Monday, July 20, 2020

24 weeks

Dear Sonzee,

24 weeks. I don't get it.  Time has never appeared to pass by so quickly, even your time here on earth seems like it went by not as fast.  It is just the time with you actually here seems to be getting harder and harder to see.  I feel as if I am sitting on a plane and watching you shrink as the plane moves higher and higher...I fear that you will soon be completely out of my sight.  That thought is scary and suffocating and yet in some ways, it is unavoidable.

Last Wednesday night we went to a drive-in movie event put on by Hospice of the Valley, they played the Disney movie, Onward.  We already watched that accidentally near the beginning of quarantine when Disney did an early release.  I had heard people say it was amazing, so I just pressed play without even reading the synopsis.  It was a parenting fail in terms of Laeya, and I definitely was not prepared for it.  This round, it was aba who had not seen it, but he at least knew what it was about.  I think it was toughest for him due to Saba.  Overall, despite it not being one of my favorite Disney movies, I think it provided a good storyline for us.  Your sisters brought their Sonzee bears all dressed up in your newborn outfits along with your feeding bags and Laeya even threw in your phone (that we haven't turned on since it died). 

As a whole, I am still feeling lost.  I know it has become apparent to your siblings because Laeya mentioned how I don't spend all my time giving you meds, taking care of you, or working on something related to your care and I just sit at my desk "bored".  It is an accurate statement.  I have all this time, and I don't know what to really do with it.  I try filling the void with different things every day, but everything pales in comparison to just having you here.  Yet, as much as this is horribly painful, I wouldn't even ask you to come back so you could be the one having to suffer.

The one thing everyone seems in agreement with here is they are loving my "grief directed cooking".  I have been doing my best to make different "fancy" dinners, and since I do have the time now, I find easy recipes and just dive right in.  The majority of them have been huge hits, the ones that weren't I knew I was gambling on from the start, but I made them eat it anyway and just bribed them with some dessert.

This week is already the last week of the extended school year, I can't believe it was four weeks long.  FBC's school year is planning on virtually starting two weeks from today.  I feel like summer shouldn't be over yet, without being in NY it doesn't even seem like it ever began.  I hope wherever you are, you are having fun dancing around and doing everything to your heart's content. You are greatly missed and always loved.

Love always,

The Mighty Contributor

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