Friday, October 30, 2020

Shifted

I debated between a glass of wine and a decaf coffee.  While inside the house is warm, it is 36 degrees outside and a cup of something warm seemed to be a better fit.  I walked into the kitchen and opened the cabinet.  The mugs we have for after our meat meals are black on the outside with a primary color on the inside.  I tilt each cup down until I find the red, today it only took 4 tries.  There are little representations of her all around me.  I wonder if that is why that in a place she has never been inside of, I feel closest to her when I am here, at Bear Pines.

We don't have anything of hers specifically here, but there is something about being here that makes reality nonexistent and my ability to cope with her loss easier.  There are bears and red accents all around, there is a warmth inside that I know is from her influence, but without the specific memories and flashback of her physical presence because she hasn't ever been here.  I can't go into her bedroom in Phoenix, but I have found this place to be my mental compromise and escape, a place where I can feel closer to her, but the reality of her life and death isn't right in my face.  Gosh, this whole grief journey is really complicated.

I put together the NBA Jam arcade game in the game room today.  Her sisters were in there laughing while playing on it, having what sounded to be a great time and the song "I see the light" from Tangled was playing on Alexa,.  Then there was some tsunami of a perfect storm around me because it was the first time in almost 9 months their laughter brought me to tears.  I had never understood why I was previously told statements such as, it is okay to laugh, it is okay to smile, it is okay to have a good time.  It was the first time their happiness felt unfair, out of place, unjust, and it was yet another surprise wall slam on this grief journey.  While I wonder if it is considered a new low to be using a Swiffer vacuum and finding yourself in tears I am sure there are going to be more of these lows.  At least while I am here, attempting to escape the reality of grief, even when it finds a way to seep in, there is always something related to the house's namesake in nearby view that helps to fill my lungs with air and help me moving forward.

And the world has somehow shifted
All at once, everything is different

  

The Mighty Contributor

Monday, October 26, 2020

38 Weeks

Dear Sonzee, 

Close to 40ish weeks ago we formally placed you into hospice care.  38 weeks ago I gave you the last kiss on your cheek you ever received from anyone.  Between the next two weeks or so, mothers will be giving their babies they have been dreaming of over this same time period their very first kisses they will ever receive.  The only word I can think of is insanity, I am sure there are others more appropriate, but they might sound a bit bitter, which isn't really how I am feeling.  I would say hurt, heartbroken, confused, and out of place would be more appropriate, but yet even they still don't do the emotions justice.  They also really don't fully explain much to anyone not in this club, which also seems unfair in and of itself.

The further time goes on, the more I feel myself unravel a bit more.  I feel like the world just keeps moving at whatever normal speed was or really is, but I want to scream STOP!  It's NOT normal to have to live without you.  Life shouldn't be continuing on without you here with us.  We shouldn't be a party of 6...we ARE a party of 7.  I feel like the world doesn't get it, and let's be honest, people don't, but also at the same time they shouldn't, it's just me who wishes they would?  

It's weird how while you were here with us we really couldn't sweat the small stuff or the mundane parts of life because the challenges we faced were really traumatic and literally life and death.  But, now you are gone, and we have faced death, and honestly, even the challenges we once faced feel smaller than the reality and concept of you being dead, so I care even less about what the majority of the world might consider a code red.  (I still hold my stance that everyone's challenges are individualized to them and so my challenges don't make someone else's less, they might be huge for them, so I am not diminishing that at all, they just aren't anything that if I was faced with would affect me the same.) 

Your sisters, little brother, and I stayed at Bear Pines an extra night because what was initially a huge chance at possible snowfall has been decreased to possibly an in the middle of the night snow shower, so we are here and I will wake them up to hopefully see the first snowfall of the season.  They have an eye drs appointment in Phoenix in the morning, so we will be up early anyway to drive back, but honestly, it matters more for them to get this experience, so I will do what I can!  They were so excited pulling out all of their winter clothing.  It is currently 44 but feels like 30.  I have every weather map up I can find to give me some hope we might all see a snowflake.  The last time we saw one, you were with us here and we took you sledding.

Tzvi scored his very first goal in squirts today!  It was a beautiful shot, he even tripped and fell and still made it in!  I was so proud of him!  He is really becoming a solid little player!  He is even playing with a mask on which I know isn't exactly easy for him.  His team won 10-3, it was really something to see.

Anyway baby girl, I love and miss you a lot!  I hope to see you in my dreams soon, whether I am ready or not...it's been too long! 

