Owls

Dear Sonzee,

I am sitting here with you amongst this time of social distancing, while I don’t think you could be any further from me, this is the closest I can get. I keep seeing all of your friends' parents changing their Facebook profile badge to the one that says “Your only is my everything” and ironically it pains me that I cannot do that.  I wonder what I would have said to myself 5 years ago today when you had your first EEG had I known where I would find myself today.

A week and a half ago I saw an owl in the tree across the way from you. I took so many videos and pictures because I have never seen an owl in real life in a tree so close, I also was not sure aba would believe me if I just told him about it. There happened to be a funeral going on at the time and I wondered if this person had any relationship to owls.  Minus an owl dress and a pair of pajamas we never really coined you an owl girl.  I went home and while working on your room, I came across a picture that Laeya made for you.  I am unsure when she drew it, but there is a bird saying feel better to two owls sitting on a branch in a tree. I hung it on the wall yesterday. Today while I have been sitting here with you, Mr. owl has been hooting away.

I keep wishing you were here but at the same time I am so thankful we don’t have to worry about you being taken away from us because of a virus. That was always my worst fear. No matter what we did to try and protect you it was never enough, you always managed to get everyone’s “allergies” anyway. I couldn’t help myself and I signed into the PCH portal last night to look up your previous positive respiratory viruses. You were the queen of adenovirus/rhinovirus and you even had the HCoV-OC43 coronavirus. My heart sank to see all of your future appointments removed but I am so thankful someone took care of that for me and that no one made me have to call every office to cancel them; doing that for your feeding pump was horrible enough.

We started a grief support group last week. Sadly it has been put on hold due to social distancing, but your siblings after essentially having to force them to go are begging to go back.  It makes it worse they aren't having it right now, but I am so happy they enjoyed it.  Of course, they were each given another beanie baby and a blanket (because we don't have enough of those) but that definitely made them smile. I was hesitant to take another blanket myself, but sometimes it gets windy and chilly when I sit with you and I have already gotten to use it.  Meena and Laeya have been more openly vocal about them missing you since that first meeting. They say how much they just miss having you around. Noam has started to make it a routine now to request the book of you and him at nap time and bedtime. Tzviki is still keeping to himself, but he did share his favorite time with you was that last week when you two snuggled and told stories, I am so glad I recorded the entire event.

I am not sure if you have viewed your space from above, but after each storm, the dirt and rocks sink in.  I have been there every time and each time it manages to get worse.  The guys at the cemetery have been amazing fixing it within 24 hours, but sometimes I am quicker to visit than they are to get it back up to snuff.  Apparently tomorrow it is supposed to rain really hard all day, so Mr. Ira came out to warn me that he will have it fixed as soon as the weather permits, thankfully everyone continues to make sure they take care of you.  

I was warned that no matter what happened when you were dying that I would find myself reconsidering every decision.  I was cocky at the time so confident in our choices that I couldn't imagine that would ever be the case.  It is amazing what 6 weeks and your absence can do to my mind.  I still know we had no control over what happened, but at times my mind wanders to that land of what if.  Thankfully I have people who entertain, accept, and support my wandering but also steer me back on the path making sure I really know that we did the best for you.  It is just hard, life without you little bear is just hard.  Every little thing depending on the day is just hard, so I am trying to just focus on a day at a time.

I hope you have had an amazing 6 weeks and have made all sorts of new friends.  Hopefully, you don't have to worry about social distancing wherever you are and your days are filled with tons of swimming, eating, and whatever else it is your heart desires.  Know that we are all still surviving without you despite our broken hearts, and we all look forward to seeing you and hugging you again.

With love always,

Ema