My new least favorite days have become the last one of the current month and the tomorrow that follows. It represents another month that is finishing without Sonzee being here with us and the new one that is beginning without her to ever be part of. Today marks the end of the 2nd full month of 2020 that she was not part of. Tomorrow marks the start of the 3rd month that she never got to see. On Sunday it will mark 3 full months, 90 days, 1/4 of an entire year that she was not here. Just typing the words suck all the air out of my lungs and fills me with an immense amount of suffocating weight.
It seems unfathomable that the world has continued to go on without her presence. It is almost impossible for me to grasp that the laws of life even allow parents to outlive a child, how can such a situation be allowed to occur? How is it that I have woken up every single day since February 4 and she hasn't? How is it that she has been somewhere else being taken care of by someone other than her parents, other than me, for yet again another 30 days?
Today marks the 30th day of April where there were was not one single picture of her taken. Tomorrow will begin another month on the calendar that in the future won't be able to provide any throwbacks during the year 2020. I wish the milestones that occurred after death could be celebratory instead of overshadowed with harsh realities. I wish I could say that the closing out of April taught me something more than the knowledge that it is possible to continue to live without her. I wish I could say that May will teach me something different, but it won't. It will just be another 31 days of survival.