Until next time.

Love always, 
Ema




The Mighty Contributor

Friday, October 23, 2020

Can't...

Throughout Sonzee's entire life I felt like we were walking a tightrope, and not one that you see in the circus, the ones that set world records for people being able to successfully navigate to the other side.  I suppose it would be up to individual opinion as to whether her death was the other side or if I missed a step and fell off the rope.  I guess it also depends if the rope was hers or mine? Either way, like we are all engrained to do,  I have to pick myself up and keep on moving.  If her death was me falling off, then I have to get back up and continue on the same rope.  If her death was me making it to the other side, I have to keep moving forward, so the journey continues on an extension of that rope.  Except...I can't.
 
I can't isn't exactly honest, nor is it really fair to say, it is more of an "I can't" blended with an "I don't want to".  My new journey means it won't ever be what it was.  I get that, I do.  I understand there is no going back and there is no physical her that will be in my present or future.  Whether I walk along the rope or stay where I am at, that fact is never changing, I understand that.  But, if I take a step, even a small one, even one that she would've taken in her gait trainer, then it means it's a step further away from her, further away from the life we once lived, further away from life with Sonzee.

I talk to friends, I scroll through Facebook, I see varying opinions on COVID19 and remaining at home vs going back to normal.  I am stuck.  Our life was a quarantine for the 4 years 11 months and 23 days she spent with us.  That is our normal.  That is what I know to be life.  That is where I have always felt safe.  It's how and where we were able to keep her relatively safe.  Since 2015 we have followed Phoenix Children's Hospital restrictions in our house, and no one comes in or out from late fall to close to summer.  A medically complex sign hung on our front door, shoe coverings (and at times masks) were given to those coming inside, and hand sanitizer pumps attached to the walls are front and center. The life of quarantine is a familiar one.  It was all because of her, and the thought of leaving that because theoretically, we now can, makes this rope even more of a challenge than the one I once thought to be the most delicately woven thin impossible rope to maneuver.  

The Mighty Contributor

Monday, October 19, 2020

37 weeks

Hey Sonzee girl,

The weather isn’t awful and I am able to sit on the sidewalk in front of you today at 2pm without burning. The tree closest to the street is actually providing you some shade.  I feel like that hasn’t always been the case? Or maybe it's just the time of day?  There seems to be a consistent breeze today...it isn’t overwhelmingly hot either...I know your welcome breeze will be here shortly. Ahhh here it is.

I am essentially a day early writing this post, but for some reason I felt like writing by your side, so I will just post it tomorrow.  (Today) marks 37 weeks.  It doesn’t make sense to me that we are coming close to 9 months.  I could’ve birthed a baby in this amount of time, but yet I’m just marking another amount of time that has passed without you here.  It’s still. So. Hard. 

Bear Pines has been filling up with guests and it makes my heart so happy.  It’s still not completely 100%, but it’s getting really close.  I’m hopeful that when I pop back up this week the facia will be all painted and hung and the house will be all completed on the outside.  The idea was a fresh coat of paint and it turned into a bit more than that. Oops! There is a teensy snag on your siblings playhouse...hopefully we get it sorted out quickly or we will have to remove it and start from scratch on a smaller scale.  But, we will be having the ice rink!!! I am so excited! I hope it all comes together. 

Speaking of ice, Tzvi played his first game as a Jr. Sun Devil today! We didn’t all go like we usually do...but we watched on the computer and Tzvi went out at first shift! My heart swelled with pride! I honestly wasn’t sure if or how long of playing time he would even get, but he did great! No scores today, but he had some really beautiful passes.  There’s a part of me that is thankful we aren’t in person...to have to go back to a rink we have taken you into and not have you be there is something I am still just not ready for.  I can picture the last time I changed your diaper in that parking lot last year, and where I placed your wheelchair during the game.  There was a stroller in the view of the camera during the game and I was glad when it moved out of view. 

We did 3 year old pictures of boss baby yeisterday.  He wore a tuxedo and used your pink car...it’s totally perfect for him because he can pull it off.  He is getting an orange mustang for his birthday...you guys would have had the best races! He’s been looking at your book a lot recently and he’ll point and say Sonzee...Noam...and smile.  There was one of you in your car and him in the little tikes car being pushed.  Tzvi asked when I’ll make his book with you...I NEED to make that a priority! I often wonder how I managed to get things done during your lifetime considering I can’t find the time now to get anything done? It’s quite confusing for me!

