My groundhog week begins again. It will be 23 weeks this afternoon at 1:08pm AZ time. This week has been filled with much of the same with a slight twist of additional tears. The further away our last time together becomes, the harder it is for me to try and understand everything related to your life and your death. In just 5 days it will be 6 months from the day aba called hospice and had you admitted. I have spent much of these last 6 months analyzing the 6 months prior to that day, which brings us to a year ago now in New York. Last summer is when my gut knew you were starting to slip away from us. It was such a battle for me to try and convince everyone else to really look and listen to you. Ultimately, the only two differences would have been you knowing the hospice team a few months longer, and maybe fewer fights between aba and I?
Speaking of aba, he woke me up one night this past week to tell me he saw you. You held his hand and walked with him to where your friends were. You then left him to go and play with them. He said it felt so real he couldn't even understand it. He couldn't stop saying how happy you were. My heart was filled with such joy. I knew the minute he said you let go of his hand and walked away to your friends that I am still not ready for you to visit me. I love that you are aware of that but still chose to let us know you are truly ok and so radiantly happy. It's all we have ever wanted for you.
This weekend we had record-setting temperatures. It is absolutely ridiculous here. We didn't need this type of reminder to know why we choose to flee this city every summer. It is horrible. I literally drive to check on your rocks and hop back in the car because it is way too hot to stay longer than 5 minutes in the sun. Sometimes you throw us a heated breeze, Laeya and I always make a comment when it happens, it makes us smile, and we always look up at the sky and thank you.
Your siblings and aba have been splashing like maniacs in your spa. Aba says it is his happy place. They are treating it like a pool, temp, toys, jumping, and all. It is really insane to be out there because I get soaked sitting nearby. I have been able to walk up the steps and be out there while they are inside for a bit without crying, so that's a plus. I have taken to watching way too many "tasty" food videos and spend their pool time making various dinners. I have also perfected my at-home coffee beverages and smoothies. Nurse Paige wouldn't even know who I am anymore because I have only been to a Starbucks twice since March and it was only when we drove out of town. Winning!
As always I will finish off by telling you how much you are missed and loved. Laeya says she is having a bit of an issue figuring out the dynamic of siblings without you here, I am in that boat for every dynamic. I will continue to hope and wish you are having a great time. No matter how incredibly hard it is for me to be here without you, I am pretty content with aba's account that my wishes and hopes are coming true so may they only continue, and may you only find further happiness for yourself.
Love always,
Ema
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