Before I go into my room for the night I occasionally do a quick scroll through my Facebook newsfeed one last time. I have found since Sonzee has passed I have a sort of love and hate relationship with it in general. I love to be connected, I love to see what's new with my friends and their families, but even though I have muted a significant amount, there is still a lot that brings the lumps into my throat and tears into my eyes. This week there happens to be the added weight of the anticipation of Mother's Day, and all the posts of crafts and projects already being made. I know my kids are hard at work on theirs for me (they make me close my eyes when they go to show Sam), but this will be the first of many mother's days that will be spent without one of the reasons I will be celebrated.
Every year for mother's day on the actual day we do a craft that involves all the kids. They will typically do a small individual craft or card in advance, but my favorite thing that we started with my oldest is the group project that is completed on Mother's Day together. We have done frames, shadowboxes, canvases, and a lot of pottery. In the last few weeks, I have been trying to anticipate how I might feel on Sunday, but the reality is that I just won't know until it comes. I initially felt like it wouldn't bother me, after all, I miss her every day as it is and we always go to see her on Sundays, so it will just be a typical Sunday for the Zaila's. Then I started to wonder how we would incorporate her if we did an arts and crafts project when she isn't here to do her part. She can't pick her paint colors or have her hand held to assist. I have been wreaking my brain wondering how we alter the day to make some sort of accommodation that still honors the day with her siblings but has her included?
I have thought of so many ideas but nothing seems to make sense, and as the day creeps closer I am panicking for its arrival. It doesn't seem to matter that I have other children to celebrate the day with, a significant part of my motherhood is due to such a crucial piece that is absent and won't be here. There is really no way to ignore the reality that my heart won't ever be whole again and there is now an actual day that ironically will most definitely make it feel even worse than usual. There is no way to ignore or sugarcoat the fact that Sunday is going to be horribly, tragically, and painfully difficult, but yet amazingly beautiful all mixed together. A day that will wrap up my dreams come true and inescapable nightmare and be delivered to me in a pretty bow for 24 hours to celebrate the reality of what has become mine and so sadly so many other's journeys of motherhood.