Anyway my love,  I miss you so incredibly much! I wish there could be a countdown until I knew I would see you again...but I know that’s not how this all works.  Instead I will just keep counting the weeks since you were here and telling you what is going on.

Love you so much!!

Until next time.

Love always,
Ema 


Wednesday, October 14, 2020

Marked complete

Every once and a while I go into the backend of Sonya's Story business page and scroll through the posts I have yet to react to the comments of or mark as completed.  It is usually in the middle of the night when my ability to sleep is far enough away that I am just starting to be aware of the burn in my eyes.  The type A person in me hates to see the red notification alert and the number of how many items remain.  Inevitably I get antsy with scrolling by date, mainly because it makes me feel like the task is insurmountable when it takes me 20 minutes to get through whatever the current month is, tonight it happens to be October.  I then decided to start to type letters and have smaller lists to mark complete, but didn't give the letters I typed much though and began with Jan.

I worked through some from January 2018 (I know, I am really behind), then 2019 (I had forgotten how bad that month was), and then naturally, because it was January, stumbled across my post about hospice.  If I could explain the feeling that consumes my body when it comes to certain flashbacks, it would still most probably not do it justice.  It's an immediate chill complete with this prickling sensation that overtakes me, it then strikes really hard at my chest and travels up into my head and leaves me feeling like I was punched in the chest but mixed with this coldness that penetrates my core as if I was damp and sitting in 40 degrees outside.  The waves of chills continue for a bit; and all the while I continue to read through the hundreds of comments I never could previously stomach.  That is a mixture of heartache and appreciation.

Gosh, this journey has been so unfair.  She was never even given a fair chance, it makes so frustrated for her, so sad for everyone who loves her, and just heartbroken in general.  I am grateful and thankful for how her living journey ended, I couldn't have dreamed up a better scenario...except for one where it never needed to even be a consideration of a dream.

The Mighty Contributor

Tuesday, October 13, 2020

36 weeks

Dear Sonzee,  We survived our first Simchas Torah without you.  I know if we had ever asked you, that would have been your most favorite holiday.  I remember how initially aba didn't want to take you to dance around the Torah when you were an infant because "you wouldn't like it", but I made him anyway.  I told him there was no way he could know when he hadn't even offered you the opportunity, so with me standing from the woman's section, I watched eagerly as he pushed you around with everyone dancing with you.  Meena and her friends always climbing into the stroller to sit practically on you, every other year someone broke the footrest or the front portion of whatever stroller or wheelchair we sent you.  You absolutely LOVED it.  I was SO beyond thankful things weren't back to enough normal here in Phoenix (for me at least) to have to go watch that dancing without you being there.  Aba wore you on his socks, did you notice yours are red? (I am going to get him some more of you) This weekend was tough, I won't lie, but I suppose there have been and will continue to be worse days.  Aba danced with your siblings around the counter and I had to really hide the tears in my eyes as I watched Noam hold onto Meena.  I wondered if you had been here if he would have pushed you or if you would have been pushed by aba?  I can sometimes picture you participating as if you are here, not sure if that is better or worse.  It certainly makes pretending I am ok near impossible, but I am pretty smooth at this point at getting passed the moments unnoticed.   The issue though is then in talking to Auntie A thinking I am fine and then being unable to get through the story without the tears.  I went to tell her our across the street neighbors had their 2nd grandchild.  I saw them get out of the car and I could tell with all of the items being taken out there was going to be a newborn baby to follow.  I started to daydream back to the times of Laeya and Tzvi and I was thinking about how we used to be like that, parents of two.  Ziva was over playing with your siblings and they were all running up and down the driveway being silly and laughing.  As I stared my mind said, yes I am sure her looking over here will be like yup, 5 is insane...and then as if I was slapped awake from a dream Ziva ran by me with one of her infectious smiles and red cheeks from running down the driveway and I realized "oh, wait".  That pretty much sucked the life out of me.   So many moments like that have been occurring lately.  Apparently, aba has felt a bit similar.  Maybe it is just how this goes?  We are halfway through October and despite knowing the cemetery will call me when your monument arrives I hold my breath every time I drive up to you.  I am half-filled with excitement over potentially seeing it and relief when I see that it isn't up.  Aba and I want to do something "biggish" for the unveiling, COVID19 style that is. I am thinking of a zoom debut?  I also have started to think about what we will do to honor your one year anniversary.  The time seems to be sneaking by so quickly, I feel now would be a good time to start really figuring out what we want to do.  I wonder what things will be like in spring regarding Corona.  That will certainly play a role. I miss you beyond words!  We love and miss you so so much! Love always, Ema http://dlvr.it/RjX7Bl http://dlvr.it/RjXZTJ
http://dlvr.it/RjXxlb

