Tuesday, May 31, 2022

121 weeks and 1.5 days

Dear Sonzee, 

This last week has been really tough. I wish the grief could stay more even-keeled, but I guess that isn't how this all works.  This week, I spent a lot of time getting the new house ready for move-in day.  It won't be the perfect ribbon-cutting ceremony, but hopefully, by the time we leave for NY, it will be close to perfect.

There is a lot of weight that comes with opening boxes that say "room #1".  It was worse when I randomly picked a box, opened it, and didn't even consider it would have your stuff in it.  Since grief avoidance is my specialty, the minute I caught a glimpse of something of yours I immediately shut the box and moved on. (Well until the whole 1.5 days into week 122).

You'd think by now I would be able to look at your stuff without crumbling, but that's a huge nope.  Maybe it is because I haven't seen it in so long? Maybe it is because in 19th street I had to purposely open a door and go into your room willingly.  It only caught me off guard if the doors were left ajar, which wasn't often. Maybe it is just how this will go.  Aba seems to think eventually I will get used to it.  Today I disagree with that notion, I can't imagine (do I even want to?).  Will I eventually become numb?  Will it eventually be different?  For today it is hard to imagine coming home every day and having to see your stuff in my face without you there.  I can't lie, after I set a lot of it out I wanted to throw it all back into a box, but I am going to try and do the opposite and attempt to accept our reality.

This week I saw my first hummingbird at the new house. I recorded him/her for a good 2 minutes (until aba scared him/her away). I joked with him you clearly didn't want to see him that day, and he pointed out you visited him at least once since you died...so he won that convo hands down.

This last week from Saturday night until this morning Laeya and I went to Florida for a bat mitzvah. We saw savta and had a nice time.  We also drove to see Jenn (and Dalia) and Elle, and got to see Ronald pitch in a tournament (this way when he goes to the MLB we can say "we saw him when...".  I feel so lucky to have seen them both twice this year!

This week your oldest introduced me to this song called "glitter" by Patrick Droney and I can't make it through it without my eyes filling with tears. It is such a perfect song about grief and you. My heart continues to break more for her and all the grieving she does for you.  I know how suffocating it is for me, and it kills me that she feels a similar pain.

Anyway baby girl. I love and miss you!

Hope to see you soon.

Until next time. 

Love always, 

The Mighty Contributor

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