One of the seven stages of grief happens to involve pain and guilt. Apparently, it's part of the normal process and occurs as the shock wears off. I wish I could have seen it coming, maybe I should have done a quick google search to prepare myself, but instead, I spent the day feeling such an immense amount of guilt, that google was unnecessary. Whether it be rational or not, it doesn't change that I cannot push the thoughts away. I feel like a complete failure over the fact that my parenting clearly was not good enough to keep Sonzee alive, and in addition, her siblings suffered without having as active of a mom as I wish I could have been for close to 5 years because I was the primary parent for Sonzee's needs. So in the end, Sonzee died and I failed them and missed out on so much and for what?
Everything with her health required my advocacy, I wish I had been a better advocate? I should have demanded we take her off TPN when I was unsettled in August. I should have been as adamant as I was about her entering into hospice for her last days all those other times I felt that I needed to humor everyone else. I shouldn't have allowed her to be subjected to every potential remedy that I knew would result in nothing beneficial and just said "No!" That was my job! I am the one who knew her best! I am the one who knew when she started to decline. I am the one who listened to what she wasn't saying...but I wasn't the one who was able to save her. I cannot figure out how to balance "what I did do for her" with what I ultimately couldn't do for her. Anything positive seems so insignificant and meaningless compared to the fact that she is gone, forever, and whatever I might have been able to do is no longer a matter of discussion. I should have been able to do more.
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