Can't...

Throughout Sonzee's entire life I felt like we were walking a tightrope, and not one that you see in the circus, the ones that set world records for people being able to successfully navigate to the other side.  I suppose it would be up to individual opinion as to whether her death was the other side or if I missed a step and fell off the rope.  I guess it also depends if the rope was hers or mine? Either way, like we are all engrained to do,  I have to pick myself up and keep on moving.  If her death was me falling off, then I have to get back up and continue on the same rope.  If her death was me making it to the other side, I have to keep moving forward, so the journey continues on an extension of that rope.  Except...I can't.

 

I can't isn't exactly honest, nor is it really fair to say, it is more of an "I can't" blended with an "I don't want to".  My new journey means it won't ever be what it was.  I get that, I do.  I understand there is no going back and there is no physical her that will be in my present or future.  Whether I walk along the rope or stay where I am at, that fact is never changing, I understand that.  But, if I take a step, even a small one, even one that she would've taken in her gait trainer, then it means it's a step further away from her, further away from the life we once lived, further away from life with Sonzee.

I talk to friends, I scroll through Facebook, I see varying opinions on COVID19 and remaining at home vs going back to normal.  I am stuck.  Our life was a quarantine for the 4 years 11 months and 22 days she spent with us.  That is our normal.  That is what I know to be life.  That is where I have always felt safe.  It's how and where we were able to keep her relatively safe.  Since 2015 we have followed Phoenix Children's Hospital restrictions in our house, and no one comes in or out from late fall to close to summer.  A medically complex sign hung on our front door, shoe coverings (and at times masks) were given to those coming inside, and hand sanitizer pumps attached to the walls are front and center. The life of quarantine is a familiar one.  It was all because of her, and the thought of leaving that because theoretically, we now can, makes this rope even more of a challenge than the one I once thought to be the most delicately woven thin impossible rope to maneuver.  

37 weeks

Hey Sonzee girl,

The weather isn’t awful and I am able to sit on the sidewalk in front of you today at 2pm without burning. The tree closest to the street is actually providing you some shade.  I feel like that hasn’t always been the case? Or maybe it's just the time of day?  There seems to be a consistent breeze today...it isn’t overwhelmingly hot either...I know your welcome breeze will be here shortly. Ahhh here it is.

I am essentially a day early writing this post, but for some reason I felt like writing by your side, so I will just post it tomorrow.  (Today) marks 37 weeks.  It doesn’t make sense to me that we are coming close to 9 months.  I could’ve birthed a baby in this amount of time, but yet I’m just marking another amount of time that has passed without you here.  It’s still. So. Hard. 

Bear Pines has been filling up with guests and it makes my heart so happy.  It’s still not completely 100%, but it’s getting really close.  I’m hopeful that when I pop back up this week the facia will be all painted and hung and the house will be all completed on the outside.  The idea was a fresh coat of paint and it turned into a bit more than that. Oops! There is a teensy snag on your siblings playhouse...hopefully we get it sorted out quickly or we will have to remove it and start from scratch on a smaller scale.  But, we will be having the ice rink!!! I am so excited! I hope it all comes together. 

Speaking of ice, Tzvi played his first game as a Jr. Sun Devil today! We didn’t all go like we usually do...but we watched on the computer and Tzvi went out at first shift! My heart swelled with pride! I honestly wasn’t sure if or how long of playing time he would even get, but he did great! No scores today, but he had some really beautiful passes.  There’s a part of me that is thankful we aren’t in person...to have to go back to a rink we have taken you into and not have you be there is something I am still just not ready for.  I can picture the last time I changed your diaper in that parking lot last year, and where I placed your wheelchair during the game.  There was a stroller in the view of the camera during the game and I was glad when it moved out of view. 

