Wednesday, March 3, 2021

1 year 1 month

Dear Sonzee, 

We have now entered into the first full month of this year that it will be your second time not experiencing.  It has now been 2 full years since you have lived during the 4th-28th of February and the 1st, 2nd, and 3rd days of March.  In just a few more weeks, the entire month will pass without you, again.  Those types of facts are the hardest for me to think about.  They are the ones that haunt me, and also the never-ending ones.  There will always be a first when it comes to not only all of your lasts but your absence in general.  That will never get easier to process.

This last month has been...weird.  You know by now "weird" is my go-to word for this whole journey and experience.  I felt like my mind was so distracted I spent a lot of time ignoring my grief.  I know, that was the opposite of my goal for this year, but it just happened.  Your anniversary and birthday were really really hard for me, it is almost as if my brain completely shut down afterward to preserve my ability to continue to function. I took on as much as I could after your birthday in terms of work and your siblings' activity schedule. I wonder if it was one of those deliberate yet subconscious actions so I could let all my thoughts settle and continue to be able to get out of bed? 

So much continues to change since you've been gone.  I look at everyone with large families and I find myself thinking about how that used to be us. Four kids seem so few compared to five.  Four for some reason doesn't count as crazy, or insane.  Four kids don't hold a candle to five kids and one with special needs.  Once upon a time, I would be talking to someone I knew and they would introduce me to someone new and mention that I was some superstar for being a mom because I was a mom of five, and one of the children was a medically complex child.  It used to be awkward when someone would brag about me being a mom in that fashion.  Now I miss that praise.  Now, it is just that I am a mom of four.  If I say anything, it is that I am a mom of five and one died, but then for some reason, I still feel the need to say you were medically complex.  Maybe it is because I feel like on the regular days I have lost that badge of honor, or maybe it is because it is less awkward if I let the person know there was a reason you died?  

This month I finally decided to become an actual employee at FBC.  I think you would love it that I did that.  Nothing has really changed except I get all of the swag.  You know how much that excites me!  I still can't bring myself to go into Central campus except for quick trips.  My heart isn't quite ready to walk your hallway and peak through your classroom window and not be able to find you sitting with Corrinne.  It is just too much too soon.  I hope next year things might be different? But for now, I will continue to spend my extra time at East and West. I have slowly started to use some of your switches, switch-activated toys, and other communication items.  It makes me smile, and that lava lamp is really cool!

This month your home was finally completed. It is really beautiful, but for some reason, I don't feel the sense of completion and closure I thought I would.  I think that was probably unreasonable for me to think it might fill some of the hole having this done, but it still feels just as empty and broken.  I am bringing you 6 more rocks today along with a new soapstone bear because during all of the stone deliveries it seems to have disappeared. Laeya painted your monthly rock for today and she did a great job. Meena and Noam wanted to decorate one for you as well, so you will have some more shiny rocks.  I have your Purim rocks (it wasn't until Pesach last year that I started to make you the rocks for the holidays so I have now completed the one I missed for last year). Laeya made a rock for you years ago that has been in your bedroom and it makes sense to bring it to you.

So, Sonzee bear, I am sure you have been distracted with all of your newfound freedom and abilities, but in case you forgot or haven't realized, it has been 1 year and 1 month and I have not seen you.  While I appreciate you visiting whoever needs to see you, (and your sister every time she makes a request) who would I be if I didn't lay some good old Jewish mom guilt on you and say..." umm, hello!! have you forgotten where I live?!?"  

I will continue to pray that you are having your best time with your friends! Know that I love you and miss you beyond words and hope I need a visit from you soon (on whatever measurement scale you use to determine that).

Until next time my love.

Love always, 

The Mighty Contributor

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