Dear Sonzee,
3 years ago today was Shabbat. You had spiked a fever and aba and I spent the day doing what we did quite often when it came to your care during that period, arguing over the plan. The initial plan we followed when you first got your central line and ran a fever over 100.4 was a fast (4 min 21 seconds) ride to PCH ED. The secondary developed plan initiated by myself was no more hospitals. It wasn't a decision that was implemented lightly and while it was something that aba was not fully on board with, when you didn't need to go to the ED, he didn't argue the plan. But then January 18, 2020, happened.
The night before when you spiked your fever I casually ignored it. I figured aba wouldn't notice anyway, he isn't the one who usually identifies fevers until I mention something and then he attacks with the thermometer. I personally never need one. When he said you were hot I said it didn't matter because I was not taking you to the hospital. There were multiple reasons for that, the first being that deep down I knew you weren't sick. The second reason was that I knew if I took you to the hospital they were going to do numerous tests, cause you discomfort, make you upset, and possibly kill you (or speed it up knowing what we know now). The third was because it was your sister's 10th birthday and due to the above I wasn't going to miss her special day.
When you woke up with a fever Saturday the argument continued, except the one thing that aba always did was say that he felt should be done, but he wasn't the one who was going to be taking you. If he really wanted you to go, he would have taken you on Shabbat, but since he wasn't doing that, deep down I knew I could stand my ground. So standing my ground I did, but it would get more difficult the more signs you began to show that something was definitely not right.
That night we kept you away from her surprise sleepover party just in case you had something contagious. We had told all of her friends that you had a fever in case their parents didn't want them to be exposed. Tonight I wouldn't share any of the pictures I took of you because I knew if it were me I wouldn't want those pictures posted.
While I do believe that you were thankful for my choices on your behalf, there are random moments where I doubt myself and think about "what if". I remind myself your poor little body was exhausted and you were just a shell of the little girl you had been. My only goal for your life was for you to not suffer...I hope you have finally found your peace.
Until next time.
Love always,
Ema
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