20 weeks and (sadly) counting my little bear. I feel like this should be some celebratory moment due to the amount of time, all I can think to celebrate is how I have actually survived this long without you here. Maybe that isn't even entirely true because so much of me went with you all those Monday's so long ago.
Today was supposed to be our first day in New York. I wonder how you would have handled the long flights to and from Israel. My guess is you would have handled it like a champ, but I do wonder how we would have worked out all of the logistics to make it all possible. One of those little mysteries we won't be privy to knowing. I keep thinking about whenever it is that we are going to be flying without you...honestly, it's a first I am really not looking forward to participating in. I already anticipate a minor breakdown in security. That is one of those differences between when you were here and now, instead of anticipating all the possible scenarios of what people might say about you, or to us on your behalf, or the fears of stares and what people might be thinking about you, I anticipate what people might say that could cause me to react negatively or what might cause me to breakdown and in what manner and how I can possibly, maybe, handle it all.
This last week for some reason I have been a little more outspoken in general when people say or do something that really makes my skin crawl. I think we can blame Harper's mommy because she told me I have 18 months from Feb. 3 to be societally excused over anything that comes out of my mouth. So, I just decided to embrace it...oops?! The truth is, I was barely hanging on to my sanity and my filter in general after everything we were thrown into living life with you, and now since you have left, I just don't have the wherewithal to deal with certain things anymore. I think this is the reason that phrase sorry, not sorry was created.
Yesterday was Aba's day, we made the best of it for him. Laeya made a craft in your honor for him and I placed it on your rocks for him when we went to visit you. We took a picture with everyone, and sorry we stood on your feet, although you are so used to that. Noam has been sleeping with the book of you two again and carrying it around. Laeya and Meena have been dressing up their Sonzee Bears in various outfits when they play. Everyone except for me went into your spa again yesterday. I am sorry, I still can't, but they have been having so much fun.
The jury is definitely out on that garden I started almost 6 weeks ago. They are colorless but not drooping? There is a reason I don't typically participate in this planting thing. Aba said he is going to install a drip line thing so hopefully that will keep everything getting appropriate water and make it more of a chance of being a success. The good news is that we have birds living in the cactus in the front yard as well as the trees in the back, and hummingbirds across the street all the time, so once your garden is established I feel like it will just be a bonus for them to come and visit.
Speaking of hummingbirds, we spent a large portion outside of the house Saturday afternoon until after Shabbat ended and there was a hummingbird that just wouldn't go into the tree. I noticed it because it was just dancing back and forth across the street high above the large tree there and every once and a while it would fly over towards us and into the backyard. I always take notice now when they are flying around, but this was different. In the back of my mind, I hoped it was you just coming to be near us from a little bit of a distance. (No, I am not calling you a hummingbird per se) But if it was you, thanks for the visit.
Anyway, as always, I miss you. We all miss you and wish you were here. Please remember to stay safe and remember we love you so much.
Love always,
Ema
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