Monday, June 29, 2020

21 Weeks

My Dearest Sonzee Bear,

How are you doing my love?  Another week has gone by and by the time of my next letter to you, another month as well.  The months passing hurt more than the individual weeks.  Maybe it is because that means 4ish of them have come and gone without you being here?  Maybe it is because seeing a new month makes it in my face more real that you are gone?  Each week I can feel myself believe that simple yet obvious fact a little more.  By little, I mean nonmeasurable to the naked eye, but internally I know it has occurred.

I found myself watching two different movies this week at night after the house was asleep, both around the concept of grief.  I am not sure why I considered it to be the best of ideas, but in the end, besides finding myself hysterically crying at 1:30am on the couch, I think I needed to watch them?  I am not sure I am as strong as the characters, but the messages resonated and I have been playing them in my mind on a loop. 

I feel like I am stuck in this space of trying to move forward without you, while not feeling this suffocating guilt and feeling that that would mean I am leaving you behind.  At the same time, I actually wonder if my being stuck is preventing you from being able to move forward yourself?  I truly want your soul to be able to do what it needs to do now without it being me who holds you back.  There were no clear cut answers when you were here, and there are certainly less with you gone.

Wednesday will represent the second July 1 since the summer of 2014 that we will not be in NY.  The first was the year you were born because we were so afraid of being in the middle of nowhere so soon after your epilepsy diagnosis and now the first summer after your death.  In a sense that almost seems fitting, but the reason for not going this year was made more by forces greater than our control vs our desires.  Although to be 100% honest I am not sure I am ready to be that far away from you for so long just yet, so maybe you played a roll in the way this summer is playing out?

For the first time I am doing ESY at FBC this summer (over zoom) and we begin officially on Tuesday.  I am overall excited, but a little nervous because instead of tagging onto circle times like how it was during spring, this is me being front and center with each kiddo.  I am sure by next week I will feel better about it.  Whether fall classes will be online or in-person have yet to be determined at this point, and I am unsure where my opinion lies.  For different reasons than everyone else my biggest fear for returning to the main campus is whether I can actually walk into the building and walk down your hallway and walk into any classroom you have ever been in or the room has shared a bathroom entry with.  I honestly don't know how in person would work at west valley either because I am afraid the reminders of it all staring me in the face and surrounding my day might cause me to break down multiple times a day.   For now, I will just focus on taking each virtual ESY day as they come and just wait and see the options we are given for the fall and how I am feeling when a decision needs to be made.

As always, I hope you are staying safe and healthy.  I hope you are having the most fun possible and that you aren't missing us all too much.  I hope you feel safe and comforted and that you know how much you are loved and missed.

Love always,

The Mighty Contributor

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