Another double digit day

Dear Sonzee, 

It is 5:55am and I can't shake the thoughts in my head, so here I am writing you a letter to see if it helps. Yesterday was Shaina's funeral and my heart is just so heavy from it all. I feel like I have been transported back in time to 2020. It sucks. I feel all the feels and I know I look it as well because last night at gymnastics I was asked if I was okay. Telling someone I went to another child's funeral had them understand in a second. It sucks. 

Today, your big sister is 10. An entire decade we have gotten to share with her spunky amazing joyous spirit. She was 6 when you died. She had such a challenge even grasping the concept of death that after Aba went with you to the mortuary, she asked me when you and him would be home. I had to remind her that you had just died and wouldn't be coming home. She gets it now. It sucks. 

Today is the 2nd 10th birthday of one of your siblings we have celebrated without you. The only one you lived to see was on the same day you started to die. I didn't anticipate today to continue me on this whirlwind downward spiral of grief, but here we are. It sucks. 

Today continues the period where you and your siblings' birthdays begin to change to even years. You are the birthday that starts that trend; 5, 8, 10, 11, and 13. The lie behind those ages is that you aren't even 8, it is just what we wish you would be. Today the gap just grows more significant between child #3 and baby #5. I guess it is only fitting that you, baby #4 would impart such a significant gap. I choke when I mention your siblings' ages if I mention just 4 of you. 5, 10, 11, and 13. What happened between 5 and 10? That is a huge gap. You happened...literally, you came and you went. You are no longer present. It sucks. 

The next 10th birthday should have been yours. I know it is going to sneak up on me as quickly as these last 3 years have gone by. It sucks. Today shouldn't be the last 10th birthday I get to celebrate with a daughter of mine, but it is, and, it sucks. 

Please come and have donuts with Meena and her class and let her know you are still with her. I know she misses you and wishes you were still here.

I love you baby girl!

Until next time.

Love always, 

Ema

PS: This sucks. 

Life and death

Dear Sonzee,

It’s a little after midnight and it’s way past what my typical bedtime has been these last few months. My eyes hurt. It’s a combination of the tears I’ve suppressed, the ones that have managed their way out secretly, and the fact that it is way past my bedtime.

It’s hockey tryout weekend and while I was on a lengthy phone conversation with a mom of one of your brothers teammates, while also texting some others, aba walked in to tell me that a daughter of a family in the chabad community, died. 

While I’m continuing to talk with my friend and text about our current life happenings, hockey…and the drama that occurs with it, another child died. It’s a family in our community…one that probably even attended your funeral (I really didn’t keep tabs). I anticipated it to happen…as usual when a child has a rare diagnosis of any sort, especially cancer. Call me Debbie downer, I like to refer to it as realistic Randi. It’s also the only way I know how to process the death when it (undoubtedly) occurs. It makes the heart break “more tolerable” I suppose? 

My mind is mixed with numbness and intense pain. I’m conflicted. Am I crying over their daughter? You? My current status as a bereaved mom? The fact that someone else in this community will now understand my pain? Is it wrong if the tears are for you? Who are they for? What are they for? Why do children have to die?

I struggle. Do I attend the funeral? I can’t. I should. I want to puke at considering going to the same exact pavilion I sat under for your funeral and seeing another child being buried. But, how can I not show support? How do I support myself? Will it make it better? For who even? Which one of us? No. It won’t for either. We just both now get it. We are both members of this awful, shitty(sorry your siblings hear it all the time anyway) club that NO ONE WANTS TO BE PART OF. I just cant process this. 

Why?

I don’t get why children die. Why one of them was you. Why one of them is another child of someone I know. How does this keep happening??? 

I want to give her a hug while we both cry, because there might be some sort of comfort in that for both of us. But, maybe she doesn’t want a hug? Maybe she doesn’t want to process that there is an after part now that her daughter died. I hardly understand how I am alive still. But I am. She has other children, so she will find a way too. HOW though? How do we find a way? It’s not normal, it doesn’t make sense.

And then. Then life continues. Because, I continued my conversation about hockey and tryouts with a choked voice but I am an expert in covering up the emotions, so not enough that my friend knew I even got horrible news. Life continues because tomorrow your sister will have her girls pool party for her upcoming 10th birthday and your brother will have his last hockey skate of tryouts. That’s what happens. 

