Yesterday our youngest had his cast removed from his hand. He fractured the third metacarpal 3 weeks and 2 days ago and had the cast for 3 weeks. When the doctor looked at the x-ray she couldn't even tell where the fracture had been. It was completely healed, in just three weeks.
Over the weekend Sam and I were asked if we felt that time has healed us. Sam gave his answer, but due to the timing of the question I wasn't able to, and then the opportunity never came back. I was thankful because honestly there wasn't enough time for me to formulate my response. So many thoughts have crossed my mind as an answer because it isn't so simple, at least not for me.
Today marks 2 years 3 months and 7 days since Sonzee died. I feel like my world has changed more times than I can count since that day and in so many ways. There is healing in terms of our home life is more stable. We don't have to change plans at the drop of a hat due to a last-minute hospitalization. We don't have to keep a hospital bag packed and ready to go in an emergency. The crack that was created due to the chaos of CDKL5 has healed itself to 80%, which was equivalent to when Sonzee's middle sister had her cast removed from her elbow after fracturing it in 2 places. We were told with use it would eventually reach 100%.
There is a comfort in knowing Sonzee is in a far better place than we could provide for her in some ways. She is free from being trapped inside her body, she can communicate in the truest form of total communication. She can run freely and do whatever it is she wants to do (I hope within reason for a 7-year-old). She is whole, she has zero scars or remnants from the seizing body she was stuck inside of. She is healed beyond any fracture that could be placed into a cast.
My heart endured its true first break in April 2015 when we were given Sonzee's CDKL5 diagnosis. I don't think there is a potential to ever truly heal from the scars that were left from watching her seize thousands of times during her life. I think it is beyond impossible to heal from the damage that was done to my body as I lived with anticipatory grief and watched her straddle the worlds of life and death more times than any parent should. I think there is no healing from watching her siblings have to live the life of a special needs sibling only to have the title change to bereaved sibling. There won't ever be true healing from having to access her port, draw her labs, administer meds, handle her feeds, and essentially play nurse more than I did mom over her 4 years 11 months, and 23 days of life.
I don't consider healing to be an option when for 15 days I watched her body reject foods and fluids. For 15 days I watched her body shut down, in a way that forced my mind to think awful thoughts no parent should have to think. For 36 hours I had to watch her as her heart continued to beat but it was clear she was no longer in her body. Then similarly to her birth where one minute she wasn't here and then was, one minute, she was here and then wasn't.
2 years 3 months and 10 days ago she left this world and I have spent every day since trying to manage how to exist in a world that continues on without her and without the world of special needs. I am truly at peace that I no longer live in that world, but the scars from that life are easy to uncover in a split second. In the last 2 years 3 months and 10 days I have found comfort and discomfort by doing the same things at different times. Life has become more about making sure every day I allow myself grace to survive.
Time has done a lot of things since 2015 and 2020. It has allowed for some amazing incredible moments and some truly devastating life-altering events. As far as healing, I think it should just be left to broken bones.
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