It is 3:23am and little bear finished her seizure about 5 minutes ago. She is back up to the 4ml dose of Zonisamide we attempted to give her last week while in the hospital. We are trying to give this drug a chance, get her to a therapeutic level and then judge, but my gut says to jump ship. I know part of that feeling is out of fear and the complete loss of control we have found ourselves in. The other part of me believes whether it is now or a month from now, Zonisamide is not going to be her saving grace.
So here we are, here she is in this situation, and here I am back to my middle of the night posts and waking up to alarms and seizures. I am angry and sad. This is NOT what I want for my two-year-old, this is NO way to live, this HAS to stop. But how? Where is the magic? Where is the cure?
I am doing my best to not play the "what if" game, to not analyze our decisions with a microscope. I am telling myself that this would have been the outcome regardless of stopping Sabril, that this was all in the plan because we are in the dreaded toddler years of CDKL5. That we are not responsible for her current situation. I do not know if this is 100% true, but I also do not know that it is not. I know I should try and be open minded. As her doctor reminded me last week, we are running out of options, so I really want (need) this medication to work.
I am so beyond broken for little bear. This is absolutely horrific to experience as a parent. I am hopeful that we will eventually get her seizures under some sort of control, until then, the message I received in my bath bomb before bed is going to be what I make my brain focus on every time I close my eyes.