I am not quite sure why saying "goodbye" to May has me dealing with all sorts of emotions. I wish I could pinpoint the exact reason why moving into June, just another new month without her, has me dealing with so many tears. I wonder if it is because our fate for summer is still up in the air and normally our plans by now have been solidified for months. I wonder if it is because deep down I have a sneaking suspicion that this summer is going to be the on the opposite end of anything I could have anticipated at the closure of last years.
I keep waiting for the day this all becomes easier to manage, where the decisions of life don't feel like they weigh 1000 or more pounds. I keep waiting for the waves that are crashing around me to not come up quite as high. Supposedly that eventually happens. I guess it is still too soon for that. I keep waiting for the pain to lessen, for the hole in my heart to fill up with something that maybe, just slightly, makes it feel a little more whole. I wonder if that will ever really happen.
In a few more hours the month of May will be another 31 days marked as complete for the year of 2020, and another 31 days that were spent without me being an active special needs mom. It was just another 31 days that Sonzee never got to participate in here on earth, and another month she didn't get to make any memories with her siblings. May was just another 31 days that were spent celebrating various unmet milestones, some that were known and others that we don't even know what was actually missed. I wish it was as simple as wishing good riddance to something unwanted, but for some reason saying goodbye to May feels like saying goodbye to Sonzee all over again.