Monday, May 18, 2020

105 Days

Dear Sonzee,

Today will complete 105 days since you were here.  I simultaneously wonder how has it been so long and why does it still feel like it all happened yesterday?  The conversations with those around you are etched into my mind.  The decisions we had to make and the emotions we felt are so deep in my mind I could provide a detailed script.  Aba mentioned to me when he thinks about your final time in hospice (which for him has been about one to two times a week) he says it is like reliving a nightmare, it is fascinating to me how we both interpret everything vastly different.  For me, I think about it at least once or twice a day and I just replay it back in my mind as it played out, almost as an outsider, just numb,  I often wonder if that is because during that time I distinctly remember telling him and myself that I wasn't going to spend the time in any other state but the present. After all, I would have the rest of my life to feel everything else, which has turned out to be an accurate truth.

We went up to Flagstaff this weekend.  We visited you at Mt. Sinai on the way there and again on the way back.  I have an inkling you might have come with us as well, but there is a reason you aren't coming to me directly, you know I am still not quite ready to accept things, and so I appreciate you giving me time.  I don't know what to make of the fact that I need you to tell me you are okay but then when something happens that seems like you are doing just that I can't allow myself to believe it is actually coming from you.  I am sorry, I am still trying to balance believing in the possibilities and not feeling like I have completely gone crazy.  Laeya brought her Sonzee bear and she and Meena brought you with them all around the house to play.  They dressed you up during the day with their shirts and hair accessories and at night let you sleep in just the PJs you as the bear are wearing.

Tomorrow I get the initial verdict on what the monument company can put on your stone and what needs to be tweaked.  I am trying to go in open-minded about what they might end up suggesting and changing, but I just hope the main idea is still what we proposed.  I am sure however it turns out it is going to be perfect for you, mainly because I won't let it be any other way.

Restrictions have been lifted here in Phoenix from the coronavirus, but I am still unsure where I stand with it all.  We don't have you to officially protect anymore, but I am still set in my ways, and despite the sayings of "worst-case" being rare, you introduced us to that type of world, and honestly, I don't think I will ever fully be able to recover.  Rare isn't so rare, and I just cannot act like statistics all of a sudden mean anything other than a number that actually does happen.  I am happy for everyone else who can just move back on with their life, but I am just not there yet, for so many reasons.  Aba, as usual, has a completely different view of it all and he is begging for me to give him the "okay" to go to his hockey league and to allow Tzviki back to whatever "pick-up" ice times are being offered, but for now, we are still laying low.

The plants in your garden have survived a week. I know, it is crazy!  There was a questionable moment 3 days in, so I called the nursery and we held back on some water and since then everyone seems to be looking beautiful.  Laeya has named hers Shirley and Noam's is named Minion.  I think yours is just your name and I cannot remember if everyone else's has a name.  Everyone loves to come outside and water their specific plant, but I try to do it when they are otherwise occupied so it is just my time.  I drained the bulk of your spa last week and cleaned out the inside top to bottom.  I am going to finish draining the rest of the bottom with the handheld this week, replace the filters, and then get everything all backup and running hopefully for this weekend.  Auntie A made you a new sign, one that hopefully won't get destroyed in the rain this time, and it is already up on the side of your steps.  I was going to put it on the spa itself but decided with your crazy siblings being so crazy in the water, it would be best next to Mayzie's pinwheel out of the splash zone.

On Thursday morning you are supposed to be graduating from preschool.  I made you a rock to take to you after the virtual ceremony, but it is going to be tough.  I honestly didn't ever allow myself to envision you in a cap and gown, but at the start of this school year, I was getting very excited over how the day would unfold.  None of your siblings went to a school that celebrated preschool graduation in a big way and I was so excited for you to be the first.  I am really thankful the ceremony will not be in person, but I am also really thankful that you are going to be remembered and honored along with your graduating peers.

I really miss our cuddle time these days and look forward to a day they can occur again.  For now, just know I love you and think about you every second of the day.

Love always,

The Mighty Contributor

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