We did 3 year old pictures of boss baby yeisterday.  He wore a tuxedo and used your pink car...it’s totally perfect for him because he can pull it off.  He is getting an orange mustang for his birthday...you guys would have had the best races! He’s been looking at your book a lot recently and he’ll point and say Sonzee...Noam...and smile.  There was one of you in your car and him in the little tikes car being pushed.  Tzvi asked when I’ll make his book with you...I NEED to make that a priority! I often wonder how I managed to get things done during your lifetime considering I can’t find the time now to get anything done? It’s quite confusing for me!

Anyway my love,  I miss you so incredibly much! I wish there could be a countdown until I knew I would see you again...but I know that’s not how this all works.  Instead I will just keep counting the weeks since you were here and telling you what is going on.

Love you so much!!

Until next time.

Love always,

Ema 

Marked complete

Every once and a while I go into the backend of Sonya's Story business page and scroll through the posts I have yet to react to the comments of or mark as completed.  It is usually in the middle of the night when my ability to sleep is far enough away that I am just starting to be aware of the burn in my eyes.  The type A person in me hates to see the red notification alert and the number of how many items remain.  Inevitably I get antsy with scrolling by date, mainly because it makes me feel like the task is insurmountable when it takes me 20 minutes to get through whatever the current month is, tonight it happens to be October.  I then decided to start to type letters and have smaller lists to mark complete, but didn't give the letters I typed much though and began with Jan.

I worked through some from January 2018 (I know, I am really behind), then 2019 (I had forgotten how bad that month was), and then naturally, because it was January, stumbled across my post about hospice.  If I could explain the feeling that consumes my body when it comes to certain flashbacks, it would still most probably not do it justice.  It's an immediate chill complete with this prickling sensation that overtakes me, it then strikes really hard at my chest and travels up into my head and leaves me feeling like I was punched in the chest but mixed with this coldness that penetrates my core as if I was damp and sitting in 40 degrees outside.  The waves of chills continue for a bit; and all the while I continue to read through the hundreds of comments I never could previously stomach.  That is a mixture of heartache and appreciation.

Gosh, this journey has been so unfair.  She was never even given a fair chance, it makes so frustrated for her, so sad for everyone who loves her, and just heartbroken in general.  I am grateful and thankful for how her living journey ended, I couldn't have dreamed up a better scenario...except for one where it never needed to even be a consideration of a dream.

36 weeks

Dear Sonzee,  We survived our first Simchas Torah without you.  I know if we had ever asked you, that would have been your most favorite holiday.  I remember how initially aba didn't want to take you to dance around the Torah when you were an infant because "you wouldn't like it", but I made him anyway.  I told him there was no way he could know when he hadn't even offered you the opportunity, so with me standing from the woman's section, I watched eagerly as he pushed you around with everyone dancing with you.  Meena and her friends always climbing into the stroller to sit practically on you, every other year someone broke the footrest or the front portion of whatever stroller or wheelchair we sent you.  You absolutely LOVED it.  I was SO beyond thankful things weren't back to enough normal here in Phoenix (for me at least) to have to go watch that dancing without you being there.  Aba wore you on his socks, did you notice yours are red? (I am going to get him some more of you) This weekend was tough, I won't lie, but I suppose there have been and will continue to be worse days.  Aba danced with your siblings around the counter and I had to really hide the tears in my eyes as I watched Noam hold onto Meena.  I wondered if you had been here if he would have pushed you or if you would have been pushed by aba?  I can sometimes picture you participating as if you are here, not sure if that is better or worse.  It certainly makes pretending I am ok near impossible, but I am pretty smooth at this point at getting passed the moments unnoticed.   The issue though is then in talking to Auntie A thinking I am fine and then being unable to get through the story without the tears.  I went to tell her our across the street neighbors had their 2nd grandchild.  I saw them get out of the car and I could tell with all of the items being taken out there was going to be a newborn baby to follow.  I started to daydream back to the times of Laeya and Tzvi and I was thinking about how we used to be like that, parents of two.  Ziva was over playing with your siblings and they were all running up and down the driveway being silly and laughing.  As I stared my mind said, yes I am sure her looking over here will be like yup, 5 is insane...and then as if I was slapped awake from a dream Ziva ran by me with one of her infectious smiles and red cheeks from running down the driveway and I realized "oh, wait".  That pretty much sucked the life out of me.   So many moments like that have been occurring lately.  Apparently, aba has felt a bit similar.  Maybe it is just how this goes?  We are halfway through October and despite knowing the cemetery will call me when your monument arrives I hold my breath every time I drive up to you.  I am half-filled with excitement over potentially seeing it and relief when I see that it isn't up.  Aba and I want to do something "biggish" for the unveiling, COVID19 style that is. I am thinking of a zoom debut?  I also have started to think about what we will do to honor your one year anniversary.  The time seems to be sneaking by so quickly, I feel now would be a good time to start really figuring out what we want to do.  I wonder what things will be like in spring regarding Corona.  That will certainly play a role. I miss you beyond words!  We love and miss you so so much! Love always, Ema http://dlvr.it/RjX7Bl http://dlvr.it/RjXZTJ
http://dlvr.it/RjXxlb

