Every night when Sonzee's little brother goes to sleep he requests to read his favorite book, or two, or sometimes three. They are usually the "poo-poo" book (Old McNoah), "Never touch a dragon", or "10 tiny racers". He will dictate where we are going to sit in his room. It used to be us snuggling in his rocking chair, but now it has turned into us squeezing onto his bean bag or him in his little rocking chair and me on the floor. After we presented him with his "Sonzee and I" book the other day we would ask him if he wanted to read it after his first book at night, both Sam and I have read it one or two times, but it has not been a book of choice. So last night with his first book choice in my hand, and his milk bottle in his, we begin our normal routine.
We both alternate singing the words to "Old McNoah built an ark", with the slight adaptation of "McNoam", because it sounds cuter to use his name. He brings "two tows" and they "moo-moo heee and moo moo da". Then he gets "two ducks" and they quack (although I won't lie, he totally substitutes an "f" for the first "q"). The book goes on to discuss pigs who go "oinkee", and lunch being served that turns into it becoming quite smelly (hence "poo-poo" book). The rain starts to fall, the ark goes "oopsie daisy" and then dry land is spotted, "ya-hoo", and of course "e-i-e-i-o". The book finishes and little brother pops up and walks towards the middle of his room. I plead with him to come back for another book, he says "Dondee!", I am not sure what he is saying exactly. He reaches up on the dresser, "Dondee!". Then he grabs the book. "Oh...you want the book of you and Sonzee"
So he brings it back to sit down and we begin to read. I have read this book to him already, I wrote the book, it has only brought a huge smile to my face, except last night when it became requested book #2. Fighting back the tears he let me read every word not rushing to turn the pages. He had me read it a second time pointing at her picture every time while I said "Sonzee" and then pointing at his picture while saying "Noam". It is always a moment like this that catches my breath, one that makes me smile with such joy and happiness, yet simultaneously breaks my heart. It is one thing to have to sift through my emotions and the pain of her loss, but to know her baby brother aches for her is just such an addition of pain to this already horrible process. I am so thankful this book will give him (some of) the comfort he clearly needs, but I wish so much that he could just walk into her room or see her in her PPOD and say "Dondee" with the same excitement he does when he sees her picture in his book, like he always did.