Sunday, May 10, 2020

Mother's Day Without You

Dear Sonzee,

Today marks my first Mother's Day without you.  I won't pretend today is going to be easy, that would be impossible, no matter how many preparations I have tried to take to make it so.  I don't know why I even bothered to tell myself there might be a chance that I could pretend it was like the other Mother's days' I got to spend with you and your siblings.  While I was fortunate to spend five of them with you, really it should have been my entire lifetime, and instead, I had to settle for only five.  Being that today will start a new way of honoring this day I decided to take a look back at every Mother's Day since you became part of the reason for my day.

May 10, 2015, you were a day shy of turning 3 months old and we started the day with you going to swim.  Poppop was visiting for the weekend because of your sisters' dance recital, so he came and took you into the pool.  Savta was here too and there is a cute picture of you being held by her.  We then watched your older sisters' dance in their recital.  Meena had to be coerced onto the stage and then she stood there with her hands in her mouth like a deer in headlights.

May 8, 2016, you were at the beginning of what turned into a 28-day hospitalization.  It was the first time I celebrated Mother's Day in the hospital, we all made the most of it.  Restrictions were lifted at the time so your siblings came up to the room and we even got to walk you around in a wagon.  The room was decorated with all of the cards and gifts you and your siblings helped to make. 

May 14, 2017, we spent the day over at Auntie A's and went into the pool.  My main regret from all of this year is I cannot seem to locate a picture of you at all, and there is also not one of all of us on my google drive.  I will have to ask Auntie A and aba if they might have one.

May 13, 2018, we watched your brother play ice hockey and then met up with Auntie A and family at As You Wish Pottery. This was the year we started the tradition of going to make pottery.  Sadly that seemed to only last us two years because I cannot bring myself to do that again without you with us.

Our last Mother's Day together was last year, May 12, 2019.  It is probably going to remain my most favorite.  You gave me a coupon for "one-night seizure-free", and we took a couple of selfies together. You came to PHA to help me set up for the spring bookfair (you were always such a good sport about being dragged to do that twice a year).  We went to Auntie A's again for swimming and Uncle Mathias' world-famous (well not really) smoked brisket after going to do pottery.  You even tried the brisket because you were in such a great place with your feeds.   

I am so thankful that if we have to be separated for the rest of my life on a day that became a day for me with your assistance that we ended on such an amazing note.  Thank you for 5 incredible mother's days.  For this year, May 10, 2020, 5 years from the very first mother's day we shared together, we will be doing something entirely different, but completely inspired by you.  Aba picked up red and yellow plants for us all to plant today in your new garden.  I cannot make any promises on how this is going to turn out because like you know, plants are not my thing, but these are supposedly easy after some initial TLC and they are all hummingbird/butterfly specific plants.  I hope you'll come to take a look to give your approval.

Thank you for everything you taught me to help me on my motherhood journey.  While there are two titles I now have the honor of having that every mom who wears would rather not, I thank you for making me a special needs mom and a bereaved mom, because for some reason my purpose in life requires those badges and you were the one who brought them into my life.  They are hands down the most difficult titles I will ever have to live with, but without them would mean I didn't have you, and I would rather have had only 5 mother's days, and 4 years 11 months and 23 days with you than a life without you ever being part of it. So, thank you for giving me the gift of being a mom for the 4th time, specifically for being your mom, and for lending me some of your epic Sonzee bear strength, because today, I am going to really need it.

With love, always and forever,

The Mighty Contributor

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