Monday, March 30, 2020


Dear Sonzee,

In a few more hours it will be 8 weeks since you were last here.  Didn't I just tell you it was 7?  I cannot believe Friday marks a full 2 months, it will also mark Ema's bestie Elle's birthday, so that will allow the clouds to part a bit.  The tears still fall at the drop of a hat, the pain still feels just as fresh, and the weight on my chest feels just as heavy.  Yesterday we had a really nice family day, the 6 of us, it almost feels wrong to admit that to you.  I promise though all I did was think about where you would have laid in the grass with your siblings, and how I would have made you go on the slip and slide with me; although you would have hated the cold water.  Noam would have sat with you since he refused to go on it because boss baby agrees with you on the water needing to be growing bacteria to get near it.  We all went into your swim spa to warm up, someone (yet of course none of your siblings will admit who) made it 91, don't worry, we adjusted that quickly back up to 94, we all know how you like it.

The last two times I have gone to see you there have been rocks painted and left for you.  I love the surprise, and even better is after I make a post the person sends me a text to let me know who it was.  I cannot tell you how much joy it all brings to my heart but it also hurts me to know others are having to miss you as well.  In case you don't know, missing you really hurts.  I don't wonder if it will ever feel better, I know that it would be impossible.  You have left quite a void for so many, I hope you realize how special you were, are, to a lot of people.  Meena slept in your room on Saturday night, Laeya Sunday, and Tzviki has requested tonight.  The only bit of guilt I feel in regards to him and your last few days is that he asked to sleep with you and I told him "not tonight" and then it never happened; he has reminded me of this at least two times since you left us.  I am so sorry if you are upset about that as well, I should have just let him, I don't know why I didn't; but tonight and whenever else he asks me to, he will be there.

I gave Auntie A all of your clothing, it wasn't that difficult because 95% was from your sisters, and it always goes to Ziva after you.  She has insisted on wearing the outfits practically every day, it makes me smile when she walks by the house in a familiar combo.  She and momo were talking about you the other day and Auntie A sent me the recording of the last part.  I know Ziva has been missing you a lot, and she was talking about you.  Mo said you will always hear them talking to you because you are in the sky and you were with Hashem.  Neither Auntie A nor I realized how much your absence would impact Z, so maybe if you could add her into your watch list if you haven't that would be so great.

Last week I took another picture at your grave and received a text from Coach Susan pointing out another heart crept it's way into it, this time the shadow was the heart.  I am starting to really think you are somehow doing this on purpose.  I think I am too afraid to admit that it really could be a sign from you, but after the third time, I promise I will stop doubting (hint, hint).  While we are on the subject, if you could just find a way to let me know you are doing okay, ema could really use the reassurance.  It has been really challenging to not be able to check-in, to not be able to call and have someone tell me you are doing well, to not know you are feeling ok, to not know you really are alright, to not know you have made friends, or that someone is taking care of you, or at least is there for you when you need it.

Navigating life with you feels similar to being dropped into the middle of a jungle in the fog with no compass.  I think the busy work of being back to writing progress reports, IEP's, and present levels has helped me keep my footing, but it is easy for me to falter when I see the dates of birth of the kiddos in my classes are younger than you or your age.  The days are starting to have more moments where the tears don't force me into hiding or make me turn away so no one catches the twinkle is there.  But then there are times where a simple thought brings a tidal wave right back at me. I know this is going to be an even slower marathon than living your journey with CDKL5, so I am learning to give myself grace.  I just hope and pray you are not having the same difficulties navigating your new world without us, and if you find yourself having one of those tough days just know it's allowed.  Remember that we miss you beyond words and to stay safe.

Love always,

The Mighty Contributor

No comments:

Post a Comment