This week has been a challenge to put it simply. Today marks 51 weeks since you left us, but last Thursday we lit a candle to honor a year on the Jewish calendar. I don't quite understand how there could be such a large amount of time between two of the same dates, but I didn't create the calendars so here we are. I feel like the 13-day difference is way too much, especially for year one, but maybe also for every year yet to come? Maybe the irony will be when I find myself disappointed at the dates aligning in the future, on a year I have to identify because the thought of looking at years to come of either of your anniversary dates makes me physically ill.
Last Wednesday I placed a solar light next to your monument since your candle and bench have yet to arrive at the cemetery. I also placed one next to the rock in the front yard. I decided the one in the front yard will be remaining, and from now on I will just be making gardens out of solar flowers with different insects or birds, like the one now that has a butterfly. I think these will actually have a chance at lasting considering they only require the sun (we shall see).
On Thursday we gathered at your grave to say some psalms and mourners kaddish. It doesn't get easier having to gather on your behalf with a stone as your stand-in. I visited you 3 different times, for some reason, I just needed to be with you as much as possible. After the last visit, with your siblings, we drove up to Bear Pines. I had to get away, I really tried hard to not run from reality, but in a sense I am still honoring my pledge to not run from my grief, because my grief said, you need to change your scenery. And scenery change it certainly was.
On Friday your siblings played in the small amount of snow that was around the house, by Saturday morning we were in a winter wonderland, complete with the ability to make a mini hill for sledding, multiple snowball fights, and for building snowmen, we made 4 little ones. Snowmen building is definitely not my strong suit. The ice rink has turned out to be quite the fail, so now it holds about 15 billion tons of snow and in April when the snow melts, aba and I are going to level the land and figure things out for next winter. On Sunday we woke up to more snow than I can recall seeing happen within 24 hours. We had to dig both aba and my car out of the driveway and your siblings spent the morning sliding down Ms. Bonnie's driveway into the unplowed street. Overall it was quite a successful weekend, except, the entire time my mind would remind me why we have the ability to disappear into a snowy Winterland whenever we want, and so as always, it was a double-edged sword.
You would have loved to sled in the backyard, you honestly would have loved the entire experience, unlike your baby brother who has an unspoken but well-known rule that if he gets snow on his face or his glove falls off it's time to go inside and get warm. As long as he was distracted with sliding down a hill or attempting to walk through snow half his height, he was in heaven. G-d forbid someone throws a snowball at him and aba or I had to retreat inside. 2/4 of your siblings brought their Sonzee bears, and all of us I am sure had you on our minds.
I came home to a box filled with beautiful amethysts, I will be bringing one for you to have, they are from Mimi's family. I also received a beautiful bracelet from Mrs. Penny, it has a momma bear and a baby bear, and it is now part of my Sonzee jewelry ensemble, which seems to keep on growing. I added 2 new items to that beautiful necklace that Kole's mommy gave me last year that has your picture etched into the silver circle. I now have your little fingerprint that Hospice of the Valley did for us (ironically a year ago today), and a beautiful quote on a circle charm with 2 hummingbirds. The jewelry is another one of those second rate ways to make me feel like you are constantly with me.
Anyway, baby girl, I miss you beyond words. I love you even more.
Until next time.