36 weeks

Dear Sonzee,  We survived our first Simchas Torah without you.  I know if we had ever asked you, that would have been your most favorite holiday.  I remember how initially aba didn't want to take you to dance around the Torah when you were an infant because "you wouldn't like it", but I made him anyway.  I told him there was no way he could know when he hadn't even offered you the opportunity, so with me standing from the woman's section, I watched eagerly as he pushed you around with everyone dancing with you.  Meena and her friends always climbing into the stroller to sit practically on you, every other year someone broke the footrest or the front portion of whatever stroller or wheelchair we sent you.  You absolutely LOVED it.  I was SO beyond thankful things weren't back to enough normal here in Phoenix (for me at least) to have to go watch that dancing without you being there.  Aba wore you on his socks, did you notice yours are red? (I am going to get him some more of you) This weekend was tough, I won't lie, but I suppose there have been and will continue to be worse days.  Aba danced with your siblings around the counter and I had to really hide the tears in my eyes as I watched Noam hold onto Meena.  I wondered if you had been here if he would have pushed you or if you would have been pushed by aba?  I can sometimes picture you participating as if you are here, not sure if that is better or worse.  It certainly makes pretending I am ok near impossible, but I am pretty smooth at this point at getting passed the moments unnoticed.   The issue though is then in talking to Auntie A thinking I am fine and then being unable to get through the story without the tears.  I went to tell her our across the street neighbors had their 2nd grandchild.  I saw them get out of the car and I could tell with all of the items being taken out there was going to be a newborn baby to follow.  I started to daydream back to the times of Laeya and Tzvi and I was thinking about how we used to be like that, parents of two.  Ziva was over playing with your siblings and they were all running up and down the driveway being silly and laughing.  As I stared my mind said, yes I am sure her looking over here will be like yup, 5 is insane...and then as if I was slapped awake from a dream Ziva ran by me with one of her infectious smiles and red cheeks from running down the driveway and I realized "oh, wait".  That pretty much sucked the life out of me.   So many moments like that have been occurring lately.  Apparently, aba has felt a bit similar.  Maybe it is just how this goes?  We are halfway through October and despite knowing the cemetery will call me when your monument arrives I hold my breath every time I drive up to you.  I am half-filled with excitement over potentially seeing it and relief when I see that it isn't up.  Aba and I want to do something "biggish" for the unveiling, COVID19 style that is. I am thinking of a zoom debut?  I also have started to think about what we will do to honor your one year anniversary.  The time seems to be sneaking by so quickly, I feel now would be a good time to start really figuring out what we want to do.  I wonder what things will be like in spring regarding Corona.  That will certainly play a role. I miss you beyond words!  We love and miss you so so much! Love always, Ema http://dlvr.it/RjX7Bl
http://dlvr.it/RjXZTJ

