Three years ago today was the last time you physically entered into a new month. Every year since when we finish January and enter into February on top of reliving those days as if they are now, I am reminded of January being the last full month you lived and February being the last partial month you lived. You would think those facts would get easier to stomach with the distance in time. They don't. But, thankfully for the other 10 months of the year, the fact hides away in the recesses of my mind. March is also a finicky month because it was the first full month we lived through without you. As aba said to me this week, so "January is hard for you, and so is February, and then March, April, May...is any month a good month?" The short answer is no. My question back to him was "How are they so easy for you?!" I wish I could say on the brink of your English deathaversary that your father and I see eye to eye on a part of your journey, but that wouldn't be the truth. Our grief journeys parallel your life journey...I suppose it is okay, our differences sometimes complement one another?!
Since the 8 of Shvat pretty much everyone I am close with has been so amazing. Sunday night the doorbell rang and someone brought over a beautiful bouquet of pink roses. Aba also brought me a Sonzee-esque bouquet Sunday. Ironic that I used to hate flowers, and now they bring me some comfort. East Valley wrote me notes and I had beautiful sunflowers sitting on my desk when I got in to work from being at your grave. Morah Zupnick gave me a beautiful bracelet that has everyone's favorite picture of you in it when you hold it up and look inside. It is the picture we blew up and had at your funeral. The one that is by your Rifton chair in your kitchen corner. It is also the one Kole's mom got etched into the silver necklace I wear every day. The Howard's sent me cheesecake. So many texts and calls and messages of love. It doesn't remove any pain, but it helps to know I am not alone.
I am a month into this whole #grief365challenge. Some days I post pictures from 2020 and sometimes I just can't. These next two days I relive the regret of not having any more pictures taken of you. The regret that will haunt me for the rest of my life. The only "I wish I had" I have on my list when it comes to your death. No regrets except no pictures and not letting Tzvi sleep in your bed with you one last time. I know I can't change the past. I can't fix those regrets. Not focusing on it doesn't change the reality, I know this, but. I suppose for the complex life you lived and all of the choices we had to make, to only have these as my regrets is a plus. For that I am thankful, but it doesn't change the ache I have to see myself holding you or giving you your last kiss, or one day maybe being able to share what images remain only in my mind. I will thank g-d for them still being so clear to this day.
Tomorrow Tzvi and I head to Vegas for his hockey tournament. I hope you come to visit, maybe help them out a bit, but really come to say "hi", especially Friday. Maybe another obvious visit like Monday? I would try not to be greedy, but since you gave a mouse a cookie. At the very least I would settle for strength not to be on edge and to be at peace Friday. Maybe you can share that bear strength of yours for the next few days!?
Anyway, little bear. I love you beyond words. I miss you even more. I appreciate every apparent and non-apparent sign you have sent my way over the last almost 3 years...please don't ever stop.
Until next time.