Today is the third day of October. I am used to summer flying by so quickly, but since summer ended, I feel like this entire school year is going by in record time. It makes the distance from you feel further, it makes squashing the panic harder. It makes reminding myself you actually existed harder. It makes life after you that much harder.
Today at 1:08pm also marks 139 Monday's since you left. The lump that brings into my throat makes it hard to swallow. I don't have to close my eyes to envision you in my lap with me running my fingers through your hair. I can still see myself in a room filled with so many people trying to avoid making eye contact with them. I can still feel your weight in my arms as I carried you for the last time down the hallway and placing you on the gurney in the front yard. I can still remember the feeling of loss and confusion after I came back inside and paced around the kitchen island unsure what I should be doing, but, finding myself organizing while nurse Paige sat in silence writing her notes until she told me she had to leave because her nursing agency was making her. I still remember your sister, who was 6 at the time, despite seeing you when you died and watching you leave, asking me when you and aba were coming home. I can and do remember it all. Just like it all happened today. But it didn't, it was 2 years and 8 months ago.
It is mentally hard without you here, it really is. There are so many things that just do not make sense. People ask me how many children I have and I can peppily report I have 5. They ask how many boys and girls, and I can say 2 boys and 3 girls quick as can be. I secretly love the astonished look on their face and relish in their exacerbated emphasis related to how busy I must be. I can fake the smile while simultaneously thinking about how I am actually lying, rather, cheating. But the reaction that comes when you have five children is much more rewarding than when you say you only have four.
This last month has allowed aba and I to come to terms with understanding that no matter what, we will always be missing the physical you. Despite us wanting to be parents to five live children, even if we did, then we should be parents to six. There won't ever be a way to catch up. There wouldn't ever be an end. We are enjoying this season of parenting older kids, despite how crazy and active it is with all of your siblings' activities and schedules. The freedom to just go away and be able to plan is not taken for granted. We know how lucky we are.
I often wonder where you would have fit into this season. I sometimes wonder how this season would be different. I wonder who would have suffered the most. I try not to stay in those thoughts for long. They don't serve me well and there is no point. The guilt should have been put to rest with you. Clearly, 2 years and 8 months later it proves it hasn't.
This month has been hard, but I know the next two will be harder. I hope you are enjoying your 2 years and 8 months of freedom. I hope this month taught you something new and gave you a new skill. I hope you have only had happy moments and incredible times since you have entered into your new world. You are missed here more than you will ever know.
Until next time baby girl!
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