Tuesday, January 3, 2023

January 3, 2019: Day 3 of 365 days of acknowledging my grief

Today I spent the day at my sister's apartment helping her organize it. My philosophy was that you cannot manage your life if your house isn't organized. Maybe that is what I tell myself to attempt some sort of control over life. I should really grasp the reality of me having no control at this point in my life, but alas, it doesn't change my attempts at it. My brain clearly forgets that despite my organizational skills I had zero control over evading Sonzee's death. I guess I at least get an A for the attempt.

While I was organizing she had music playing and this one song came on that I had never heard and the words called out to me. The second time it came on I mentioned something to her and she asked if I wanted it to be turned off, I said no. I knew immediately it was going to be added to my "Sonzee blogging" playlist.   

January 3, 2019: A peacefully sleeping Sonzee. I wonder if I counted all of my pictures how many of them are from when she was asleep compared to her being awake. I wonder if this was just a peaceful Sonze sleep or if she was post-ictal entering a deep sleep until she would be woken by another vicious seizure. I know I could go back in time and find a Facebook post to pair with the picture, but I am not sure I would want to know. Sometimes it is better on this journey to just look at the picture and focus on nothing but her. Just focus on how I loved to take pictures of her asleep, she was always so peaceful. I hope wherever she is, she is forever resting in this manner. It would be too painful to consider an alternative.

Since you've been gone I've had to find
Different ways to grieve
There's days that I don't even want it on my mind

But tonight I'm weak 

So, I'm gonna pull out pictures, ones with you in 'em
Laugh and cry a little while reminiscing
By myself
I can't help
That all I think about is
How you were taken way too soon
It ain't the same here without you
I gotta say, missing you comes in waves
And tonight I'm drowning

The Mighty Contributor

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