Thursday, October 20, 2022

141 weeks and 3 days

Dear Sonzee, 

Another week and 2 days have passed. Another Monday (Tuesday, Wednesday, and soon Thursday) without you here.  The weeks are going by at the speed of light that is for sure.  This week brought us the last of the main fall holidays.  I went to Yizkor for you.  I lit a red candle for you and as usual, I missed you.  I have rocks I need to bring to you, but this was yet just another week I couldn't bring myself to go to you.  I want to go, but I just can't.  It feels like I am glued in place.  

This week brought us back to Phoenix from a week and a day in Chicago for Tzvi's hockey tournament and fall break. It was a nice vacation (minus your siblings constant bickering). 

These weeks are getting more tough as I anticipate dates to come.  We are within weeks of your brother aging you.  My heart hurts.  I can't bring myself to buy him a shirt or plan his birthday. (I know I will have to eventually plan-but not sure I can buy the 5 shirt). 

Tzvi's hockey teammates brother left for his make a wish trip today.  Seeing him wear the shirt brought me back. Different diagnosis, different experience, similar feelings. So happy he is getting the opportunity, but when your child qualifies for make a wish, there is a reason.  My heart aches for all of the families experiencing the balance of emotions.  Trying to be present in the here and now while scared of the future, and now, us, living this horrible nightmare of what became of our 4-year-old wish kid. 

I read a blog post from a mom who had twins, but one of the twins didn't make it.  Her words resonated with me completely.  The world assumes she is doing amazing because she celebrates the life of her living children, yet she is falling apart inside. I. can. relate. That is my life. My heart wants to explode from the aching. 

Anyway, tonight your sister(s) (shh-its a secret for one) are going to NY for the weekend.  Hope to see you in the sky!

Until next time.

Love always, 

The Mighty Contributor

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