7 weeks

Dear Sonzee,

It seems on my more difficult days writing you a note helps clear my mind.  Today has been tough.  It started with an online staff meeting at your school.  I have been unsure about going back to FBC this year, unsure if I was ready but wondering if I would ever really be ready, and not wanting to disappoint families or the teachers in my classrooms.  Schools have moved to an online virtual format due to the coronavirus pandemic, so I no longer have to worry about walking passed your classroom or going into a building that would possibly cause me an extra dose of grief.  I figured West Valley wouldn’t bother me as much since you never were there physically, so initially I thought I would just go back there, but now I am planning on going back to all four classrooms.  What I didn’t consider was that just getting back into the grove, being part of a community that was yours first would make me so emotional.  Let’s just say I was really happy it was a one way meeting and no one could see me.  All I was thinking about was how sassy you would be during the future virtual circle times and the avoidance you would do to not look at the screen.  I wonder what you would have thought about it.

I cleaned the filters in your swim spa this afternoon.  I am in operation make the water sparkling blue.  It has been quite the project for me.  Every  time I think I finally have it mastered, it becomes a bit cloudy and it’s driving me insane.  I ordered new filters  and before summer we will drain the water and refill it to start from scratch.  Overall I enjoy taking care of it, I just wish you would be swimming in it along with the rest of us.  I keep telling myself I should start to swim against the jets as a workout and put all of the features to good use, but you know how I feel about exercising so it still hasn’t happened yet.

We received another series of trees planted in your honor certificate today in the mail.  That brings the total up to five certificates and a ridiculous amount of trees.  This one came from Mr. Darrin and the entire cemetery family. That made me smile but brought tears to my eyes simultaneously, that seems to be the common theme today.  Last week we finally received coach Susan’s, it took her calling three times and 5 weeks for them to get it to us...neither of us understood why that was the case.  Aunt Ronit,  your CDKL5 brother Tanner’s family, and a huge group of my sorority sisters sent as well.  I’ll make sure I put the one from today up with the others on the wall.

The last part of your room is just framing some final items.  Aba has officially moved the corner desk inside and he’s been using it for the last few days.  It’s nice to be using your room daily again.  Laeya went in there over the weekend and played with her playmobile.  Noam is back to asking “up” when I am in there to get into your bed.  Meena tried to erase the dry erase marker with all of your last doses of medications given the weekend you passed away, Aba and I shouted “don’t touch” in unison, clearly we aren’t ready to remove the last bit of our care for you.  Your TPN lists are still up on the left door, and your last doctors appointment dates are listed as well.  They might end up being stained into the door.

Today marks 7 weeks since I last held you.  Still feels like it was yesterday, but I know so much time has passed without you.  So many new memories that don’t involve you physically, but don’t worry, you are there in all of our thoughts.  We miss you immensely and we can’t wait to see you again.  I am eager to hear about all you have been doing, so I hope you are keeping a detailed journal to review with me one day.  It’s been an hour since the gates closed here, and I am sure Aba is wondering when I’ll be back, so I am going to be on my way. Your  rocks are all in order and I’ll be back to sit with you tomorrow. Have a great night and be safe.

Love always,
Ema