19 weeks

Dear Sonzee, 

19 weeks my love.  I am unsure how the days keep speeding by and turn into weeks since you were last here.  We are halfway through June now and father's day is upon us in 6 days.  I won't brag, but I did something really comical for aba's gift, don't worry, you are part of it.  Hard to believe another significant day is about to be here and you won't be.  We are still not used to that, in fact, some days I think that fact has only gotten worse, but maybe after all of these firsts are behind us things will be better?  I am unsure if that will be the case because we will always know you aren't making a surprise appearance, yet it will always be disappointing when you don't, and then we will have to just continue to make the best of the day despite that.

In 3 days is CDKL5 Awareness day.  I have hardly been raising awareness since you have left us, and definitely not so much during this years June awareness month.  Short of posting your death certificate each day, I have little I feel like sharing right now.  I feel slightly guilty about that.  I keep thinking of various ways I could have raised awareness this month in your honor, but I will have plenty of years to do it.  Maybe next year I will be in a better mental state regarding my feelings towards everything.  It is so hard to literally hate the lack of something that made you who you were.  I used to tell myself while you were alive that I didn't hate your lack of CDKL5 because it did make you the you we loved, but it's hard to not hate the very thing that aided in your no longer being here to kiss and hug.

I am unsure when I started to post a video or a picture of you each day from a previous year, but I am really loving the trip down memory lane every day.  Each picture takes me back to that specific moment in time and I can actually remember the moments.  Sometimes though they make me wonder if we did too little?  I sometimes wonder if I was so tired I didn't give you my all?  I won't ever know that answer, but lately, it has been weighing on me.  I know deep down that everything happened how it was supposed to, it is just hard to accept it all the time.  This time last year we really thought you were perfect, at your very best.  Hindsight is always 20/20 and I typically end up disliking it.

Aba has been placing way too many rocks by you, so I have started back at decorating them.  Your basket is literally overflowing.  He tells me to just keep coloring them, yet I keep explaining that we have years of rock placing.  I colored one already for July 4th because I am running out of ideas.  Morah Zupnick gave me a great idea to color one for Covid19 (I am so glad you are missing out on this one).  

I hope as usual this week treats you well and you know you are extremely loved and missed.  I hope you are making friends and are not lonely at all.  Remember to stay safe!

Love always, 

Ema