January 2, 2020: Day 2 of 365 days of acknowledging my grief

January 2, 2020:

This was the last January 2 she ever lived. Here she was sleeping. As she had been doing so much more during her last 6 months. Another picture that was taken for "evidence". As if all of the mounting evidence did anything different. Over the years all they do is confirm the gut feeling I had, at the time, they offered me little support 

13 days from this picture her palliative care doctor (whom we loved) would sit in a room with a social worker, our beloved nurse Paige and both Sam and I, and tell us that she would switch Sonzee's status to hospice BUT she didn't think that she was going to be on deaths doorstep within the next 6 months. I left feeling mentally/emotionally defeated because my gut was convinced during her entire life she wasn't living to turn five but decided I would give in and order the (damn) pink birthday shirt with the purple glitter 5.

15 days from this picture the shirt would be placed on my desk.

16 days from this picture she would spike a fever on her biggest sister's 10th birthday. 

18 days from this picture I would question if her fever was actually due to a virus or cold.

19 days from this picture we ruled out the flu and my brain flipped a switch and I realized she was actively dying. 

22 days from this picture she would be admitted to hospice. 

24 days from this picture I'd have nurse Paige put the stupid "5" shirt on her for a makeshift birthday celebration that I had been convinced to throw for her because deep down everyone knew she wasn't making it to her actual birthday. 

31 days from this picture she would breathe her last breath. 

And I wish you, were here
So far away from where you are
These miles have torn us worlds apart
And I miss you
Yeah, I miss you
And I wish you, were here