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Sunday, May 3, 2020
A quarter of a year
Today marked one quarter of a year without you here. In the long run, it will seem so significantly short, but today, it feels like it has been 30 years. The ability for your world to fall apart or burst with amazingness occurred in such short increments of time I wonder so much where you would be right now had you been here, living with us over these last 90 days. I have been wondering so much if you are changing wherever you are, but I will save that for another post on another day, today, I just want to let you know about what you've been missing here.
Laeya made your glow rock this month. I hope you see it tonight when you look down on your grave. Meena painted two seashells she has been saving for you for the last couple of months that we hadn't brought to you until today. You have gained at least 15 rocks over the last month, all of them are perfect for you and have brought smiles and tears to my eyes. Aba and I have almost decided on what we are hoping to have on your headstone. As soon as we submit it all we will be told how much of it is a possibility. I am so nervous that they will tell me something cannot be done and no matter how much I am trying to prepare for that possibility, I know I will have to grieve that as well.
We have been doing some family grief projects this month which appears to be helpful because everyone is becoming a bit more vocal about their feelings. It's either that or was just going to happen at this point regardless. Your sisters have been dressing Noam up in their pink shirts and slippers every night after their "shower/towel" and marching around the house. It is really adorable, but your poor little brother. We assume it will eventually sort itself out when he decides he has had enough of it, but Aba made a comment the other day about why they were doing it and Laeya replied: "we couldn't ever do it with Sonzee". He has adopted some of your blankets as well, including your "bubbie blanket" and when I go check on him to give him one more kiss before I go to sleep it makes me stop an extra second because he looks so similar to you.
Corrinne spent a week in the hospital due to a line infection and ema was so worried for her. It also evoked so many unexpected emotions within me. Those are the hospitalizations I miss the least. Those are the moments of fear that I am so thankful are over. That is the experience I don't miss, but at the same time, those are the emotions that represented our entire life with you. They offer some weird sort of comfort that we have now forever lost. There was always some sense of comfort being on the 8th floor of PCH, some nostalgic familiarity that means we were trying to fix something for you or save you. I didn't know how to feel and honestly still don't. I am realizing there is always going to be a part of me that just can't let that part of our life with you go, and I am thankful your friends' parents allow me to remain part of it knowing I still get it.
I am unsure if you have been by the house but there is a new memorial garden flag out front along with a hummingbird wind chime. I am having a "Welcome" wooden sign custom made with a red hummingbird in place of the "O" to place across from the front door. I am really excited, I just hope when I see you again you don't tell me how much you dislike hummingbirds. The netting on the front gazebo porch swing was finally replaced from all of the holes. I think about you every time I sit it in when we are out front, which has been practically every day, despite the heat.
It is getting hotter than imaginable here, but everyone at the cemetery has been amazing putting a chair under the tree near you so I can grab it to put on the sidewalk in front of you, and they bring me bottled water. My huge peasant hat arrived last week so along with the SPF 30 on my face and body it is at least bearable on the hottest days for around 20 minutes. I wish I could stay longer, and on overcast days, I certainly do, but it is just so intense. I am going to ask them this week if it would be at all possible to plant a tree right by you, it can't hurt and the worst they say is "no" and then I am in the same position I am currently.
Today the Friendship Circle had their virtual fashion show and they paid tribute to you by showing your walk down the runway from last year with Emma. You were so hyper that day, but you appeared to have such a blast with the "Fancy" song that aba chose for you. It was such a perfect fit, you totally rocked it, and watching it again tonight made aba and I get emotional. On that same note, Miss. Jaime called last week to ask about your involvement in graduation. Initially, aba and I weren't sure what to do because you didn't actually get to finish your last semester to officially "graduate", but you are so much of the FBC family it only seems appropriate and fair to you and the FBC staff to honor you in some way. These types of milestones and events are just really challenging, but thankfully in a sense, we are on corona restrictions because the blow is lessened not having to attend these events in person.
Plans for summer are still up in the air, except we did cancel going to Israel. To be honest, I was really having a difficult time with that trip all year, including before you passed, so it is a huge relief to me that it is off the table for this year. NY and PA camps have yet to make their official statements, so we are hanging tight. I am a mixed bag of emotions over it, where I partially want to stay in lockdown forever, but the selfish me so needs to see my NY framily, especially this summer, so I am still holding out hope on June 1 that some sort of modified option will be presented that will make TH 49 a reality. I don't care if I sit on the porch in upstate and talk through screen doors, I just want the VV atmosphere.
Anyway, I think I rambled enough for today. Just know wherever you are I wish so much that you were still here, but I know in my heart you are at a level of peace I just cannot compete with. I miss you beyond words. As always be sure to stay safe.