Dear Sonzee,
It feels like it has been forever since I wrote to you, but the reality is, it has only been 5 days. My perception of time continues to be on a scale with a varying level of complexity. My long drives to and from work give me a lot of time to either not have any thoughts at all or have too many. The too many tend to circle around the topic of how it has only been a year since you were here, but yet how it feels like an entire lifetime ago. It still continues to feel like it never happened, but the memories that are etched into my mind can win that argument in a second.
I had a conversation this past week with someone who might at some point join on a similar but obviously completely different journey to yours/ours. The reality is, their journey won't be yours, it won't be mine, it won't be ours, but yet the idea of the potential has me gasping for air. Part of me feels like it is just too soon for me to know someone who will experience the life of the unknown whom I didn't meet because of your unknown. Part of me feels angry with Hashem that this crap continues. I also feel so torn because I want nothing more than to be able to be there for anyone struggling living a medically complex life, but sometimes it is just so freaking hard to go back. My brain spends a good portion of the day staying present, not traveling down the road we have already traveled, it doesn't take much to send me back in time, you know the time you were here living that life. The life itself was hard, but remembering it without you here now is like a dagger. I feel like Hashem is clearly doing this for a reason, another one of those unrevealed ones, but one I am challenging myself to try and embrace. After all, you lived your life when you did and how you did for a reason and I am here to continue to tell your story and be a support for others, but man, it is hard.
This week is spring break for me, but not for your siblings. I have jam-packed my days with doctor's appointments and decided to make it a priority to do all those things I never take the time to do. Let's be honest, it is also a good way to add distractions to the fact you aren't here having your spring break either. I am debating going to Bear Pines myself for a night this week, it is supposed to snow, I think it might be good for me to get away. On that note, I am going to see Elle in a month! I am beyond excited! Hopefully, I can also find a way to see Jenn too! It's been a year and the last time I got to see them they were holding me up as we all said goodbye to you.
Tzvi's hockey team is seed #1 going into the states in their division. They have been having a couple of recent games that haven't been their best, so hopefully, they will pull it all together for an overall win! Tzvi FINALLY got a penalty! I was so proud! I have been bribing him all season. It isn't that I "wanted" him to have a penalty per se, it was more that I wanted him to play as hard as he could and be aggressive, and this kid has become one heck of a hockey player this year. He has been fortunate enough to be playing with kids an entire year older than him and now I catch myself during games not even realizing that it was him who has the puck or made a play. He has come such a long way, aba and I are so proud of him. Meena taught herself in 15 min how to do a one-handed cartwheel and a backbend, I keep trying to tell her gymnastics competition is not happening. She wants to do a back handspring, I am not supporting this. Laeya is 4 books into the Harry Potter series and she is reading so quickly. Noam loves his nursery school life and I am so glad we have sent him.
Anyway my love I need to run. I love and miss you!!! Have fun, and stay safe!
Until next time.
Love always,
Ema
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