Sunday, January 29, 2023

8 Shvat

Dear Sonzee, 

Aba just came home from leading minyan at shul, and I just lit your candle(s). I bought one yummy one that smells of mango because I am just not a fan of apple burning and that is what every red candle is. About a month ago HopeKids had an event for bereaved mothers where I made a candle for you, it smells of wine and I cannot remember what else. I intended to pick it up before today, but that didn't happen. They haven't even called to remind me, so I can guess someone warned them that bereaved moms avoid a lot of things. So today I walked to CVS, smelled all the candles, and picked the one that made me feel the happiest.  Then after I got home and saw the 2 yahrtzeit candle holders sitting empty I had a mild panic attack and proceeded to Instacart 4 more candles. They arrived in perfect time and so now 3 candles and 2 battery small candles are flickering by the picture window in the kitchen with pictures of you.

These double anniversary dates suck the air out of my entire body, and the ability to hold back tears becomes a daunting task to manage over a 5 day period. My ability to care about anything is close to non-existent and I want to take people by the shoulders when they focus on the benign minuscule dumb things they consider important and tell them they clearly need something major to happen in their lives if they think XY&Z is that important.  I pray for all of the hockey teams we play Friday, I am not sure coffee and lollipops are going to keep me in check should someone actually say something dumb about 11-year-olds playing hockey and commenting on the refereeing...PERSPECTIVE is what I want to shout!

Today marks 3 years on the Hebrew calendar. 3 years ago on this Hebrew date, you decided it was the day for you to go to Gan Eden. I remember I chuckled when I saw how it was also my Hebrew birthday, you would be sassy like that. I am just thankful that you didn't choose Laeya's, that was my fear the entire time you were in Hospice care. Maybe it was your way of bringing this birthday onto my mind since I never focused on it all that much? I have now known when it has fallen for the last 3 years, so kudos to you, but other than that, it is really just your day.

What have you been up to for the last 3 years? Do you focus on this date more than the English one? Do you celebrate with a joyous celebration? Do you ignore this date altogether? I wish I knew. I wish I had some insight. It is hard to believe I haven't been part of your day-to-day life for the last 3 years. I would ask how that can even make sense, but I know the answer, it doesn't. A mother shouldn't be without her child for any amount of time. A mother should know what is going on, especially since you are only 7. 

In case you are wondering, my heart is still just as broken since you left. Actually, that is not entirely true, it is more broken now that I fully understand that it won't ever heal itself. The years will continue to go by, but my heart and really the ability to fully live life left with you 3 years ago. I hope you are flying free and living it up wherever you are! I hope you are at peace and free of pain and all the suffering you had to endure here. I hope you know you are thought about every second of every day and that you are still forever loved here. I hope you know just how much you are missed!

Anyway, my love, I miss you and love you! Please come and visit!

Until next time.

Love always, 

The Mighty Contributor

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