I am sorry I am 5 days behind the 3rd of the month. Different than last month, this month I had planned on writing to you, but life got in the way. It makes me cringe to write that, but it is the sad and honest reality. This last month I found myself attempting to carefully balance the beam of grief only to fall off a few times. It is so much different than when I used to walk the tightrope while you were alive. There was panic every time I was on that rope, and that rope was tied to the tops of skyscraper buildings with nothing but 1000s of feet below. The grief beam is a bit thicker on the sides, is only 5ft or so off the ground, and has mats when I fall. It still sucks, but it's not nearly the same, probably because I have already fallen 1000s of feet.
This month continued to bring me the reality that life without you is permanent, but I am getting better at handling that. Or maybe it is just that I have mastered the art of ignoring the nagging feeling that enters my chest when that fact throws itself into my face. This month I continued to disconnect myself from some parts of life that related to you. It isn't because I don't want to honor those parts of life with you, it is that I acknowledge how hard it would be and I also am giving myself permission to allow myself the space. For the first time in close to 8 years, I did not sponsor a table or any part of the Ryan House breakfast. For the 3rd time since you have died, I didn't attend (virtually or in-person). I still haven't been able to visit the memorial garden at Ryan House to see your bear tile in person. Funny how I once pictured myself going after you died and sitting outside, but since you have died I haven't even driven that far down Thomas Road.
This month the grief was extra exhausting. It is really a different type of exhaustion than being up all night and then going to work. It is also really challenging to explain with words. But I am drained. I am drained from having to think about you not being here, but I am too drained to even talk about you that much. I have realized that I don't bring you up as much with strangers. I am fairly certain I have talked about my 5 children ages 12, 10, 8, 7, and 4.5 in the present tense to many people. It is easier. It still gives me pause when I say your age. I still have difficulty comprehending that you would have been finishing 1st grade.
This month I painted a rock for you. Although I didn't take a picture to include in this post, instead I went with a beautiful picture of your sister sitting with you as she painted rocks for you.
This month isn't any easier without you here that is for sure. It is just another series of days and weeks that continue to pass us by without you here. It is just another period of time that doesn't have you with us and makes our lives vastly different than how you would have known it.
Anyway baby girl. Another month is gone but you are still far from forgotten. I wish you would find a way to come and see me! I miss you so much.
I love you.
Until next time.
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