Tuesday, October 11, 2022

139 weeks and 140 weeks and 1 day

Dear Sonzee, 

We have had a crazy two weeks so I figured I would compile it all into one letter to you. Yesterday marked 140 weeks since you left.  140 Monday's.  My mind finds it surreal.  Not just your death, but a lot of the time your life as well.  

Week 138-139 brought us Rosh Hashana.  The 3rd one without you here with us.  My heart doesn't really know how to comprehend all of these milestones.  It also brought a lot of choices for your clothing memory blanket between me and the lady who is quilting it all together.  I am excited and nervous for it to come together.  Shabbat prior to hitting 139 weeks found me curled up on the couch wrapped in the memory blanket someone from Smile on Seniors made for us.  It was the first time I did that.  I caught myself smelling the fabrics to see if maybe they smelled like you.  They didn't.  I feel like I am starting to forget your smells.  Maybe I shouldn't have washed all of your stuff and clothing?

Midway through week 139 brought us Yom Kippur.  Another one without you.  I didn't make it to say yizkor for you at shul. I did light a candle for you. I found myself again snuggled in your clothing blanket, which is becoming a wonderful comfort.  

Wednesday night found us going to a league hockey game for Tzvi. We were ahead the entire game and ended up tying with only 3.7 seconds left on the clock.  It was pretty rough, but at least it was a tie.  Thursday found us on a plane to Chicago for Tzvi's first out of state tournament of the season. 

It was an incredible weekend, filled with amazing laughs and moments and especially a first-place championship finish for the boys!  They deserved it!  They worked so hard and went undefeated the entire weekend. Your brother scored 2 goals in the final game, and I am sure you had something to do with that! (Thank you). 

We raced to close to downtown Chicago for the first days of Sukkot with 6 minutes to spare before candle lighting.  It has been a restful 2 days, and much needed considering Tzvi ended up running a fever Sunday night until this morning.  He stayed home sleeping during all of the meals we went out for.  He is thankfully feeling much better today. 

You were missed during our sukkot meals.  Last night brought us to a house that had a ramp.  I envisioned in another life pushing you up the ramp in your pink wheelchair.  For some reason neither aba nor I brought you up during the last two days.  I am torn on how that makes me feel in hindsight.  During the moment I didn't have the energy, and it turned out neither did he.  I just never know the right thing to do.  It feels as if we are trying to prove something by bringing you up, but when we don't bring you up it feels like we aren't being fair to you. It sucks. Maybe one day I will figure it all out.

Anyway, baby girl.  I miss you a lot! I love you beyond words!

Until next time.

Love always, 

The Mighty Contributor

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