Wishes

I laid in bed on Friday night and turned to see what time it was. 11:12pm, my mind said, "a minute ago was 11:11, make a wish", which immediately took me down an Alice in Wonderland rabbit hole with a million flashes in a matter of seconds. It started with thinking about the types of wishes that happen over a lifetime.  When I was a teenager, it was for a specific boy to like me or to make homecoming court. It would turn into wishing to get into specific colleges or an abundance of trivial things. Then life actually started to happen. My world no longer filled with naive requests, the childhood notion of wishing when all the digits on the clock are the same became filled with actual life or death requests. Right now, a hockey family waiting on results of scans to learn if their son is cancer free so I wish for NED (no evidence of disease), a few years ago I wished that Sonzee would die peacefully, for years before that I would wish that her seizures would stop, and that she would stop suffering, not specifically requesting how that would happen. 

So many of the same digits have and will continue to present themselves across clocks and there are wishes I am no longer able to wish for. I no longer have to wish for the suffering to end.  I no longer have to wish for her pain to stop.  I no longer have to wish for her siblings lives to be more normal.  I no longer have to wish for me to stop living my life torn between life in a hospital and the life occurring without me at home.  I no longer have to wish for her life to be better, for her to receive a cure, for her to have never been born with such a horrible genetic mutation.  My heart literally aches at the full 360 that my innocent clock wishes have taken.  My eyes fill with tears that I had to make all the wishes that I did and that I had to literally wish and pray for a life to end, more than once. But, like my 12-year-old mentioned to me, "there are worse things than dying, you know like suffering, like Sonzee did".