Final episode.

A few weeks ago I started to binge-watch Schitt's Creek.  It was a little slow going, but someone said to stick with it, so that is what I have done.  I have always been selective of the shows I get attached to after my teenage obsession with Dawson's Creek.  The ending of that show while absolutely perfect, left me depressed for ages because that meant the ritual of sitting on the couch, phone in hand waiting to discuss each episode with my friends after each episode had ended.  It has been selective binging ever since.  Since Netflix only has to season 5, that required Sam to get me the final season elsewhere, which he did, last night, and shortly after today I realized there were only three episodes left and the tears filled my eyes.

Let's be honest, it wasn't about the show on the verge of ending that had my emotions on overdrive.  It honestly has practically nothing to do with the show itself.  Sure it has been some great comical relief at night after the kids are in bed as well as it provided hours of occupied but non-think provoking time, but that isn't the reason either.  While I can give some credit to finishing off the night of an as good as could be expected first mother's day without Sonzee, the real credit goes to the fact that the reality is everything eventually comes to an end.  No matter how much you attempt to prepare, no matter how much you know the end is coming, there is nothing you can do to change its course.

Only three episodes are remaining, that means only an hour, maybe more if I have to press pause; but the end is near and in sight.  The tears came out of nowhere.  It sounds so trivial, and maybe even ridiculous to compare the ending of a 6 season show to the final 11 days Sonzee spent in hospice (it feels even more absurd that I can't stop crying over the comparison).  It just flipped a switch within me.  There is no other option but to watch these last three episodes.  I can push off when I watch them to tomorrow night, and maybe even watch only one a night for the next three days, but eventually the show will be over.  There is no way to change the fact that it is coming to an end.  I am sure I will over-analyze the final script and character directions for days to come.  After all, I am not the one who wrote the ending, I will just be the one who has to watch it all play out however the writer sees fit.

That is one reality of the harshness of grieving the loss of your medically complex child.  No matter that we knew her final episode was going to occur during our lifetime, no matter that we had some notification that the ending was becoming closer.  No matter how many warnings you are given, there is still no possible way to actually prepare for when it's the end.  There were only so many nights we could push off her series finally and then eventually we had to press play and watch her final credits roll.