seems fitting to somehow adorn our house with balloons and give thanks to CDKL5 being placed into our lives two years ago today.  Since I am not quite ready for that after only two years, I suppose the all-out celebration will have to be placed on a brief hold and reconsidered next year (or the year after?).  Regardless, today marks an important day in our family's life, and so today I am going to explain to every person who reads this blog post and for those of you who share the information written on this blog that CDKL5 does NOT mean your child has a worthless, unmeaningful, depressing, insert any negative connotation type of life.

CDKL5 has brought many challenges for Sonzee and our family.  The diagnosis made our worst fears become a reality in a matter of seconds.  However, two years in and our daughter is still alive and has not given up, so we will not either.  There are many people who pity the life that Sonzee lives.  There are those who decide that her quality of life is not "quality".  There are those who think she would be or that we would be better off without her here.  Yes, having a CDKL5 mutation is not ideal, no, I would never have chosen for my child to have a CDKL5 mutation, but this is how she was given to us and we love her the way she is.  She may be a little girl trapped inside her body, but she is smart and she is aware and she knows what is going on (it only takes one minute of actually being present with her to know all of this).

I pity people who think that having a disability defines a person.  I actually despise people who think that because a child is nonverbal that means they have no idea what is going on.  I feel sorry for people who do not take the time to get to know the child and learn to communicate with them in a different manner.  Every person has a story to tell and it may not be told verbally, and if you do not give a person the chance to tell it in his/her own way, that is not reflective of their cognitive capabilities.  If you meet a child or a person with CDKL5 I challenge you to spend time really getting to know him/her, not just petting their heads, or looking through their eyes.  I promise you will see the light in their eyes and their individual personality shine through, along with their obvious likes and dislikes made abundantly clear.

Having a CDKL5 diagnosis for Sonzee did not give us the answers we wanted, it did not give us closure and it did not give us any specific path to take.  It continues to give us speedbumps, hurdles, and roadblocks that we must creatively maneuver around.  It brings many nights of tears and a lifetime of fears as a parent.  CDKL5 means a life of challenges for Sonzee and a life of defending her capabilities to others who are too blind and closeminded to see them.  CDKL5 has given me various new perspectives, many great friendships, and an extended family that I will forever be grateful for. 

After only two years, the diagnosis is still too raw for me to embrace with open arms, but the strength, perseverance, and bearlike qualities it has given to Sonzee and honestly every other person in our immediate family is helping me to accept it a little more every day.  

So... I guess happy CDKL5 diagnosis day?

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"Accept"

I have struggled with the term "acceptance" since we were in the position of learning Sonzee had epilepsy and that it was the result of a CDKL5 mutation.  When you find yourself in this type of situation, your brain and your heart do not always align with one another.  You know deep down what the reality of the situation is, but you think that love or some special power will bring a miracle and the situation will go against all the negative odds.  As you make your way through the journey certain realizations occur that put a halt or just downright stop certain fantasy dreams you might have conjured up, and you start to "accept" that what the situation now is, is in fact, what it is.  A huge problem I have with acceptance is that my brain says, "if you accept this fate, then you have given up", so I find myself constantly torn.

As I have shared, Sonzee will be turning two in a matter of weeks (2.5 to be more exact) and she is unable to sit on her own, she is unable to walk, she is unable to talk, and she is pretty much unable to do most typical things a child turning two should be able to do.  I have put off the purchase of two "big ticket" items for two reasons, 1. they cost a ridiculous amount of money and 2. buying the item makes me feel like I am giving up on her ever gaining the skill(s) on her own.  For two years my brain has told myself that Sonzee would probably sit unsupported between 3-5 years old and walk after age 7 (if she was able to gain these skills at all).  For those of you who might not be familiar with the deficits of CDKL5, those are the average ages that these skills are mastered within the CDKL5 population, if they are mastered.  While I did not expect Sonzee to gain the skill earlier, I dreamed it would happen.  There are plenty of girls around her age with a CDKL5 mutation who are capable of worlds more than she is, so I grasped at the fantasy it might be in her favor as well.  That has not been our case.

Last night I stared at the computer and decided with her birthday money she was given by both of her grandparents it was time to by the FireFly GoTo Seat.  I bought it in purple, and that is important to note because color choices become significant in these situations as they are what make buying special needs equipment tolerable for me.  This is one of those emotional days on this journey as it breaks my heart that she will be two and is not able to sit on her on.  It is one of those days where I "accept" where she is at and I "accept" that this tool will make her quality of life so much better.  She will now be able to sit in a grocery cart, at the table at a restaurant, and in her siblings’ power wheels cars.  Simultaneously, it is also one of those days where I mourn, yet again, where this mutation has led her life.

In addition to the GoTo Seat, I decided to get the FireFly Upsee so that she can feel what it is like to walk.  This is a device worn by an adult and we strap Sonzee in with a harness and she shares the footpads with the adult walking so her body gets the ability to feel what walking is like.  I felt this was the perfect time because she has good head control and she does not weigh that much.  This of course was bought in pink and I am extremely excited to give her this new experience and a different view of her surroundings.  

Two years ago I did not know that the FireFly website existed.  I was blissfully unaware to what laid ahead on our journey of becoming parents of four kids 5 and under.  Two years ago I never thought about seizures, stomach motility issues or small bowel bacterial overgrowth.  I never knew the names and spellings of the most commonly used seizure medications or thought that I would know more about a medical condition than some in the medical field.  Two years ago the life I dreamed of having had different plans for me and so now I will continue to spend the rest of my years working on "accepting" all of the changes.

Who is Sonya?

Sonya is one of those babies that people refer to as a "beautiful baby".  Not just as a conversational filler, or to make me, the mom of the new baby feel better, but because she is legitimately a beautiful baby.  She has been special from the start.  Wanted very much by her parents to add to their already crazy house of three active, silly siblings ranging from almost 2 to 5 years old.  Sonya came quickly into this world, a little less than 2 weeks prior to her due date and was ready to take her place, letting us know she would not just be an ordinary 4th child, but that she has a story to tell.  This is where Sonya's Story begins...but the rest is still unwritten