Today is 16 weeks, and in 10 days it will be 4 months without you. The past week has been really tough on me. I feel like there has been so much that has changed in the last 4 months and it is finally catching up with me. Maybe it is just I am finally accepting some of it, but then again I am really not doing so well with accepting where I am actually at with it all, so maybe it is just that it is all catching up with me and then some.
In an entirely different life we would have been boarding a plane for uncle's yesterday. Tomorrow we would be going to Israel. I am unsure if we would have been able to fully convince nurse Paige to tag along with us, but I would like to think that she would have ultimately said yes and joined us. You and she would have been flying high style in business class to ensure you had the room you needed, and since she obviously would have been your wing-woman she would have been right next to you. If El-Al would have allowed me to visit I certainly would have, but you would no doubt have been in amazing hands.
I was so nervous about you going on the plane for such a long time and we had already started working behind the scenes on your TPN/Lipid situation. It no doubt would have been a hands to the sky situation and we would have just had to do the best we could. We had planned on staying a month and then going back to uncle's to let Laeya and Tzvi get used to the time zone change before starting sleep away camp in PA 2 days later. You, Noam, Meena, Aba, and I were going to go up to VV right after we dropped them off and get back into our summer groove.
Stepping back into our reality, all of our flights have been canceled, camps aren't sure they are happening and if they do we haven't decided if we are going to send your siblings. We have no idea if we are spending the summer in Arizona or not, and we have made some really insane huge decisions this past week that I am still not fully able to talk about without crying. In my mind it makes no sense because the big picture is really amazing, but right now I have accepted that it has become a lot for me to accept. After all, forget asking me 5 years ago where I saw my life, let's just go to 5 months ago and it would have been an entirely different book of chapters.
On that same note, we celebrated your graduation from preschool last week. FBC did an incredible job honoring you and helping us along with the entire staff get some closure with that period of your life. Fox10 had a segment about your graduation and you were on the news in 2 different pictures. I found myself so excited when I saw you but crying at the same time. I made a slide show tribute for the staff and I have watched it 100 times myself. I will always wonder if Madison would have agreed to send you back for Kindergarten. We had just had your IEP the Monday before you spiking the fever, and by the end of the week Aba and I concluded we would most probably send you to FBC, but we would modify the schedule so you could also attend PHA for part of the day. We would just keep that portion out of the IEP so you would receive all of your services and educational components at FBC, but still get to spend part of your time with your siblings and also be exposed to Judaics. I would have really loved to see that all come together.
Yesterday we finally started refilling your swim spa back up with water. It is as clean as can be and has two new filters. Your siblings will be excited to get back into it, but we are going to make it a little bit cooler than what you would consider ideal so that it doesn't get insane with the high temperatures coming this way (think 107-110). Hopefully, now that it has freshwater it won't be as challenging to keep balanced.
Meena turned 7 on Saturday. It has been so difficult for me to process her being 7, but I think that is because I forget you would be 5. If you were 5 it makes complete sense she would be 7, but in my mind you are forever 4, so it makes her aging a bit difficult for me to acknowledge. I even wrote in her birthday card happy 6th birthday, she didn't even believe me when I told her I didn't reuse the card from last year, but she was confused why I put 2020. Overall her birthday was a success, and I even managed to wear my usual birthday leggings and shirt that I last wore for your advanced 5th birthday celebration and then again on your actual birthday. I gave myself an inner nod for being able to wear it and not cry, acknowledged that I last wore it with you and was able to celebrate the night, so I was proud of myself.
Your absence still feels like such a significant pain and gap in my heart. I find myself sitting alone staring off into space knowing the tears are on the verge of coming and trying to not fight the sadness more often now. It is almost unavoidable, and I guess that's okay, and while it is something I wish wasn't the case, I am also ok with it because if I wasn't then that would mean you didn't even exist, and that would be worse. I still definitely wish things were different on so many levels, but since they aren't, to quote one of my favorite songs "I'll go to bed, dream of you, that's what I am doing these days" (Or at least attempting to do).
I hope you are staying safe and know that we all miss and love you incredibly.