137 and 138 weeks (tomorrow)

 

Dear Sonzee,

I decided to combine the last two weeks since I wrote your monthly letter last week and tomorrow is Rosh Hashana. 

There has been a lot of hockey and a lot of craziness going on the last two weeks with everyone’s schedule.  Max came over and swam twice over the last two weeks. He is so cute, but not a complete fan of the water.  Your brother has finally received his back float ribbon and jump in back float ribbon at swim! (Took him long enough). He is becoming more comfortable in the pool, which is nice. I think that is in part to having the pool in the backyard now. Your siblings go swimming close to every day after school.

Tomorrow will make the 3rd beginning of the Jewish holiday season without you here. Hard to believe that is where we are…hard to believe how time is just passing us all by. 

I brought your goto seat from east valley to west valley so it will be used this year! It is nice seeing your equipment out and being used. For 90% of the time I love seeing it! (The 10% happens when I “forget” or it’s one of those days where I wish we had it for you still-although maybe you would have finally outgrown it by now?!) oh, I also brought it your elephant neck pillow so someone can use that as well! I could bring your angel pillow but it’s with your Sonzee Bear epilepsy stuffed animal on your rifton chair and I’m not sure I can part with it.

This past weekend we finally made it up to Bear Pines.  Tzvi had hockey so it was nice the two came together and the house was available for us. (Thankfully a friend cancelled due to something that came up so it made it so we could use it). I am hopefully for a snowy winter because it is so green and so wet I this year! If I could just figure out the flattening of the side yard so we can get the hockey rink to work out!!! 

Anyway! I hope you have an amazingly sweet new year, filled with more amazing firsts and health, happiness, fun times, and special moments!  We miss you immensely here!!! Feel free to visit (not in the form of water 😉)

Until next time!

Love always,

Ema 

2 years 7 months and 2 weeks

Dear Sonzee, 

I realized I missed the monthly anniversary date over a week ago, but figured I would wait until a more "even" date to formally acknowledge the time.  I am unsure if that was a "good" idea or not, but here we are.  For at least a week I have felt this nagging feeling every morning like I am forgetting something.  I felt it a lot right after you left, but then it seemed like it went away, or maybe I just learned to live with it. Maybe after acknowledging the last month and 2 weeks with this letter it will be further removed from my awareness? 

The months on a whole seem to fly by. It is probably how I missed writing to you on the 3rd as it is.  Pair that together with pop-pop's birthday weekend and your brother's hockey tournament and it was the perfect recipe to not realizing/remembering the date.

Historically with my grief this time of year is a challenge.  It is weird considering there are no specific dates around now that really belong to you, but for some reason the summer turning into fall is a complete struggle.  Maybe it is because your last year here during this time was spent with me fighting for someone to listen and believe me about your failing health?! Maybe it is the looking holiday season? This year, we can add that your younger brother is about to age you and it is certainly a recipe for mental disaster. 

This month brings me closer to another fall and season of holidays without you. Another month further away from the last day we were together. It marks a month closer to completing year 3, which means in fewer years than you will soon be gone you will have been dead longer than you were alive.  So many impending dates that make me want to escape my body so I don't have to bother attempting the impossible task of trying to process them.

These monthly dates that pass continue to get worse despite or probably because grief is changing. I wish still that I could see you in my dreams. (I will be very specific so you don't feel the need to bring any flood waters down). We all miss you a lot! I will try to do better to honor the dates in real time. Stay healthy, be well, and have fun!

Until next time.

Love always, 

Ema 

 

136 weeks and 4 days

Dear Sonzee, 

It has been one of those looonnngg weeks.  Not just because it is 4 days after the Monday that marked the week, but because grief has been a bit heavy.  Last week your sister and I went to New York for the weekend for one of her best friends from camp bat-mitzvah.  I love that we can take her to as many as we have been and will hopefully be able to continue.  Between her trips and your brother's hectic hockey season, I will hardly be home on the weekends for the foreseeable future.  

It was a great trip.  We stayed on the upper west side.  I had forgotten until we went to grab breakfast Friday morning that we had been there before, with you.  I was so annoyed because there was hardly a place to maneuver your wheelchair.  I remember the last time we were at the upper west side with you I wanted to complain to every store manager over the lack of accessibility manhattan has.  Your father wouldn't let me, so I would stew silently over it.  Anyway, it was nice to be in a place you had once been.  

Your absence is constantly felt on these solo trips due to the ease of travel.  

Our return trip home was extra exhausting due to the weather.  During landing, we were diverted to Las Vegas for a bit to refuel and wait it out and then returned back to Phoenix.  Laeya slept and I got a lot of needlepoint done, so that part was very successful.

Work has been nice but exhausting.  

I tried to do a juice cleanse this week, but it didn't work out so well, I think I will just stick with smoothies and eating healthy and not attempt to drink bottles with juiced collard greens.

Your sisters are enrolled in Moshava for next summer and Tzvi's current summer status is on hiatus until we wait to see where he is excepted. He really didn't want to go back to Moshava, and I made him try it for two years, so we are attempting something different, but we shall see what is meant to be. 