36 weeks

Dear Sonzee,  We survived our first Simchas Torah without you.  I know if we had ever asked you, that would have been your most favorite holiday.  I remember how initially aba didn't want to take you to dance around the Torah when you were an infant because "you wouldn't like it", but I made him anyway.  I told him there was no way he could know when he hadn't even offered you the opportunity, so with me standing from the woman's section, I watched eagerly as he pushed you around with everyone dancing with you.  Meena and her friends always climbing into the stroller to sit practically on you, every other year someone broke the footrest or the front portion of whatever stroller or wheelchair we sent you.  You absolutely LOVED it.  I was SO beyond thankful things weren't back to enough normal here in Phoenix (for me at least) to have to go watch that dancing without you being there.  Aba wore you on his socks, did you notice yours are red? (I am going to get him some more of you) This weekend was tough, I won't lie, but I suppose there have been and will continue to be worse days.  Aba danced with your siblings around the counter and I had to really hide the tears in my eyes as I watched Noam hold onto Meena.  I wondered if you had been here if he would have pushed you or if you would have been pushed by aba?  I can sometimes picture you participating as if you are here, not sure if that is better or worse.  It certainly makes pretending I am ok near impossible, but I am pretty smooth at this point at getting passed the moments unnoticed.   The issue though is then in talking to Auntie A thinking I am fine and then being unable to get through the story without the tears.  I went to tell her our across the street neighbors had their 2nd grandchild.  I saw them get out of the car and I could tell with all of the items being taken out there was going to be a newborn baby to follow.  I started to daydream back to the times of Laeya and Tzvi and I was thinking about how we used to be like that, parents of two.  Ziva was over playing with your siblings and they were all running up and down the driveway being silly and laughing.  As I stared my mind said, yes I am sure her looking over here will be like yup, 5 is insane...and then as if I was slapped awake from a dream Ziva ran by me with one of her infectious smiles and red cheeks from running down the driveway and I realized "oh, wait".  That pretty much sucked the life out of me.   So many moments like that have been occurring lately.  Apparently, aba has felt a bit similar.  Maybe it is just how this goes?  We are halfway through October and despite knowing the cemetery will call me when your monument arrives I hold my breath every time I drive up to you.  I am half-filled with excitement over potentially seeing it and relief when I see that it isn't up.  Aba and I want to do something "biggish" for the unveiling, COVID19 style that is. I am thinking of a zoom debut?  I also have started to think about what we will do to honor your one year anniversary.  The time seems to be sneaking by so quickly, I feel now would be a good time to start really figuring out what we want to do.  I wonder what things will be like in spring regarding Corona.  That will certainly play a role. I miss you beyond words!  We love and miss you so so much! Love always, Ema
http://dlvr.it/RjX7Bl

36 weeks

Dear Sonzee, 

We survived our first Simchas Torah without you.  I know if we had ever asked you, that would have been your most favorite holiday.  I remember how initially aba didn't want to take you to dance around the Torah when you were an infant because "you wouldn't like it", but I made him anyway.  I told him there was no way he could know when he hadn't even offered you the opportunity, so with me standing from the woman's section, I watched eagerly as he pushed you around with everyone dancing with you.  Meena and her friends always climbing into the stroller to sit practically on you, every other year someone broke the footrest or the front portion of whatever stroller or wheelchair we sent you.  You absolutely LOVED it.  I was SO beyond thankful things weren't back to enough normal here in Phoenix (for me at least) to have to go watch that dancing without you being there.  Aba wore you on his socks, did you notice yours are red? (I am going to get him some more of you)

This weekend was tough, I won't lie, but I suppose there have been and will continue to be worse days.  Aba danced with your siblings around the counter and I had to really hide the tears in my eyes as I watched Noam hold onto Meena.  I wondered if you had been here if he would have pushed you or if you would have been pushed by aba?  I can sometimes picture you participating as if you are here, not sure if that is better or worse.  It certainly makes pretending I am ok near impossible, but I am pretty smooth at this point at getting passed the moments unnoticed.  

The issue though is then in talking to Auntie A thinking I am fine and then being unable to get through the story without the tears.  I went to tell her our across the street neighbors had their 2nd grandchild.  I saw them get out of the car and I could tell with all of the items being taken out there was going to be a newborn baby to follow.  I started to daydream back to the times of Laeya and Tzvi and I was thinking about how we used to be like that, parents of two.  Ziva was over playing with your siblings and they were all running up and down the driveway being silly and laughing.  As I stared my mind said, yes I am sure her looking over here will be like yup, 5 is insane...and then as if I was slapped awake from a dream Ziva ran by me with one of her infectious smiles and red cheeks from running down the driveway and I realized "oh, wait".  That pretty much sucked the life out of me.  

So many moments like that have been occurring lately.  Apparently, aba has felt a bit similar.  Maybe it is just how this goes?  We are halfway through October and despite knowing the cemetery will call me when your monument arrives I hold my breath every time I drive up to you.  I am half-filled with excitement over potentially seeing it and relief when I see that it isn't up.  Aba and I want to do something "biggish" for the unveiling, COVID19 style that is. I am thinking of a zoom debut?  I also have started to think about what we will do to honor your one year anniversary.  The time seems to be sneaking by so quickly, I feel now would be a good time to start really figuring out what we want to do.  I wonder what things will be like in spring regarding Corona.  That will certainly play a role.

I miss you beyond words!  We love and miss you so so much!