People die. Kids die. You died. But life…life some how, in some way, making zero sense of how life and death seamlessly merge together continues to go on…with a new normal…that constantly makes me pause and reflect at how surreal it is to continue living when your child does not. When you did not.

I love you so very much baby girl and miss you that much more!!! Please welcome Shaina with a big embrace and show her all you’ve learned. Keep her comforted if she’s scared or missed her home, and remember to always be safe and have loads of fun while you’re both pain free.

Until next time.

Love always,

Ema 

170 weeks and 1.5 days

Dear Sonzee, 

Almost 2 days ago we hit the 170-week mark. The weeks that end in 0 and 5 make the distance seem so far away, and then I am reminded that is because it is.  Yesterday we went to a Lag B'Omer event at an indoor trampoline/air park. We had no idea it was so close to the house. Aba still loves to attend the Chabad community events; I don't share the same enthusiasm.  As I sat there staring at Tzvi play basketball with boys, he was a baby with my mind pictured them all as babies and went back to that time in my life. There was a part of me for a split second that felt sad we don't have recent pictures of them all because they don't really run in the same circles anymore.  At the same moment as my mind felt this sadness over that fact, I remembered why I wanted to move away, why it is so hard for me to be around everyone from that community. It is simply, or rather less than simple, but factually, you. Being around that world takes me back to life with you. I saw Tzvi playing basketball, your sisters running around, Noam doing his thing, and then saw you sitting to the left in your wheelchair kicking your legs, sucking on your pacifier and I wanted to run far away.

The world we live in now doesn't involve your physical presence, and it also doesn't involve me having to unpicture you either. There is no spot in the kitchen you ever were pushed around by your brother. There is no room that was yours. There is nowhere outside that you sat. There are only the pieces of you that we brought with us and the physical things we have made from what you left behind. While it brings on a different set of emotions, overall, it is easier to not have it the other way around. 

Yesterday your brother played in his first soccer game. It was beyond adorable, and despite the 5 minutes before the game where his coach emphasized and repeated which direction he should run towards and which goal he was supposed to shoot into, he still ran towards the other goal. Then he stopped and was like, oh, wait. He had such fun, and we had fun watching him. Tzvi skipped hockey to come and support him. 

I have finished cutting and sorting the clothing for the last 3 quilts we will be able to make from your outfits. The only item I couldn't bring myself to include was the pink five shirt. I don't know what I will ever be able to do with it, but for now, it will sit in the pile of a couple more leggings of yours. 

Aba and I finally agreed to have a management company take care of Bear Pines. We officially went live last week. I am still unsure how I really feel about it, but at this point in our lives it is the best thing to do. 

I miss you lots! Hope you are having fun and being safe!

Love always, 

Ema

167 weeks, 168 weeks, and 169 weeks

Dear Sonzee, 

Every Sunday/Monday for the last 3 weeks I have wanted to write you a letter. Every time the day passes by I tell myself on Tuesday-Thursday to find the time. By Friday I tell myself that I will just write to you the following week....then like the one before, that too seems to come and go. So, today, on the first day of the 4th Month of May you will not be part of, I am forcing myself to write.  It also happens to be that it is my first Monday in 11 weeks that I haven't been in a class on Monday night, and that Noam's soccer practice was canceled due to the insane wind that was present today. Maybe that was you yelling at me to remember you. I promise I haven't forgotten about you.

These last 3 weeks have been filled with your siblings in after-school activities and me working every day of the week. I switched to working officially Full time, so I now work Friday as well, I am able to do my work for the day at home if I want, so that is extremely helpful. We have received 2 more "Sonzee blankets", so now Tzvi is the only one remaining to have one made. It brings me happiness with a tinge of sadness when I see your siblings snuggled with their Sonzee bears and blankets. I am so happy that they use them and love them, I am sad that they are the placeholders for what should be a sleepover with you. 