Meena has been back at gymnastics for less than 4 weeks and has only been doing it for a little over a year and she got her round-off back handspring. We are unsure when she will start to compete and at what level she will start, could be 2 or 3. My vote is to wait until next year so I have time to wrap my head around two competitive sports in the house. 

The master bathroom shower doors were finally installed!  We are just waiting on the custom laundry room door and then the interior will be complete!  The pavers are going in in the front yard, the end is finally near!

Anyway baby girl.

We miss you and love you lots!

Love always, 

Ema 

135 weeks

  

Dear Sonzee,

I finally made myself visit you, well it was more the piles of rocks that were acquired during our summer travels sitting on the counter in need of being brought to you.  You finally have those now along with the soap stone characters you get for the bigger milestone dates. 

Today 135 weeks and 2 hours and 30 min ago you were finally at peace, or so we think and hope. In the week that followed your death we honored your first missed birthday with painted rocks.  2 years and 7 months later the inspiration we were given by Mrs. Penny to paint those rocks has spread throughout the cemetery. I will be honest, there was a point on this grief journey I loathed seeing other plots decorated with painted rocks. It made me furious people were painting rocks for their parents or grandparents, they weren’t young, it was MY thing for YOU…a child, UNDER 5…but today, today I walked the rows of the cemetery in 108 degrees and smiled at how YOU in yet another way have made such a positive impact in this current world. Every row has at least one plot with at least one painted rock, some have many more. Some families have painted every rock like us, others just a few. It didn’t make me angry (today). Today in the hot breeze I felt you wrapping yourself around me telling me, “Ema, look…I did this…I can do so much now.”

This past week was a busy one. Your sister has gymnastics 3 days a week now for 8.5 hours total, your brother has hockey for his absurd number of hours, I am working full time and have even been meal prepping and planning for lunches and dinner and the house is JUST ABOUT fully finished! (We are awaiting pavers). 

On Tuesday last week I went to the back to school night for your siblings. There are so many new teachers I felt I should actually go this year, so with some help from Bubbie we made it all work. I listened to all of their teachers talk, but one of them is a newly bereaved parent…I couldn’t help but think to myself how I doubt anyone else was thinking about that fact (if every parent even knew). I couldn’t help but focus on the fact that life goes on and work continues and it’s just how it is.  I realize that’s what I do every day, and I doubt many if any people think about that when they look at me either…it’s just not what happens…it’s weird. (Oh apparently in 2.5+ years I have yet to find a better word besides weird. 

This week I took some of your clothing out of boxes and put them in a new box to ship to someone to make us another quilt. I am torn between two background fabrics, but they both include red and bears. I will decide this week I guess. I also took Mermie and little Mermie out of the box and put them on the shelf above your rifton. It feels more complete…I even put up your name letters, which happened to fit perfectly in the space. As aba said, it’s perfect, minus you not sitting your chair. Which I went on to say, well we couldn’t put her in the corner, and he said, oh please Sonzee would love to be in the corner…

Your brother had his first tournament of the season. They didn’t do as well as everyone had hoped, but now they all know what to focus on for the season. He is playing center this year and he is feeling the weight of his new role, but he is doing great, he just needs to gain confidence. We shall see where his team is placed in the division. 

Poppop turned 70 on Friday and we had a nice Shabbat dinner at the house for him. We did a surprise dinner that Bubbie planned, complete with the huge lot up birthday sign in the front of our yard. I think he enjoyed it! It was nice to have a big Shabbat dinner in the dining room! I am so looking forward to many many more!

Anyway baby girl…you are beyond missed and loved! 

Until next time.

Love always,

Ema 

134 weeks and 1.5 days

Dear Sonzee, 

I am only two days behind schedule this week.  I would say it has less to do with not making time and more to do with avoidance.  I don't know why specifically I go into these phases. I can't decide if there is something specific causing it or if it is just par for the course.

I do know from history that this time of year I tend to find my avoidance more prominent. I can't bring my self to visit you because I hate seeing your name on the stone. I haven't dropped off your rocks, because of the above mentioned and that makes me feel guilty. I haven't made you rocks because they would sit around on the counter (like everything I have waiting to bring you) because of not wanting to go to your grave...so all together, it's just crummy.

Laeya decided she didn't need to go to grief group. Meena wants to go for the candy. I couldn't decide, but was leaning towards not wanting to go anymore because instead of helping, it tends to hold me back. I haven't officially closed us out, because that seems final, so in line with my current theme of avoidance, it fits right in.

This past week Tzvi had his first scrimmage. He missed one due to being sick, one due to shabbat and was able to go on Sunday. His team is 3-0 and it is looking like it'll be a great season.  Tonight is the start of the seeding tournament, and I am so excited for us to be back in hockey season.

Last week was a full week of school for your siblings and work for me. It was exhausting, but I am adjusting my bedtime to go to sleep earlier so waking up so early won't be so tiring. We will see how it ends up working out.

Noam asked to have your book of you and him read to him this week. I always love when he does that. He has been talking about you randomly, which is also nice.

Anyway, I got to go.

Love you lots and miss you more!

Until next time.

Love always, 

Ema