Love always, 
Ema


The Mighty Contributor

Thursday, October 8, 2020

35 weeks 2 days 21.5 hours

Dear Sonzee, 

I am sorry it has taken me a bit to write you another letter.  I can't really say that it is because I didn't have the time, it isn't the actual time, it is more that for some reason it was just too difficult to find the time from the emotional standpoint.  I find sometimes that my avoidance behaviors tend to win out more often than not, so again, I apologize.

This week is fall break and we are up at Bear Pines.  I know you know because a few minutes after walking outside I am greeted with what I have come to know and appreciate as one of your signature "Sonzee breezes".  It was one of those things I initially chalked up to nothing and then over time, I leaned into the craziness.  It seems fitting that our nonverbal communication has extended beyond your little lifetime. and for the most part, there is a huge comfort knowing you are around me, but it can also randomly make the tears just pour out.

Bear Pines is almost all finished being painted.  We really channeled our inner Sonzee with the color, I was worried about it coming together, but it really is perfect.  The weather is getting cooler and I personally am really excited.  I found a company online that provides outside ice rinks, and you know how aba and Tzviki have always wanted a rink in our yard, well, this winter I am hoping it becomes a reality.  I also strung some porch lights, I think that is the term.  Aba has been nagging me to get rope lights, and so I did, and they look awesome!  As a gift to all who trip on stairs, I also bought myself the gift of motion lights for the stairs on the front porch.  I have been having a blast integrating everything with Alexa, I can even have it unlock the front door.  

Laeya has been trying to get the squirrels to come from Mr. Vince's house to ours, but it has been hard to compete with his array of nut bins.  She was finally successful this time.  Noam went outside and scared tiny tail away, but there will be a red picnic table arriving this weekend so we will be upping our game.  The squirrels have been jumping from Mr. Vince's trees onto our roof then into the trees to get to the front of our house, it is so neat to watch them.  This morning, one made a pit stop onto the porch while I was sitting there writing this letter.  I think Noam might have played a role in that little chase, he made it successfully into the tree when he realized I was on the couch.

I guess it's time for me to remind you that we miss and love you!

Until next time.

Love always, 
Ema

The Mighty Contributor

Saturday, October 3, 2020

8 Months




Dear Sonzee Bear, 

It is surreal it has been 8 entire months since you died.  Aba said the other night how it can't believe how it was only 8 months ago because it feels like a lifetime ago.  I added in, but yet yesterday.  It is honestly so difficult to explain how time warps itself even more than the intangible concept it already is.  It is much easier to use it as a measure of telling someone the time of day vs trying to use it as a way to explain the gaps in time, both forward and back.  A lifetime seems accurate in terms of how much our lives have shifted since you were here but all those times are so engrained in my mind I can vividly remember them as if they all were just yesterday.

This week a friend of your's mom called and we talked for over an hour, tears were shared on both sides for different but yet similar reasons.  My heart literally understands and feels the pain of confusion in trying to make sure she is doing her absolute best, tinged with the always present lingering doubt of wondering if this is some sign that means she should alter the extreme interventions.  That feeling as a parent doesn't wane.  There is always doubt over whether too little or too much is done.  I said to her the words someone said to me, that I now to truly know is the truth since I have been living it for the last 8 months.  No matter what choice is made at the time, you will over-analyze each and every one forever, wondering if it was the right one, so make the choice in your gut .  There is hardly any solace in the day to day and even after the lifetime that has passed there isn't always a constant state of peace. 

I felt like within the last few days death has surrounded me.  Children your age going onto hospice, a high profile mom losing her baby.  I am honestly not even able to process other losses yet.  I don't know how to describe it besides numb,  Maybe it is to protect myself from going too far back into an emotion I haven't yet fully allowed myself to accept and deal with?  I am not sure, but there is a part of me that wants to just reach out and wrap my arms around these people and offer some sort of support, but yet there is a part of me that simply, just cant.  I feel drained and exhausted over the prospect.  I wonder if that will change?  I know from others I am close to who's children died before you, that its normal to get dragged deeper into grief from other children dying or on that road.

My heart is really heavy this month.  The whole wacky concept of time is playing with my mind and emotions.  We are so close to 9 months, which means a year is around the corner, which is just something so challenging to grasp.  Luckily my mind gets overwhelmed when I start down that rabbit hole and it literally shuts off so I don't have to even consider processing it, but then the current time period smacks me in the face.  So for today and the next 28 days I will focus on it only being 8 months and all the special things we will continue to do in your honor, until another month has gone by,

Love always, 
Ema  


The Mighty Contributor