I spent a significant amount of time in her room between Friday night and Saturday morning. Her biggest sister and I were having some quality bonding time and it was a good location for us. I stared at her walls for what felt like an eternity. All of her handprints, footprints, pictures that I printed from school and placed into frames, participation certificates, the giant picture we had made for her funeral, it was all there staring me in the face. I tried to not think, I tried to actively turn the switch to off, but it didn't matter what I did, the tears began to fall. I repeated in my mind words that have been said to me over a million times, "it's ok to cry in front of your kids" and "it's good for them to see you cry", but oh how quickly my oldest noticed.
"Ema, are you crying?" I replied with a shake of my head and my hand reaching up to wipe the tears. She replied with "It's okay Ema, we all do it". "Meena cried at Auntie A's the first time she slept over after Sonzee died". She continued to tell me how she and her sister talk about how much they miss Sonzee, which brought me a lot of peace and comfort because I always worry if they keep their feelings bottled up...like me. I extremely dislike crying in front of others, regardless of our relationship, it makes me feel extremely weak. Apparently, there is still more to Sonzee's mission because she's still working her magic by enhancing my skillsets from afar. Ema is now unable to control her ability to stop the flow of tears (check).
Staring at all of her life framed on walls is a double-edged sword. It proves she existed, it proves it wasn't all just a dream, and it proves she was alive. Yet, she isn't here anymore, and it makes me wonder, where did she go? what is she doing? who is she with? Does she look the same? I can't look at her past without wondering about her present or future and I need to be willing to accept all the feelings merging together at once without warning; which is proving to be a newly unanticipated challenge