Time

Time.

I find the term so difficult to grasp.  It feels like it has gotten more complex and more abstract in the last year.  I can't figure out how to make sense of it.  Time in my mind seems to be such a contradiction.  It keeps moving...it stops...it keeps moving.  I wish it would stop but I want it to keep moving.  The world essentially keeps moving but I am stuck, I can't move, scratch that, I don't want to move, but I also don't want to be stuck. I just am. 

A year ago time was moving at a day's pace.  The days felt like they had gotten faster with so much going on and so many things to balance, but it was normal.  Life with kids, working, activities, etc. was fast, but it didn't stand still, and then February 3 happened.  Time stopped.  The days have gone by, in fact, 339 of them (almost 340), but my brain hasn't left that moment.  My perception of time has stopped, but the reality of time continues to move on, speeding by in fact at what feels like a record pace.  I want it to stop, I want it to rewind, but I don't. In fact, I want it to speed up at times to maybe attempt to feel better, to get further away from the feeling of its newness.  Will it ever feel not fresh?  Will the conversations, minutes, and visions ever leave my mind?  Do I really want them to?

The clock continues to tick by.  I know exactly what is on the horizon. Time is going to catch up with me eventually. I can't ignore the amount that has passed, I can't ignore what it represents, I can't ignore what it means.  Days have passed, it is accumulating into just another year of life that has gone by for everyone...except for Sonzee physically and my mind.