58 weeks

Dear Sonzee, 

Every week I sit down to write your letter I begin with turning on my "Sonzee blogging" playlist.  The first words of the first song begin with, "A million thoughts in my head, Should I let my heart keep listening".  It's always the truth, no matter how much time has passed since my last letter to you.  This week without you was challenging for so many reasons, and all the challenges brought more than a million thoughts into my head, but over the last 58 weeks, I have learned that there really is no way to mute them so my heart has no choice but to listen.

This week was my spring break, really, it was our spring break.  I did my best to try and ignore the fact that this would have been our 3rd school year having our breaks together.  For the last 5 weeks, I have done a really great job drowning myself in so much work that it was helping me channel my grief (whether that is right or wrong I really don't know).  I was a little lost this last week, I tried to keep busy, and I was successful, even though I still didn't get everything accomplished I had set out to do.  I never did get up to Bear Pines, and I am honestly really sad we missed another amazing snowfall.  Your brother had hockey, again.  (on that note, this coming weekend is the state tournament, his team is seeded #1 for his division, if you could pop over this weekend to watch him, I am sure he would (never admit how much he would) love that. 

After two classes Meena moved up a level in gymnastics.  I am not really sure I want to support this endeavor, but here we are.  For now, she isn't going on the competition team, we will see where this takes us.  I was honestly enjoying the restrictions of Corona, it was so nice not to have 1000 places to go after school.  Speaking of life returning to normal, we will be going back to New York this summer.  I have already begun to dread this idea.  What was once my most looked forward to event of the year has now turned into something I am honestly fearing.  Maybe it is because we will go to the same house we have always gone to, the one that you spent all of your summers but your first one in?  Maybe it is because summers in NY were the place we went to escape life, to escape our reality of life with CDKL5? Maybe it is because the last summer we were there was the worst summer of your life and we never got to do the redo? Maybe it is because, for the first time in 11 years, I will have a summer with no children at home with me during the day because everyone will be in camp and you aren't here?  Maybe it is simply because we will be thousands of miles away from your current home and I don't know how to cope with that?

I guess I will continue learning, no matter how hard these lessons are, how to keep moving forward.  But now, today, 3 months and 5 days until we embark on our first airplane trip and summer relocation without you I am already feeling the pit of my stomach go hollow and the air getting sucked from my lungs.  These reminders of how life continues to go on can just be downright suffocating.  What I pray as I take my deep breaths to try and ground myself, is that I really hope you are living it up wherever you are! I hope you and all of your friends are able to do everything and anything you want and that you feel nothing but an immense amount of happiness. 

I wish this all could get easier, and while there are differences from week 1, missing you only get's harder.

Until next time my love.

Love always, 

Ema