Friday, July 3, 2020

5 Months

Dear Sonzee,

Today marks not one, not two, not three, not four, but 5 official months since we last cuddled.  As usual, writing that first sentence brings tears to the forefront of my eyes and a huge lump into my throat.  This month has brought about some changes in this whole grieving journey, I wonder if you noticed them yourself?  I think some might call it growth, from my perspective, and for me, it is honestly just a significant amount of sorrow that I didn't know could even be added to the experience.  If I take a step back and focus on you than I can see the whole potential growth concept.  I hope my actions will further allow you to move forward in your journey.  Don't get overly excited, because you didn't turn 18 yet, so my freedom for you is only being given in tiny tiny increments.

Man, this parenting thing has gotten really complicated these past 5 months.  I am so confused about where I stand as your mom and what that actually means.  I have no idea what any of my actions mean for you.  I have no idea if anything I do even impacts you at all.  Do you hear my thoughts or are you able to read my words?  If you can and do, I wonder if these letters to you make you feel guilty at all or keep you from doing anything out of fear of breaking my heart more?  I pray that isn't the case, but at the same time, I won't ever be able to let you go enough to stop them.  My only hope is that eventually, we can both find a balance respective to each of our new lives.

During this last month, your siblings all finished the school year.  They have yet to finish the workbooks I got them for supplemental work back in March, but maybe by your 6th-month post, they will have completed them.  Noam has started to bring everything plus the kitchen sink into his crib at night to go to sleep.  Your book has been a staple there as well.  He is really into Llama Llama lately but still gives some time to the Pete the Cat books.  He is talking up a storm and still picking on Meena, which is honestly just so funny (although, not so much for her), but we really cannot figure out why he goes after her.  Maybe it is because she is so chill it makes her quite the easy target?!

Tzviki and Noam are becoming pretty close pals.  It has been really neat to watch their relationship unfold.  It is filled with hockey sticks, wrestling, ball throwing, and just random shenanigans that are really not safe.  Tzvi and the girls have been spending a lot of time building lego communities and when it's cooler in the evening will go ride bikes or scooters out front.  Tzvi would play hockey all day out in the heat, but I am just not up for that during the 100+ temperatures.  He has still been pretty quiet about you being gone, but he is a sensitive little guy, so I know he is internalizing it all.

Laeya and Meena have continued including you in their games with the Sonzee Bears.  They are both getting on me to get the books made of you and each of them, I have Laeya's in the shopping cart and just need to buy it, Meena's I need to start.  Everyone has been helping with their plants, but it is really not going so great.  The milkweeds are doing fabulous, but we have lost all the flower buds on the Kangaroo Paws.  I am attempting to get new ones to grow.  The stems are still tall and not droopy, so I know they are alive...they just aren't as easy as was suggested.

I hope this last month has brought you new happy times and positive lessons.  I hope you are continuing to make friends and that you are meeting nice people.  I hope you have explored more of wherever you are and spend your days doing whatever it is that makes you happy.

You are missed and loved immensely and I find it hard to believe the next monthly letter I will write will be in honor of half of a year without you being here.  I think it is going to take the next month to process that fact alone.  Until then my little bear. 

Love always,

The Mighty Contributor

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