Tuesday, January 17, 2023

January 17, 2020

 January 17, 2020....

The 17th was the night Sonzee felt hot... It was Shabbat and I didn’t want to know what her temperature was... I figured we could ignore it... if we knew with her central line that it was above 100.4 then there would be the guilt that “we had” to go to the hospital... but we also knew we weren’t going to do any extreme interventions....we also had history on our side of her not actually being septic with her central line and we knew she had been potentially exposed to the flu at school so the hospital wouldn’t have done anything except tons of tests to confirm or deny that theory....  

We went with the preliminary diagnosis of the flu ourselves... except we would figure out within 48 hours no other flu like symptoms would ever present.....

January 17, 2021-2023

I should’ve known things were really off... but then again, I did. I had known for months. It was why I kept taking pictures and videos - to “prove” to someone, anyone, that she wasn’t herself.  

Again, what good would it have done to have someone agree with me? They would have suggested taking her to the hospital... I had already decided NO... Sam was not exactly on board but we always agreed on our hardline and we knew in certain situations it would come to crossing that line, so it was best to avoid that hard line if we knew it was on the horizon. So the official beginning of her end was on our doorsteps.

The next 17 days would be the worst days of our lives. I sometimes wonder how our marriage survived her life and her death and especially those 17 days…I sometimes wonder that about myself as well. I would spend the next week fiercely advocating on her behalf like I had her entire life, but in a completely different manner…it’s something I am proud of myself over to this day. I have zero regrets, and in the end, anyone who “doubted” me then, has praised me since…but the most important thing is that we honored her wishes, we did what was best for her, and I know deep down in my soul, we did exactly what she wanted.

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