The last 3 weeks I have found myself telling people that I have 5 children and even mentioning that you are no longer alive. A few times I might have left that little fact out of the story and enjoyed the persons' flabbergasted responses wondering how I do it all. If I really think about it and give the grief component the credit it deserves, it is far more challenging to parent 4 alive children and grieve the 5th. I am not ready to really accept that reality though, it would mean I would have to admit how much of the grieving part I choose to push to the side. It is far easier to do that. 

Noam started his first soccer practice last week for a team. He was all excited to get cleats and shin guards. He picked out blue socks and blue laces for his shoes. Aba seems to be embracing the potential of a son of his not playing travel hockey. Maybe embracing is a bit of a stretch, rather I should say he is in the stage of acceptance. I haven't purchased any "soccer mom" paraphernalia just yet, so he is safe for a bit. 

Tzvi has 16 more days until tryouts for next season, his last as a peewee, his last not checking. I am unsure how my brain and heart are going to handle that future, but for now, I will just focus on his last season of being young. He has been attending some skills sessions and we even forced him to take a full week off. He survived. 

Meena has been getting into the grove of being in level 3. She was a bit disappointed because she really wanted to be in level 4 for her first competition season. The truth is, she has all of the skills, but all of the elders felt it was in her best interest to start out with the potential to medal as much as possible to build her self-confidence to start. After her official placement, she went through a mental block and needed a bit of a mental reset, she seems to be rebounding nicely. I am really excited to watch her next year, she is so beautiful to watch!

Laeya has been giving us a fun entry into parenting a teenager. She is keeping us on our toes and we are trying to balance out being fun, and strict while allowing her some new independence in some areas. It is of course confusing to know if we are doing anything right. We probably aren't, but what would she talk to a therapist about as an adult if we did. 

What have you been up to? Did you come to visit Laeya and me in Florida this past weekend? I noticed it was extra windy. We bought you a red/yellow seashell that says Clearwater. Aba attended a funeral today and I meant to ask him to bring it to you, but forgot. A student of mine from FBC went to heaven Friday. Were you there to greet him? Have you and all of your FBC friends welcomed him with open arms? I asked myself today if you all attend classes together wherever you may be. Sadly, we know there are more than enough of you now for that. Do you see Coach Ed at all? Do you still love to swim? What new things have you tried or been up to? 

2 days from now we will complete another month without you here. The days, weeks, and months keep speeding by. I wish I could see you in my dreams, any idea when I might be ready? I could use a glimpse into your world.

I love you and miss you, baby girl!

I will do better with my letters. 

Until next time.

Love always, 

Ema 

166 weeks

Dear Sonzee, 

Hi babygirl, how are you doing?  Last week ended with a big knot in my stomach that actually started to untie itself after we decided we were going to visit you yesterday. We sat for a bit by you, Meena wondered how I could sit on the black granite because it was so hot, but I am used to it from the past few years, and I know it can get much much hotter. Noam, Meena, and I painted you Passover rocks. For some reason, Laeya nor Tzvi were wanting to get out of the car, but I am sure they spoke to you from where they were. 

Last week started Passover, our 4th without you here. It sometimes still confuses me that it has been so long already since you have been gone, yet how at times it really does feel like it just happened. I wonder if that will ever change? I wonder if I would ever want it to? 

We had such a wonderful set of first days despite it being a 3-day yom tov. I honestly have never enjoyed one so much. We ate out during the day meals and Shabbas night but ate the Sedarim at home with both nights full to the brim with people. The kids swam with friends and there is a family from VV here renting the house around the corner and we have been having a blast getting to know them better. One of their daughter's is a cat whisperer and all 3 love her and all the love they get when she is around. Your siblings have been enjoying their spring break with them here. I have been reading a book series and because of the resilient parenting class I am part have, have been making an emphasis on taking care of myself and it has been great for everyone. I am so happy to be part of the program. 

We went indoor skydiving yesterday. I am torn on if you would have loved the wind in your face or would have hated it. I sometimes wish I knew about it prior to your death to have given it a shot, because I really don't know if you would have liked it or not. 

I am looking forward to the last days starting tomorrow night, especially since I am feeling so much better since having visited you. I have to make sure I have a yummy-smelling candle for you to light and to prepare myself for Yizkor. 

I have to run. I miss you.

Until next time.

Love always,

Ema