153 weeks

Dear Sonzee, 

Today marks 153 weeks. In three more weeks, it will mark 3 full years of Mondays (and will be your Hebrew deathaversary) since you left my arms. I cannot figure out if this year is more manageable than last year, or the year before. The jury is still out because grief has been different each of the years, but more of that in 3 weeks.

This last week I have been making sure to sit with my grief a bit each day and write about my feelings. I have completed 9 days out of my lofty goal of 365. Truthfully, there is so much I could say and the emotions vary from second to second. I don't know my exact purpose, but I hope it gives others a little insight into grief. I hope it helps other grievers to take a moment and honor their grief as well. For me, I don't know what I expect for it to do, but maybe acknowledging my grief will remove my constant desire to hide it from others because I don't want them to see how difficult it is, or because deep down I am afraid of where the acknowledgment will take me. Who knows, maybe after acknowledging my feelings about your death, I will be ready for you to visit me!?

This last week Meena had her first week of being on the Team. The adjustment for this competitive gymnastics/hockey life has been real let me tell you. Her official schedule is 4 hours MWF, because of Shabbat we sent her to right before candle lighting. It was rough in the Zaila house last week that is for sure. Between your brother's late hockey nights and her gymnastics, it is a bit insane. So far tonight things are turning out better, no tears, but none of your big siblings are asleep and it is 10:30pm). The little man was sent to bubbies so he has been asleep for over 3 hours and at least he gets to go to sleep at a normal bedtime one time a week. 

Anyway baby girl. I miss you a lot. I love you more. I wish I could see what you are up to.

Until next time.

Love always, 

Ema

We head to California in 3 days for the hockey tournament, hope you come to visit.