Tuesday, November 24, 2015

The hard stuff

its gonna get harder before it gets easier

I knew from the very beginning that this "journey" was going to more of an emotional, physical, scary, and crazy, you name it roller coaster ride, yet I still do not feel that I was adequately prepared.  I can safely say 8 months in and no amount or specific type of pep talk could prepare me for everything I am experiencing emotionally.  It is a bit difficult for me to accurately articulate all the thoughts that are going on inside my mind.  To give you a visual image, it would be equivalent to a ping-pong match.  

The last couple of weeks I have found myself fearful of what I do not know lies ahead.  Seizures aside because sadly those do not scare me, or maybe it is more that I am just numb to them already.  I am fearful of what lies ahead for Sonzee in the developmental department.  There are no videos, no pictures, no other Sonzee's before us that tell me "this is the exact road that Sonya will be following".  Everyone is quick to tell me that I should not worry, that I should relax, that I should take it one day at a time, but be honest, if Sonzee was your child, would you listen and follow that advice?  I get it, the worrying does not do anything for me, but right now it is really the only thing I can do.  

When I take Sonzee out in public, the main comments I am told are "she is so pretty" and "look at the little baby".  It is still difficult for a stranger to notice she is different with just a 2-3 second glance.  In an ironic twist, I am thankful she is on the smaller side for her age.  It only would cause someone to think twice if they ask me how old she is and they happen to know a thing or two about typical baby development.  I get the most nervous when I tell someone her age because it is obvious at that point she is behind the curve.  In the same breath I want to go into automatic momma bear defense mode and tell them her story, but that would be more than they bargained for.

I realize as the days continue to pass we are getting closer and closer to her first birthday.  While on one hand I am happy to celebrate how far she will have come, I am honestly dreading it.  There will not be a smiling little girl excited to play with her toys or the bags and boxes they are packaged in.  She most likely will not be crawling through a smash cake making a trail of chocolate as she moves.  She will be dependent on me and others to pick her up, move her around, feed her, and perform every other life skill that has been done for her since she was born.  It is definitely not how I envisioned I would celebrate a child's first birthday.

As time continues to speed by, my baby girl is growing up, but I am fearful she will always be my baby.

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