36 weeks

Dear Sonzee,  We survived our first Simchas Torah without you.  I know if we had ever asked you, that would have been your most favorite holiday.  I remember how initially aba didn't want to take you to dance around the Torah when you were an infant because "you wouldn't like it", but I made him anyway.  I told him there was no way he could know when he hadn't even offered you the opportunity, so with me standing from the woman's section, I watched eagerly as he pushed you around with everyone dancing with you.  Meena and her friends always climbing into the stroller to sit practically on you, every other year someone broke the footrest or the front portion of whatever stroller or wheelchair we sent you.  You absolutely LOVED it.  I was SO beyond thankful things weren't back to enough normal here in Phoenix (for me at least) to have to go watch that dancing without you being there.  Aba wore you on his socks, did you notice yours are red? (I am going to get him some more of you) This weekend was tough, I won't lie, but I suppose there have been and will continue to be worse days.  Aba danced with your siblings around the counter and I had to really hide the tears in my eyes as I watched Noam hold onto Meena.  I wondered if you had been here if he would have pushed you or if you would have been pushed by aba?  I can sometimes picture you participating as if you are here, not sure if that is better or worse.  It certainly makes pretending I am ok near impossible, but I am pretty smooth at this point at getting passed the moments unnoticed.   The issue though is then in talking to Auntie A thinking I am fine and then being unable to get through the story without the tears.  I went to tell her our across the street neighbors had their 2nd grandchild.  I saw them get out of the car and I could tell with all of the items being taken out there was going to be a newborn baby to follow.  I started to daydream back to the times of Laeya and Tzvi and I was thinking about how we used to be like that, parents of two.  Ziva was over playing with your siblings and they were all running up and down the driveway being silly and laughing.  As I stared my mind said, yes I am sure her looking over here will be like yup, 5 is insane...and then as if I was slapped awake from a dream Ziva ran by me with one of her infectious smiles and red cheeks from running down the driveway and I realized "oh, wait".  That pretty much sucked the life out of me.   So many moments like that have been occurring lately.  Apparently, aba has felt a bit similar.  Maybe it is just how this goes?  We are halfway through October and despite knowing the cemetery will call me when your monument arrives I hold my breath every time I drive up to you.  I am half-filled with excitement over potentially seeing it and relief when I see that it isn't up.  Aba and I want to do something "biggish" for the unveiling, COVID19 style that is. I am thinking of a zoom debut?  I also have started to think about what we will do to honor your one year anniversary.  The time seems to be sneaking by so quickly, I feel now would be a good time to start really figuring out what we want to do.  I wonder what things will be like in spring regarding Corona.  That will certainly play a role. I miss you beyond words!  We love and miss you so so much! Love always, Ema http://dlvr.it/RjX7Bl
http://dlvr.it/RjXZTJ